i wrote to them all along telling them about my job, how much i am making with each raise. i have never lied to them or kept them in the dark.
i got my response from them tonight in my mail.
dated Nov. 28, 2012, they have written that they have been overpaying me since..............
April of 2011.
19 months ago.
they have just now figured out, or are ready to implement their new edict. no more death pension for Bunny.
oh, but wait. they have been overpaying me as far as they are concerned. their words:
"We have created an overpayment in your account."
and now they want me to pay it back. they will let me know in a separate letter how much they have overpaid me, and how i can "repay this debt."
i am terrified, devastated, in shock, worried, so many emotions and feelings. i am crying and laughing at the same time. crying in terror at paying back 19 months of pension. laughing at the fact that it has taken them 19 effing months to put this together, get the letter written, and set this in motion.
how am i going to live? this was my rent money? who can i make it? eat? diabetes medicine? gas for work? high blood pressure meds? food? car payment? car insurance?
i am falling into an abyss. what do i do?
~~~
oh, my God, my love! my sweet wife! please hold on. please don't let go. keep yourself safe. take care of yourself. somehow you will survive this. somehow it will be okay. {my son and daughter} said they will help you work it out. lean on them if you feel yourself wanting to give up. please, Baby, please don't give up. please, don't let this scare you. you and the kids will get this worked out.
oh, Christ, why did i have to die and leave her? she needs me! she NEEDS ME!!
Honey, hang on. just close your eyes and feel me. i'm here. i really am still here. oh, Baby. don't let this ruin your Christmas with the kids. breathe, Bunny Love. breathe. oh, please, just keep breathing. you deserve to breathe free. God, i wish i could take this all away from you. you deserve an easier time. you work so hard and now, to have them do this. Shit. oh, honey. please just hang on. i'm here. talk to me.
~~~
i don't know what i'll do, but i'll have to do something. they want their money back even though it is their mistake. i wish he were here to talk to . i need him to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. i really don't know if i can do it anymore. i feel myself breaking apart inside; like i've burned up inside with this hot fear that has scorched my insides. i feel myself flaking off piece by piece and blowing away in the breeze. i am losing my humor, my spirit, my energy, my desire to anything other than to just survive.
find a friend? i'm too wiped out with work and worry.
take a class maybe? i'm too wiped out with work and worry.
breathe free and embrace what i have accomplished? i'm too wiped out with work and worry.
and Christmas with my children? i am going to embrace it and them and take as much peace and love and absorb the memories from it as i can. it might be my last one.
i am shattered into a billion pieces. i feel gone inside; like a flame has gone out and the wick has been cut off to that it will never be able to catch again.
how do i eat? how do i live? how do i pay this back? their mistake. my debt. i think i need to go throw up.
i think i will go to bed and have a stroke.
~~~
oh, Babe. suffering. why do this to her now? why do this to her? stop the pension, okay, but tell her to pay them back? that is wrong! i need to go back. i need to just go back for a little while and help her with this. please, God. let me just help her..................
~~~
my new mantra. "don't lose hope. try not to lose hope. you used to be loved. the kids love you. somehow you will find a way. don't lose hope."
i wish you were here.
~~~
i am here.
