the end of the world / the Dragon returns

it's happened.  the Veteran's Administration has risen up to keep me in the teeth, the stomach, and when i am doubled over, they are crushing my back.

i wrote to them all along telling them about my job, how much i am making with each raise.  i have never lied to them or kept them in the dark.

i got my response from them tonight in my mail.

dated Nov. 28, 2012, they have written that they have been overpaying me since..............

April of 2011.

19 months ago.

they have just now figured out, or are ready to implement their new edict.  no more death pension for Bunny.

oh, but wait.  they have been overpaying me as far as they are concerned.  their words:

"We have created an overpayment in your account."

and now they want me to pay it back.  they will let me know in a separate letter how much they have overpaid me, and how i can "repay this debt."

i am terrified, devastated, in shock, worried, so many emotions and feelings.  i am crying and laughing at the same time.  crying in terror at paying back 19 months of pension.  laughing at the fact that it has taken them 19 effing months to put this together, get the letter written, and set this in motion.

how am i going to live?  this was my rent money?  who can i make it? eat?  diabetes medicine?  gas for work? high blood pressure meds? food?  car payment?  car insurance? 

i am falling into an abyss.  what do i do?

~~~

oh, my God, my love!  my sweet wife!  please hold on.  please don't let go.  keep yourself safe.  take care of yourself.  somehow you will survive this.  somehow it will be okay.  {my son and daughter} said they will help you work it out.  lean on them if you feel yourself wanting to give up.  please, Baby, please don't give up.  please, don't let this scare you.  you and the kids will get this worked out.

oh, Christ, why did i have to die and leave her?  she needs me!  she NEEDS ME!!

Honey, hang on.  just close your eyes and feel me.  i'm here.  i really am still here.  oh, Baby.  don't let this ruin your Christmas with the kids.  breathe, Bunny Love.  breathe.  oh, please, just keep breathing.  you deserve to breathe free.  God, i wish i could take this all away from you.  you deserve an easier time.  you work so hard and now, to have them do this.  Shit.  oh, honey.  please just hang on.  i'm here.  talk to me.  

~~~

i don't know what i'll do, but i'll have to do something.  they want their money back even though it is their mistake.  i wish he were here to talk to .  i need him to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay.  i really don't know if i can do it anymore.  i feel myself breaking apart inside; like i've burned up inside with this hot fear that has scorched my insides.  i feel myself flaking off piece by piece and blowing away in the breeze.  i am losing my humor, my spirit, my energy, my desire to anything other than to just survive.  

find a friend?  i'm too wiped out with work and worry.

take a class maybe?  i'm too wiped out with work and worry.

breathe free and embrace what i have accomplished?  i'm too wiped out with work and worry.

and Christmas with my children?  i am going to embrace it and them and take as much peace and love and absorb the memories from it as i can.  it might be my last one.

i am shattered into a billion pieces.  i feel gone inside; like a flame has gone out and the wick has been cut off to that it will never be able to catch again.

how do i eat?  how do i live?  how do i pay this back?  their mistake.  my debt.  i think i need to go throw up.

i think i will go to bed and have a stroke.  

~~~

oh, Babe.  suffering.  why do this to her now?  why do this to her?  stop the pension, okay, but tell her to pay them back?  that is wrong!  i need to go back.  i need to just go back for a little while and help her with this.  please, God.  let me just help her..................

~~~

my new mantra.  "don't lose hope.  try not to lose hope. you used to be loved.  the kids love you.  somehow you will find a way.  don't lose hope." 

i wish you were here.

~~~

i am here.

finding a way home...

i don't know how to sleep anymore. i used to know. we'd say, "you ready?" and we'd get up and do things. i would set aside sewing or my book. we would walk the dogs one last time together, either silently enjoying the night air or speaking quietly to each other. but we held hands.

we would return and i would free the dogs from their leashes while he locked up and turned off lights. we would brush teeth, etc. and then get into bed. naked. we slept naked together. well, in the winter i wore socks but otherwise..... because he was warm-blooded. he was like a furnace. so hot. i love sleeping with him. his arm around me. my head on his shoulder, my hand on his chest. his heart beating so strong under my palm. thump thump thump. bliss. safe. loved.

and it has been ripped away. he was ripped from me. as if an ax has cut my body in two.

i have suffered the loss of my mother, father, grandparents, and a child. my baby son. 19 weeks old. such pain, different grief for each relationship. after the loss of my son, i changed. i was not the same woman. and i have changed again.

for each one of those deaths, i have to tell you, my experience only, i never felt the terror that i do with the death of my husband, my beloved Dragon.

the loneliness is terrible. the isolation is terrible. people can be so terrible to you. the lack of understanding what you feel. the lack of patience as you try to explain, is so terrible.
Elizabeth Taylor was visited by Debbie Reynolds shortly before she died. Reynolds said, "She expressed how scary it was when you see that it's perhaps the end, to find a way to leave this world and go onto the next."

i have been having terrible thoughts that i fight to smother. i get angry with myself and tell myself to stop it, don't do that to yourself, but it is the white elephant in the room.

while he was gasping, choking, while he was dying, did he know? what did he know? was he scared? could he hear me? was my talking to him, did that make it worse? hearing my voice fade from his consciousness as he passed into the next life, did that hurt his soul watching himself leave me behind?

there. i wrote it. and there is more but not now. not tonight.

life is hard without him, so very hard. more than financially hard, it is emotionally hard, spiritually hard. my soul sighs for him. my hands reach up to the dark ceiling above my bed and i cry out for him. i know he would not want me sad. he never wanted me to ever be sad, but i know him, i know his mind. i know his soul. he understands my grief. he understands the anguish i feel being here without him. he would feel the same if he were here without me. he told me once, "i would go into myself and wither without you. i would howl at the moon without you. i cannot be without you."

i am not home if i am not in his arms. what is it like for him being without me on the other side?
blinding, naked, raw grief. that's where i am. two years, one month. i struggle to smile anymore. the "work smile" is easy because it is my job and above all else, i will do my job. but i walk out of the store and my smile disappears as if it had never been there. i see myself in the mirror and i look 1000 years old. my eyes look haunted by the longing i have for my husband. my beautiful, warm Dragon.

we all have to find our way through grief. i am finding my way by not finding my way. i cleave to his memory like a diver grips the anchor line when he finds it. each day right now brings with it the desolation of a life without him.

my fear is that when i die, when it is my turn to find a way to leave this world and go into the next, he will not be there waiting. somehow i will get lost again, like i am lost now. i want to be able to find my way home, into his waiting arms.
i just don't know if i know the way.

down Bunny down ~ the therapist

Bunny is very down. this past weekend

and ALL this week she has suffered so. oh, God, is it really only Monday?

i had a wonderful telephone call from S. thank you. you read between the lines. i needed to talk. the Bun needed a voice from outside her head to say, "i see you out there. you're gonna be fine." thank you, sister.

i connected with a free grief therapist. yep, the Bun found someone who would talk to her for free through a hospice connection. Bunny sat there and unloaded all her hurts and fears, her doubts and her worries. she talked about missing the ocean and about Dragons and Bunnies and feeling lost. the therapist had Bunny get online and show her Bunny's FB page and this blog. Bunny told some dark, dark, hideously dark secrets and she tattled on other widows who have made her feel like....

CRAP

and it felt so good to let someone with a face know how she felt. the woman listened and jotted things down. {love the word "jotted"} but then she quit jotting and just listened. she told Bunny/me in the end that i was fine. she said i was healthy and doing very well for being so alone. then she emailed me this. elaborated her jotted notes i guess.

"I've been thinking some more. You're actually doing incredibly well. You can keep coming if you want, but you're healthy. You are handling your grief and your isolation in such a way that it is amazingly healthy. I don't recommend being alone the rest of your life and I hope someday you can get a car and go out some, but you are handling this really bad situation very well. You're doing great, in fact, for all the stuff you've been through. You were beaten down for years and years, abused, but then you found this very great love and was forced to suffer the loss of him. And for you, this was a deep, deep loss. Your story is really, well, it's a love story. I've read your blog and looked over your Facebook pages. I can feel the magic you and your husband shared. And your creativity is an enormous outlet for you. It also makes you suffer more than some because you are so very sensitive. You think very deeply, philosophically. I want you to allow yourself to continue to create. Use Bunny like you are. I see that it is a good thing for you. I see the person, the whimsy and sense of humor that you really have tucked deep down, being able to come out through Bunny. People are responding so positively to Bunny which should make you feel good because it really is you they are responding to. You have such a kind and empathetic soul. You have such creativity in you. You really are an artist. And, {insert Bunny's name here}, your husband was right. You really are an incredible person deep inside. You need to allow her to come out."

as if i could stop creating. i will stop creating when my poly-stuffed, bunny mind shuts down and that will happen when my heart up in Heaven in my Dragon's keeping stops beating, letting him know it is time for him to come get me. can you just grab that image? my beating heart sitting in a bowl or on a paper towel on the table beside where my Dragon sits in the evening in Heaven. or he has it stuffed in the pocket of his jeans like his car keys.

thud. thud. thud. "Dragon, what's that sound?"

"my wife's heart."

"why in Heaven's name do you have it?"

"she gave it to me. it's like an alarm clock in reverse. when it stops, i can go met up with her."

"how ingenious. love it. good work, you two. well, have a peaceful wait for her."

"thank you. i'm just going to sit here by the ocean. she'll be ready at some point and if i wait here, i'll be close by."

so Bunny is fine. i know. SHOCKER. or plot twist. even though she's got this black tread mark on her bunny body where life has run over her, she is fine. she feels down, but down is normal. down is fine. she feels sad, but she suffered a great loss. the Bun is being creative and that is a big check mark on the good side of grief.

at least she has her new camera and it feels so at home in her fuzzy little paw; her limp, tired, wet-from-wiping-her-teary-little-button-eyes paw.

A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba

Can you hear my heart beat in this bond
Do you know that behind of this bond
Lies the deep desire I'm in love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may
All my dreams to be all I can do
Only I love, only love
And you say I knew we should find a new way
Make a wonderful love if I may

Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Do you know that behind of this hurt
Lies the deep desire I'm in love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may
All my dreams to be all I can do
Only I love, only love
And you say I knew we should find a new way
Make a wonderful love if I may

Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Do you know that behind of this hurt
Lies the deep desire can you love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may

Make a wonderful love if I may
Make a wonderful love if I may
Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt

epiphany

last night was a bad night for sleeping for some reason. maybe because rent is due tomorrow and i am waiting on the transfer. maybe because it feels like Fall outside right now. it rained yesterday and all last night. there is a cool wind. leaves doing their fluttering leaf thing ~ dancing and playing with the breeze while hanging onto their tree, in total control, until fate decides for them to let go.

then they seem like a kite with a broken string, going where the wind takes them, however far. but then i thought, maybe they were not in control while tethered to the tree, but only after they were free. maybe life really starts for them after they let go. maybe they aerodynamically control where they want to land. it is not for us to really know. a mystery of life. but it gave me an idea that my Dragon was let go so he could be free to fly in a different albeit more beautiful place.

i had an epiphany late last night, or early this morning, whatever your frame of reference.
it was like Dandy up there. the light shone in my brain and it felt like all the clutter of my sorrow and grief were stripped away. like Dandy, i saw the sky clearly. i think i know why my Dragon died first.

i have lived a loner life. i stayed out of range of my parents. i skipped ahead in school and therefore was not a peer of the people in class. i kept my back to the wall and strategically planned each day during my first marriage. when i met my Dragon, it took a moment, but i ultimately gave in body and soul. he is so strong. he is so resilient. he had survived so many things. he was a loner like me. and we had found each other. we did not have to be alone anymore.

we took so many walks. everyday we ventured to a new area to see what beauty was hidden up in somewhere. and we talked.
he told me his stories. he told me of his life. he told me his dreams, his hopes, and his wishes. he told me he loved me and that he knew he could not face a life without me. i thought he was being cute and romantic. never dreamed he was speaking seriously because, well, look at him. he is a Marine. he has been everywhere and done so many things in life and death situations. he is invincible.
he was my scavenger. he found shells and stones for my sculptures. he kept me safe while i looked through the camera lens. he kept me warm when it was cold. he swam with me in the ocean and taught me how to be free no matter where i am or how locked down i was. he taught me how to be wild and free in my mind.
he died so suddenly. one minute he was with me, beside me. his arm was behind me and his fingers were stroking my arm. then his fingers were digging into my arm and he was gasping for a breath.

i do not know this for fact because no one with medical training was there, but i believe he was gone before the EMT's got there. there was no light in his eyes. there was nothing in his eyes. he left me to be alone in this world that is, quite often, cold and cruel.

i have been cleaning out things. i have been tossing things i do not need to keep just because he touched it once. i found a letter written on the back of a hand-drawn map. i had never seen this before but it was in his "go bag" so i never had reason to go through it. but he has died and i have finally had the courage to go through it. these are the things he used when he would go "out of town." on the back of the map he wrote, "I need to go first. I can't live without you. You think I'm strong but I'm not. It's bull-headedness. I'm only strong enough so I can get back to you. But if something happened to you, I wouldn't be able to take it. All the light would be gone and I can't live in the dark after I've been given the light of your love. You're aren't living in the shadows. You're only the silhouette that stands behind the light you shine on me. Don't ever leave me. Don't die before me. I'm not strong enough. Only God knows how much I love you."

so you see. it had to be me here alone. he thought i was strong enough to be alone in this life without him. he is wrong but i am going to let it slide. it is the first time he has been wrong.

i always did what he asked of me because he asked so little and he always asked with a kiss. well, i will try to do this. he said he had to go first. he knew the ending of "Bicentennial Man" would not happen for us. so did i really, but i am an artist so i am always dreaming, conjuring up something magical and beautiful in my mind so i do not have to face reality.

i will do this for him. i will live as best as i can. he thinks i am strong enough so i will not give up. i will hold my head up to keep an eye out for danger, and to take my pictures of the full moon. but i will mostly keep my head down and sew and sketch and write. i will continue on in the shadows because the light he believed i possessed is shining forward, looking for him.

the woman downstairs died today

the woman who lived downstairs from me died today. she was 63.

she was the first person to speak to me after i moved here, and the only one who ever has. she liked my dogs. Ms. Carmen Sophia of the Joyful Yelp and Mr. Scootie Wootums, Lord of the Dance were her special friends and she loved talking to them and petting them. it's funny. they are crazy babies for everyone, but for her, they were gentle and demure.

Memorial Day she threw pebbles at my sliders to get my attention. she could not climb stairs so she threw little stones. i went downstairs and she gave me a poppy she had gotten at the store while she had been out. she knows my Dragon is a Marine and she wanted me to know she was remembering his service. i got teary and she hugged me.

she lived alone and she died alone. she was a widow whose only child had died two years after her husband. she has a niece who lives in California. because of her infirmities she had in-home help that came twice a week to clean her apartment and get her groceries. one of them found her at noon today. i became aware of the tragedy when police cars and the fire truck and the ambulance came rushing up. the apartment manager let everyone in and then there was no more rushing about.

you can tell when the emergency is no longer an emergency by the way people act. 3 hours later i watched them take her out of her apartment for the last time. no one who loved her was standing there to keep vigil like i had done with my Dragon. i did watch from my glass sliders and whispered goodbye to her. i cried for her, but i do not know if that counts at all. she is gone and free of the limitations and pains of this life here.

i fed my dogs and walked them. her wreath for the summer season is still on her door. her welcome mat is still on the concrete outside. all is quiet. i can almost imagine she is sitting inside watching television wondering what to get herself for supper.

almost.

there are things i could say, things that are floating through my mind right now, but i am too upset about so many things to express them. i do not know what to say except this:

the woman downstairs died today, and she was a lovely soul. private and independent, still she had noticed me living upstairs alone and we kind of kept up with each other. i went and got her mail for her. if she was going to her car for a doctor's appointment and i was out with the dogs she always stopped to speak to me. this is probably not true and only my perception but it seemed she died alone and will be unremarked upon, so i wanted to let someone know that she lived near me and had been kind to me.

she died and i am sad.

her name was Carolyn.

Waffle House ~ the lecture ~ i am back

i am back. he is finished with me for this go round. this, in list form for brevity, is what i got out of it.

1. my stipend check for rent.

2. he drove me to the bank to deposit it so i can pay rent on time.

3. breakfast at Waffle House.

4. i am a loser for leaving him when he kept all the money.

5. his wife is spending his money like i never did. he doesn't like it but she intimidates him. she reminds him of his mother. (i know only i understand this one so only get to laugh at the karma of it. just know that i got to laugh after he left.)

6. why don't the kids love him when he has all the money. i have nothing. he has it all. why do they call me all the time? why are they defensive, or in his case, offensive, of me all the time?

and lastly,

7. i got my exercise because he refused to drive me back from the Waffle House, but in spite of my foot, (i wore my Dr. Scholl's sneakers), it was a hot walk in the fresh air. the sun beat down on my skin and i was warm all the way down into my joints. i took long deep breaths and repeated my mantras. "he's gone for now." "i can pay my rent." "Dragon loved me." "i once had a great love for a little while." "i'm gonna be okay."

there are days when i miss my Dragon so much that the pain screws up my breathing rhythm. i huff for air. then there are days when i can go outside and the clouds and the breeze are perfect. i see bunnies and deer; all very Snow White-ish out there, and i think, maybe i can make it. today was a heterogeneous mixture of those two kinds of days. truth through chemistry. while i waited for Voldemort to pick me up and while i had to sit and be spoken to like that, i controlled my panic. i won. he lost. he never knows how scared i get to face him. when i saw that it was a "run wNs down" session with no real threat to my children or me, all i had to do was shut down and take it. it is hard to keep my mouth shut when i want to tell anyone who will listen all his dirty secrets but that will bite me in the back end so i bite my tongue. maybe if i ever get free i'll write about it, but i think there is already a book called, "The Banality of Evil."

at first, when he drove away and refused to drive me back to the apartment, i felt overwhelmed with the walk. but i drew on what my Dragon had lived through. he had been all over the world, in places only a handful of people knew where he was. in the dark. in the jungle. in the desert. alone. with a spotter. with a team. falling out of the sky. being dropped off by a sub and swimming in. he had done so much scary stuff. all i was doing was walking back. one foot in front of the other all in an area i know well. so first i went back inside Waffle House for a free refill on my sweet tea. the waitress was nice and gave me extra ice for my walk and called my ex a dick. i said, "he'll be one when he grows up." we laughed. dark humor from people who know what goes on behind closed doors. people look at people like me, and the waitress, and think, there but for the grace of God. but, fact. no matter how much money someone has, how successful they seem, it won't prevent bad things from happening behind closed doors.

when i started walking, i paid attention to the sky. i pretended my Dragon was walking behind me. i told myself i will have a story to tell him when i get back. i planned how i was going to spend my time for the rest of the day. i was limping pretty badly by the time i walked down the driveway into the complex. one of the maintenance guys saw me and gave me a lift to my apartment in the golf carts they drive around the place. the respite was nice. those things can really fly and the speed bumps are a vertical trip all by themselves. he talked about my dogs and how much he likes them. he is a nice man who came and took apart my bathroom sink drain when i dropped my little silver elephant charm from my earring down the sink. i got it when my daughter was in 8th grade; to show her and the world that i never forget. momma elephants are pretty tough. it was a rough time for her. she still likes it that i wear it.

i am home. i got all the venom out, i think. i've expended the adrenalin that builds up when i have to deal with him. i certainly walked it off. and now, by writing, i have gotten it out of my mind. sort of. almost. not really, but i have tattled on him a little bit.

now i am going to get my Cube of Love and my Tribute Tile set up beside where i am going to get back to work. i wish you all peace.