the inconstant moon of my life

O swear not by the moon, th'inconstant moon
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.  

i will swear by the moon though it is inconstant.

it is my lifelong companion now and means so much to me.

i watch it as it seems to watch me.

as God does not answer me, neither does my moon.

my "inconstant moon" is one that is forever a fixture in my heart and mind.

waiting for it to be full, i worry about cloud cover and yet,

and yet, the clouds provide such a sight if they move with the wild abandon of a fearless night.

but my nights are both welcomed and feared for dreams or lack of rest.

the double-edged sword of getting the sleep i need against the dreams that might come

versus the lack of rest i need to hold the demons of insomnia at bay.

i love the moon.  i hate what it reminds me of.

but it is the only thing in my life that allows me to speak about him.

it is the only thing in my life that offers no advice, only keeps vigil with me for the countdown of my life.

i need him, still.

i wish he were here, still.

i miss him, still.

i always will, i think.

i was asked when would i take off my rings, allow the world to see me as a single woman.

i said, "but i am not single in my heart.  rings off, rings on, my heart is taken,

so i might as well keep the wall up that the rings represent until such time as he leaves me from there, too."

the way i feel at this time, it would hurt me more to force myself to live and think of myself

as a single woman, than to let my memories of him haunt me as they do.

so the moon and i continue our vigil over each other.

and when i am very old and frail,

i will carefully, slowly, ease my weariness and aches outside each night of the full moon

so i can gaze upwards and pine for,

speak to,

weep for what i cannot ever have again in this life.

and in my elderly befuddled mind,

i will call out to him and hope my beautiful, fierce Dragon,

who is curled up on the dark side of the moon,

will peer around its cold, silver-whiteness to gaze back down at me.

you know what night this is....

my camera ~ the one my Dragon got me, it's still hanging on. i'm saving it. no more photos of anything else but the moon until i can get another. tonight i kept going outside looking, watching, waiting for him. and there he was, in all his battered glory, just like my Dragon, all scarred and beautiful, and eternal. a Blue Moon. the second full moon this month ~ March 2010.

i watched the skies. i went back in and punched up the radar. clouds. i knew it was going to be close. and though they would pass, i'm tired tonight. i can't stay out here all night. i stayed out and took as many photos as i felt my camera could do and not expire. i don't want it to leave me. i'll get another camera and put this one on the mantle, amongst the things that are my Dragon's; add it to the shrine.
i captured, for another month, my moon, my lonely orb that floats across a silent night and taunts me, or haunts me with dreams of my Dragon in flight. his one way trip to a place i cannot go yet. Heaven. beautiful places. places so wonderful that i cannot even imagine. everywhere but here with me.
and the clouds came right on time. i watched them glide across the sky and slowly shroud my moon. they were taking it away....
slowly taking away my dreamy view of Heaven. such beauty. it could only be more beautiful if it were reflected on the ocean's undulating surface. shimmering. pieces of silver light moving on the surface of the water like sparkling scales. looking for all the world as if a Dragon had come out of Heaven for a late night swim.

so many months. gazing from top left and down, then right to the next frame, over and over that way for five frames. the first is 8 February 2009, barely 3 hours before my life ended, the night he started dying. then March 2009 and so on until the fourth frame. November and two full moons in December 2009 ~ a Blue Moon on the 31st. then the last frame. January 2010, a new year ~ the start of a whole year where the moon and i face 12 months without my Dragon. the middle moon is the One Year Moon, and then March.
tonight's moon starts another frame of moons. i wonder how many moons i'll have before the last moon of my life?

my daughter said today, "I'll always keep your moons, and I'll take over, taking photos of the full moon. It won't end with you. It will be something the Dragon's girls will be known for."