how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, March 29, 2010

you know what night this is....

my camera ~ the one my Dragon got me, it's still hanging on. i'm saving it. no more photos of anything else but the moon until i can get another. tonight i kept going outside looking, watching, waiting for him. and there he was, in all his battered glory, just like my Dragon, all scarred and beautiful, and eternal. a Blue Moon. the second full moon this month ~ March 2010.
i watched the skies. i went back in and punched up the radar. clouds. i knew it was going to be close. and though they would pass, i'm tired tonight. i can't stay out here all night. i stayed out and took as many photos as i felt my camera could do and not expire. i don't want it to leave me. i'll get another camera and put this one on the mantle, amongst the things that are my Dragon's; add it to the shrine.
i captured, for another month, my moon, my lonely orb that floats across a silent night and taunts me, or haunts me with dreams of my Dragon in flight. his one way trip to a place i cannot go yet. Heaven. beautiful places. places so wonderful that i cannot even imagine. everywhere but here with me.
and the clouds came right on time. i watched them glide across the sky and slowly shroud my moon. they were taking it away....
slowly taking away my dreamy view of Heaven. such beauty. it could only be more beautiful if it were reflected on the ocean's undulating surface. shimmering. pieces of silver light moving on the surface of the water like sparkling scales. looking for all the world as if a Dragon had come out of Heaven for a late night swim.

so many months. gazing from top left and down, then right to the next frame, over and over that way for five frames. the first is 8 February 2009, barely 3 hours before my life ended, the night he started dying. then March 2009 and so on until the fourth frame. November and two full moons in December 2009 ~ a Blue Moon on the 31st. then the last frame. January 2010, a new year ~ the start of a whole year where the moon and i face 12 months without my Dragon. the middle moon is the One Year Moon, and then March.
tonight's moon starts another frame of moons. i wonder how many moons i'll have before the last moon of my life?

my daughter said today, "I'll always keep your moons, and I'll take over, taking photos of the full moon. It won't end with you. It will be something the Dragon's girls will be known for."

6 comments:

Split-Second Single Father said...

Beautiful pictures. I love that your daughter plans to carry on the legacy of the full moon. A tradition bourne out of pain will serve to bring comfort and healing. You have raised two children with beautiful spirits and I think that is something of which to be proud. I can only hope to say the same thing someday.

And hang on to that dream of seeing the moon reflected on the ocean. I feel certain that is going to happen for you again someday.

Anonymous said...

so beautiful. Thank you.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Dear Lady,

Since reading about my friend here, I'll never look at the moon the same way. I will see it and always remember you are out there somewhere loving him, constant and true. I have lost many friends through the years but never a love. Never got married. I don't know what to do in the face of such pain as yours. I just read and absorb it. I'm glad to know that my friend had found true love.

Semper Fi

Suddenwidow said...

I love your pictures. I was hoping that there would be a full moon while we're in San Diego, but we'll just have to make due with a sliver of the moon reflecting in the Pacific Ocean.

judemiller1 said...

Your daughter is awesome!

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