Bunny's Mansion ~ part two

and we're back. Lifestyles of the Small and Insignificant is bringing you the second part of a three part special on the reclusive artist, Beach Bunny.

yesterday we left Bunny sitting in her Dragon's chair, getting pensive, as a photo of her beloved Dragon appeared on her computer screen. today we're back and Bunny looks tired. bless her little heart. she spent a relatively sleepless night in misery. she misses her husband and today, tonight at midnight, it will be exactly 14 months since he died. Bunny drew through the night and looks hollowed out this morning, but she is up and ready to graciously show us three more areas in her boho-chic pad.

the photo below is Bunny's studio. Bunny is sitting on her work table with clothes spread out that she is presently measuring and sketching as she plans another quilt for someone. we can see that this is supposed to be her dining room but since Bunny doesn't dine per se, she opts to use it as her work space.

and what a work space it is. there's a quilt on the wall that Bunny will be taking down to work on the one from the table. someday it will be Bunny's own memory quilt but she has been working on it for a long time and sets aside quite a bit. there are two of Bunny's own personal pieces of stained glass she has made that she doesn't have the windows to put them in. and there's another driftwood sculpture in repose on the top of Bunny's bookshelf that is simply chock full of books, shells, little stones, and photographs.

Bunny's quilt frame is broken apart and sitting on the floor behind another set of bookshelves and on the right we can see Bunny's little globe that lights up. what a girl. twirling, twirling that little lighted globe remembering all the countries her Dragon pointed out to her that he had been in, all his stories.

and now for the living room. ah, what a spectrum of color and clutter. Bunny makes such great use of a small space. her plants are now all outside clearing the top for her one tender amaryllis. below it are the notions of her trade. threads, needles, trims, beads, and ah, yes, there are the shells and rocks and more photos of her beloved Dragon.

Bunny is reclining on her borrowed sofa - her daughter isn't using it right now. behind her is an ugly orange shag cushion for her back and draped over the top of the sofa is an afghan her mother had knitted so many years ago. on the wall to the left of the blinds are a collection of photos of her children at various ages. such a sentimental soul, she is. on the arm of the sofa is Bunny's latest dragon handkerchief that is in progress while on the ottoman are a pair of jeans she is patching and embroidering.

last but not least we know that on the wall above the sofa is Bunny's first husband quilt. we quietly ask her why it isn't finished and in a low, halting voice, Bunny explains.

"i moved here 7 days after my Dragon died. i was lost and, i was lost. i didn't know what to do, or really how to live without him. i sew and i had all his clothes everywhere. my daughter suggested i make a quilt. so i just started cutting." gazing up at the quilt Bunny's eyes fill with tears. "i can honestly say i had no plan. i do not remember doing it at all. not one stitch. not one section of embroidery. i have no memory of working on it at all. it seems it got bigger and bigger as i went. i can see that. but there was no plan. no talent went into it. it's not finished because i simply do not know what to do with it. it's off. as in not square. i mean i could fix it, not a problem, but if i did, then it wouldn't be the thing, and that's what it is - it's a thing - it wouldn't be the thing that got me through all the days and nights of those first weeks here. it's not representative of a Memory Quilt. it's my grief. that's all it is. it's my grief. i cried over it. all over it. as i was making it. i must have cut myself and stabbed myself a hundred times because i couldn't see due to the tears. i guess, someday...."

Bunny's voice trails off as this "thing," as she calls it, holds her gaze far longer than is comfortable for us.

but finally our sweetly generous little Beach Bunny comes back to us and moves to sit in her chair. The Chair. this is the one she sits in every night for the handwork she does. it's the one she uses to pose her stuffed bunny for the photos. she is posing with her latest dragon handkerchief. such a funny Bunny. we can see the ever present pillow for her aching back, and 2 crocheted afghans and one old chenille bedspread. and there is the stuffed bunny her son sent her that she can put in the microwave lying across the top of her chair. she heats it and then wraps it around her neck and shoulders. Bunny with a bunny. such a cute image comes to mind.

on the side table is an assortment of embroidery floss for her various projects. the lamp has quite a few old rosary beads draped over the shade. and there it is. we can see better. on the ottoman are the jeans Bunny is also working on. such a busy Bunny. such a quiet Bunny today.

she is gazing back off towards her husband quilt and looking a little bit drowsy. i think we'll quietly slip out and let Bunny take a nap if she can. she looks so forlorn and exhausted.

grieving seems to be a very hard thing to do. tomorrow Bunny has said we can see her kitchen and her ladies room. she calls it the ladies room since Bunny lives very much alone and she is a lady. we understand and we think she is very clever to state the obvious like that.

bye, Bunny. here's a cup of hot tea before we go. no, no. don't get up. we'll lock the door behind us. see you tomorrow.

human nature

i had a good day with my daughter yesterday. we only had a couple of errands to run and then we came back to my apartment. i showed her all that i am working on. i showed her sketches of plans for future projects. she gave me jeans to repair. she gets embroidery and patches done for free because she's my BabyLove.

and we talked.

my background on my computer is ever-changing photos of my Dragon. our Dragon. she was watching them change and she'd ask where we were when i took this one, and that one. she knows the stories but she knows i need to talk about him. i love to talk about him. and that's human nature.

it is human nature to miss someone so deeply that your life is forever changed if they go.

i ventured to tell her some truths about me. she told me she could handle it. she's an adult now, 26. God, i remember 26. i gave birth to her on my 26th birthday. but growing up as she did watching me divert, dissuade, and deflect her father's --- attitude --- gave her a maturity some more sheltered and nurtured children do not have. so she wanted to hear.
i told her his dying was terrible. terrible to see and terrible as i face living without him as i grieve the loss of the one person who loved me unconditionally. i told her i will always be this way though i will improve as time passes. i will smile more and laugh more. she knows i am better than i was at this time even 6 months ago, but she also is aware i am different. and i won't be able to go back to the person i was when i was safe in his loving arms.

i told her dreams die hard and that we had found a house we loved. the backyard, of which is in the photo above, backed onto the harbor and we could see the island from almost every window of the house that faced south and east. i told her that i will always love that old stone fort and wish we could have lived there. i told her i would not have moved here if he and i had lived there. i told her i would have stayed and lived alone always surrounded by him, my memories, the ocean, and the storms that rolled in.

i told her there can never be another. i know that they say never say never but my Dragon was such a man that i do not believe anyone can move into my view. i won't see them. i can't. my Dragon was an adventurer at heart. he was a closet intellect and as voracious a reader as me. he loved being outside as much as i did (do) and he showed me that i could climb out to a world i would have previously been afraid to. he gave me strength and hope and loved away my scars until i did not see them anymore. now that he is gone, i see them again. and i feel the loss of his loving gaze very much.

i told her he made me laugh. and i made him laugh. he thought i was funny, and sweet. he liked that i got "drifty" - his word for my absorption at the beauty of the world around us. he said he loved being my "camera bitch" and taking care of me, making sure i drank enough water, didn't walk off the edge of a cliff, or fall into the ocean. he got use to my adoration of him. i told him every day how much i loved him, how handsome i thought he was, and he didn't mind that i told him multiple times a day. i hero worshipped him and he was humbled by it, but he needed my loving attention as much as i needed his. we truly were meant to be a couple. "if two were one then surely we." from the poem. we were one; finishing each others sentences, starting the same sentence at exactly at the same time and always laughing, marveling that our minds were so alike. it sounds stupid and untrue but i don't care. no one was there with us to hear it. but i know it's true and i feel the loss of that kind of unity very much. i will never be the same.

i told my daughter that i miss him as much today as i did the moment he died. i told her i believe i will miss him as much 10 years from now as i do today. that will not change. we married for love. i am not a young woman anymore, middle aged. he was my second husband. and i will say it again. i married him because i love him so deeply that being without him was unimaginable. and it still is. but the reality is i have to face each minute without him, each one knowing i won't see him again in this lifetime. and i can only pray and live my quiet kind of life trying to earn the privilege of being allowed to be with him again.

my daughter is fully aware of my self-esteem issues and how our Dragon was healing me. but since his death, and my having to deal with my ex without Dragon's protection, i have suffered a loss of my hold on where i was. i feel a little guilty that i have not drawn on my knowledge of my Dragon's love to fix this but i try to be kind and remind myself that i am just coming out of the first year of shock facing the fact that he is really gone. this year i am setting myself on the task of not letting him destroy what my Dragon was reviving in me. what is said will hit me. i cannot prevent that, but i will try not to let it tear me down. i know now that i can be loved. my Dragon loved (he loves) me. i just also need to work on the concept that God loves me as well.

human nature is what it is. this is my nature. it is in my nature to always love my Dragon. William Tammeus wrote: "You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at this parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back." who knows why one person will choose to live alone and grieve for someone for the rest of their life, and wait until they can be together again after this life is finished?

don't answer that. only i know the answer. and my answer will only pertain to me.

ah, Dragon, my love. i miss you.