beauty among the ruins

there is a wonderful book by Robert Clark titled "Love Among the Ruins" about two teenagers who fall in love during 1968.  the title has stuck with me for a long time and came around to my mind again shortly after my Dragon died.

and approaching 5 years, which, if you're read the previous couple of missives here, is hitting me pretty hard.

 i love my dogs....

... and my children.....

...and my grandson.

i like sewing.  i would like to get back to painting and making stained glass.  this last quilt commission to finish; which is approaching over 550 hours of work, and i will be free of the pressure of another person's judgement. my time free time off from work will be my own for the first time in 5 years.  i look very much forward to that.

this commission has been huge.  hundreds of hours.  no more compensation for my work. after asking for so much, she now says she is "strapped for money."   i have ended up resenting this commission.  i am finishing this pro bono.  *sigh*  i do not understand as i see her photographs of her and her new husband, the things they get to do, their trips.  but maybe they get those things cheaper than they appear, or they were gifts.  i do not know and should not judge.  it is my duty to finish this quilt and i will do so.

i feel like i am living among the ruins of my life:  a tiny apartment {but it's mine}, a job that takes away a lot of my soul {but i renew it everyday with thoughts of him, my children, my grandson, taking photos of the sky, etc.}, loneliness for him i can do nothing about {i talk to him though, and i talk to God}.

there is beauty among the ruins of my life.  i brought the photo up there under my blog title over from a page from Facebook; a page called Earth Porn.  it reminds me of Van Gogh's painting, "Starry Night."  i made me smile and stare at it, and come back to it.  i think it is beautiful.  had i be fortunate to be present on that day, i would have stayed outside until dark, or the clouds passed.  

there is beauty in the world in the shape of clouds and those of us left behind.

i miss my Dragon so very much.  five years is a long time to be without him.  it's a long time to sit here and know it will be longer before i hope to see him again.  five years of life among the ruins, but there is so much beauty here that i can take in and keep in my memories.

there will be a lot of tell him about when we meet. 

full moon & moon bunny ~ photos ~ small steps

it is another full moon. counting the full moon photograph i took the night he died, when i had the luxury of him standing right behind me, i have 20 full moons in frames on my wall. last night/tonight makes 21. he has been gone from me for 19 months and two weeks tonight.

the moon makes me pensive. it is my time for, almost like communion. i take photos but i also just stand and stare at the moon. it is so beautiful. it is so necessary to life here, tides and weather and stuff. i fell in love with the moon when i was a teenager. i have pictures of the moon dating back that far. but the only ones that matter are these most recent 20, make taht 21.

there is a young mother with two small children who watch me take photographs of the moon. they have also seen me talking to the rabbits that live in my area and they also have seen me with Beach Bunny, taking her photo outside. their mother came outside with them tonight to see Jupiter and the full moon. the children looked through my camera lens and saw the moon closer than their little eyes can see the detail. they called me Luna Bunny. Moon Bunny. their mother said that when i am outside, even when i walk the dogs in the evenings, they can see bunnies all over the grass. they see bunnies hop out from the trees. i don't know if that is a sign of anything other than i do not scare bunnies.

i sold some of my photographs. i am happy about that for two reasons. one, i need the money. two, my Dragon always, always loved my pictures. i would take pictures and he would stand and wonder what i was looking at. when we got home he would hurry me along to upload from the camera to the computer. then we'd sit and look at what i shot. he always liked my photographs. he always watched my back to make sure i did not step in it, or on it, or in front of its path....whatever trouble i could possible get into when i would go into my spaced out world of looking through the camera lens, he was there. he was there on 8 February 2009 with his hand on my shoulder steadying me in a brisk, icy wind off the ocean at 8 PM, just 4 hours and 3 minutes before he died. not that i'm still counting or anything.

but he would be proud that i am selling some photos. if i could hear him, he would probably be saying, "i knew it all along, love."
in going through my CD's of burned photos, 1000's and 1000's of pictures, i am finding ones where i turned and took his photo. more photos of my Dragon!! this is not work people! this is a treasure hunt! "go through all these CD's to find a dragon." cemeteries {we are big taphophiles}, old houses, hiking out to remote places, gardens, in town, i took pictures of everything. and i always took pictures of him. so it has been nice finding more pictures of him.

the one above was taken in a place called Blood Cemetery ~ aka Pine Hill Cemetery. it was Halloween 2003 and he is carrying my tripod. he is my camera bitch. i miss my old life.

the small steps from the title is what i took a break from sewing to do today. i cleaned out my closet and my chest of drawers. i took out all the shirts and pants he is never going to wear again, and that i will never put on. i took out all his underwear, too. there are only two pairs of his socks left since i made sock animals from all the others. i put all his clothes in a plastic trash bag and set it aside. i have plans for another quilt. i cannot donate them, i just can't. i plan on making quilts. one, two. i don't know what i'll get from it all, but it is not in my closet anymore. that is sort of a step. i do not have a lot of clothes myself, but if i ever get my stuff out of storage in New England, i will have the room now. i still have two of his sweatshirts, one t-shirt that i sleep in, two of his Marine shirts and his PT shorts from when he taught hand-to-hand that will always stay with my clothes. they are just too cool to not keep.

now that i am looking this over, it does not look as impressive as i thought it would look. i took his clothes out of the closet and put them in a trash bag for me to make another quilt or two. whooptie do. maybe i should have typed "teeny tiny steps" in the title.

peace to all from Moon Bunny.

Bunny's pictures

Bunny takes pictures. Bunny always has. she is a photo-freak. snap. snap snap. it is a beautiful world. way down there. way out there. way up there. everywhere.

Bunny got some emails ~~ no, the good kind. some people out there like Bunny's photos and want to buy some. Bunny smiled. Bunny tried to build a website, a free one, because, well, Bunny is quite poor. Bunny started to frown. damn those free websites. text boxes galore but no way to upload photos unless you pay, and pay, and pay. damn, damn, damn. Bunny's eyes were tearing up. her little lips were trembling. Bunny is still a little fragile and it seemed like the photo gods were laughing at her, until her son said,

"flickr!"

ah, flickr. Bunny almost swooned with relief. so this posting is Bunny's big announcement.

Bunny has two new flickr accounts; two because even flickr has a ceiling.

www.flickr.com/photos/womanNshadows/

flowers and trees

or as Bunny teasingly calls it, "flora fotos."

and then there's the "life by the ocean" photos...

www.flickr.com/photos/abandonedsouls/

there are links over there on the right to help everyone get there. now, you must promise to visit every so often because Bunny keeps adding photos to both of them. she is a very hard working Bunny. and remember, Christmas is coming. someone is having a birthday. it will be Wednesday again. pictures make great gifts. {Bunny is blushing but hey, marketing is marketing.}

whew! Bunny is tired tonight. {pssst. she stayed up late last night, waiting until the clouds all left her lovely, lonely moon alone so she could take more and more full moon photos.}

so anyway, Bunny is off to bed. she has to be at the dentist early in the morning for her permanent crown. finally. oh my heavens above. finally. and if he messes this up, again, Bunny is taking his picture and posting it for all the world to see. well, the little world that pays attention to Bunny.

and one more picture for the road. Bunny's beloved Dragon. Bunny loves this picture. Dragon was leading Bunny through the deep, dark, primeval forest that surrounds Dogtown. okay, we walked the path, but it was still spooky and twisty and turny and Dragon took the lead because he is brave and strong. Marines are not afraid of anything. we'll maybe Bunny, but that's another post. Bunny took lots of photos that day. Dragon turned around to laugh at her and Bunny took his picture.

poor little Bunny has lots and lots of pictures of her Dragon. i say poor little Bunny because she is always very aware that, now that her Dragon lives beyond the moon in Heaven, there will be no more pictures of her Dragon.

on a lighter note, if you haven't, click on the music. yes, Bunny uploaded "Kodachrome." it's a catchy little tune and fitting for a post on pictures.

inside Beach Bunny's head

it’s been 18 months now, plus another week. i still cry a little bit every night during my prayers. even if i sleep i wake up and for the first few minutes, i already feel drained. another day without Dragon. my beautiful, handsome Dragon.

i responded to a comment in the last post. a person complimented my site. she thought it was pretty and “inspiring.” it gave me a little boost in confidence. artists always like it when someone likes what they do. anyway, i responded that here, on this site, i can do whatever i want because i control it all, colors, photos, content, etc. it’s all me. it’s a little glimpse of what it’s like being inside my head and i suddenly remembered an email from my Dragon during one of his little “out of town” trips to save the world; i always called them that. Dragon signal hits the clouds in the night sky and off he’d have to go. actually it was a phone call but it’s part of what goes on inside my head.

he used to be amazed at what i would do or say. do not think i am off on an ego trip. he and my children are the only ones who get amazed at what i do or say. he’d be caught off guard for a moment but then he’d smile and maybe even hug me, kiss the top of my head. “I love living inside your head.”

i got an email through my business website, the renaissanceartist.webs.com site that the link for is over there on the right. this woman loves my photography. that’s the word she used. "Loves." i like that word. my Dragon always loved everything i did. we’d be out somewhere and i’d be taking pictures and he’d say, “What do you see?” i’d laugh a little and say, “you’re looking at it, too.”

“Not the way you do. I can hardly wait to see it again on the computer when you upload your shots. It's inside your head. I love being inside your head.”

i think every devoted couple have a language all their own. they have little things they say that show their attachment, the bond they feel to their spouse. my Dragon's was, "I love living inside your head" and he always called me his "bride." "My lovely bride."

anyway, this woman wants to buy some of my photographs so i have been a little busy setting up a new website for a gallery to display a lot of my photographs. i have to put watermarks across them, which is taking time. the money isn’t huge for my photographs, but it’s something. every little bit helps. i am kinda proud. i used to have prints of my photographs along with my sculptures in a little shop on Bearskin Neck but the lady closed her shop after her husband died out on the ocean in a storm. they never found him. that kind of pain horizons anything i feel, i think, because i can go over to my urn and touch it's coolness. her husband was a lobsterman. and like me now, she went to live near her daughter far away from the ocean. i think she has a different perspective of the ocean than i do. i feel such deep empathy for her. i think that woman from time to time. i wish i knew how to get in touch with her to see how she’s doing. she had faith in my artwork and together, she and i made a little bit of money. i sent an email to one of the Library Ladies so see if she knows how i can find her.

as i leave the fog of shock and devastation of my Dragon’s death, i am remembering more and more details of my former life. bDd. before Dragon's death. memories are swirling around me like the warmth of a fire after coming in from shoveling snow. i like this feeling right now. i liked looking through my photos the last couple of days working to set up my photography website. it has brought me so many memories of being with my Dragon, of being inside his head.

when i got my Cube of Love from my daughter, even though my place is a shrine to my Dragon, i carried it everywhere. i love those photos. they comprise the few of the two of us together. when i walked to the registration desk on Friday of Camp Widow, i saw my Dragon’s Tribute Tile. i wanted it. right then. i wanted to touch it. Saturday night i couldn’t wait a moment longer. i asked Dan if he would go get it for me. he did and he really has no idea how much i thank him for that. a simple act of kindness and yet i was too nervous to do it for myself. i wanted it so badly and he went and got it for me, and i haven’t let it go.....

.....as you can see.

Dragon watches his Bunny start work on a new dragon handkerchief while her

Cube of Love and Dragon Tribute Tile sit close by.

Dragon closely watches his Beach Bunny set up a photo of "Sock" Beach Bunny.

Dragon thinks his Bunny is creative. he can't wait to see what she sees.

"Sock" Beach Bunny with her Cube of Love and Dragon Tribute Tile.

i’ll leave you with this little story of us.

i am a scavenger, or i was when i walked the beaches or climbed the rocks. i would go by myself a couple of times a day while Dragon did his international work ~ computer and phones. i would stack what i wanted to work with in a pile and when he was done, he’d come down to find me and he’d help me haul it all back. well, this one day, i called him and said, “bring the truck.” he laughed.

i had found this great lobster trap that the water hadn’t bashed too badly. it was so heavy. when he got to the beach and saw it, he checked me over. first my boots. nope, they were dry. but my jeans were wet. he huffed and hurried over. yes, i had taken off my boots and socks to wade a little ways into the water to get the trap. my jeans were very wet and i was starting to shiver. and yes, this was after the Great Hypothermia Incident. it was early Spring and the water was still very cold. he didn't get mad but i know he tsk tsk'ed in his head.

lobster traps are heavy and with all the seaweed on this one, it weighed a ton. i had a sack of shells and sand dollars and other stuff, too. he made me sit in the truck with the heater on. he was nice enough to only mutter that i should have waited on him. then he kissed me on the nose and went to throw the trap and all the driftwood and line i had collected in the back of the truck.

i sold the trap after i got it all cleaned up did things to it. i used copper wire and wrapped shells all around it. the door was bent open and my Dragon offered to bend it back for me but instead i made a stuffed blue lobster and put him just inside, claws out, as if he were escaping from the trap. i embroidered a big smile on his face and a “tattoo” that said “mother” inside a heart on the part of him just before the claw. on his tail i embroidered the name i gave him, “Houdini.”

my Dragon laughed when i told him i was surprised it had sold. he said, “Love, it’s just someone else who wants a little bit of what goes on inside your head. But that’s all they can have, because your head is mine and only I get to live there.”

i miss him so much. 18 months feels like 18 years and that's terrible to say. i feel so overwhelmed with sorrow at the thought that i will never hear him say, "This is my lovely bride." i will never hear him say, "I love living inside your head."

but like the photos of Bunny i set up to put with this posting, i believe he hangs out a bit with me. i think he may have gotten inside my head enough to know what i am doing now. i think he wouldn't think i am silly to have pictures of him all over the apartment and yet need to put my Cube of Love and my Dragon Tribute Tile near me when i sew or write, and then take them back into the bedroom every night.

i very much miss him. he is everything to me. but i do have good company in my two little Scotties. they are my constant companions. they watch me sew, write, cook, take a shower, watch Survivorman marathons, and they sleep beside me every night.

Bunny and her Babies.

all i need is for them to cooperate and give me time to set up Dragon on the sofa behind us.

sigh. in a perfect world.

the day my Dragon gave

{first of all, let me humbly apologize for the two black smudges that appear on some of my photographs. pixel loss is a terrible thing. i am saving for a new digital.}

i did not fall asleep until 4 AM last night. i had to get up to take my dogs out at half past 6 but then i went back to sleep for a couple of hours. it has been a very long week emotionally for no apparent reason other than i miss him and i feel like i am walking through quicksand.

i went to the widow's meeting again. i just wanted to see people, just sit in a room with some people and not be alone. one of the widow's came and picked me up. she's getting married in June but she still wants to attend the meetings and she graciously took me and brought me home.

something happened while i was there. someone saw me. chillinwithlemonade, another blogger, in fact the one who got me started, looked at my face and saw how alone i feel and how much i hurt. it was a significant event for me. someone saw behind the facade and saw the crumpled me that i am inside. thank you, sister dear, for recognizing in me what is also in you.

so i am very tired on this beautiful day. i plan on taking Captain Generic tonight and try to sleep, but only after Mega Piranha on SyFy. a girl has to treat herself on a Saturday night.

i took a break from the quilt i am designing and took the dogs out for a quick walk and low and behold, the sky was dramatically gorgeous. my Dragon was telling me to keep looking up, not down at my feet, but up at him. the mares tails are beautiful. so on behalf of my Dragon whose wings brought the breeze that instigated my looking up, and to God who created the palette so blue and the clouds so thin and swirling, here are the photos i took with some passages i cling to.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. ~ Corinthians 13:7-8

I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. ~ Song of Solomon 7:10

I do not wish any companion in the world but you. ~ The Tempest ~ Shakespeare

For where thou art, there is the world itself, And where thou art not, desolation. ~ Henry IV ~ Shakespeare

and my personal favorite: I found the one whom my soul loves. ~ Song of solomon 3:4

i love you, my dear, with all that i am and all i was ever going to be. i know that is why your death is so very hard to bear.

Bunny's Mansion ~ part three

we here at Lifestyles of the Small and Insignificant would like to say, "we were wrong." we said there would be three entries but there will be four. we - drum roll - apologize. now how many people say that and mean it? few. but we are part of the few. we are proud to stand with the mistake-makers and say, "we were wrong and we APOLOGIZE!" raise your hands with us and .... okay, we're getting carried away.

this will be the next to last entry. so here is today.

Bunny's kitchen. it is behind Bunny's famous chair and shares the wall with her studio. a more lavish yet practical layout we have yet to see.

see her pictures and magnets on her refrigerator? and see all the flags on top? she loves Old Glory. she loves pictures. Bunny loves color. all the white drives her crazy so she covers as much of it up as possible.

sitting beside her Mr. Coffee tea maker, Bunny goes public with the awareness that she drinks green tea all day every day. she is quite the tea drinker, and an underground one at that. that is until C. Everett Koop declared his love of tea and Bunny came out from underneath the tea leaves. now she's an unabashed, and unapologetic we might add, tea drinker.

her dogs have their dishes on the floor beside their water bowl. all is neat and tidy in her little kitchen.

ah, so, that's it we guess. ah, okay. on the wall above Bunny are her photos of her moon. all across her wall. moon after moon after moon.....

poor Bunny. she wishes she didn't have so many moons.

stepping out of the kitchen we glance to the left and see Bunny's long hallway. Bunny used to have the bamboo bead curtains loose but her silly Scotties kept running back and forth through them. when she told them to stop, they would. but then she would turn her back and hear those beads again and again. and she'd hear toenails digging into the carpet as they wheeled and turned, pivoting like football players out on the field doing agility drills.

along the doorknobs to two closets, you can see Bunny's bags. Bunny loves bags. she has 5 of them. crazy Bunny. they are all so old but she keeps them anyway. a girl has to have a bag.

and then there is the curtain of mystery. it softens the entrance to the lonely room behind it. the long, lovely wrap is a deep violet and has gold metallic threads and clusters of red and gold crystal beads. it was a gift from Bunny's beloved Dragon. he got it during one of his little trips out of the country. he couldn't say where but he had gone through a little town's bazaar and bought it for her. he brought it home with him and that was the most important thing to Bunny. it had been a dangerous trip he had had to go on but he had come home. as her Dragon had explained to Bunny, "i had to make it back. i had already bought the scarf thing whatever this is. i'm not good with this stuff. i just know it was pretty and you'd like it."

Bunny loves her Dragon and thinks he is so cute.

and last peek this posting, the next to last posting, is Bunny's ladies room. now here is where absolutely no magic happens. Bunny is so laid back that she doesn't wear makeup. she never has. lip balm and moisterizer, a brush through the hair, and the teeth, and Bunny is ready to meet the Queen. Bunny quips, "inner beauty will have to do." such a philosophical lady.

there are photos of lighthouses on the wall as well as photos of her Dragon. if you click to enlarge the photo you will see her Dragon's hairbrush and his toothbrush sitting side by side with Bunny's things. it's not weird. it's comforting.

some of Bunny's necklaces are hanging on the wall and her earring collection sits on the cabinet top. Bunny used to teach 3 and 4 year old preschool and art to kindergarten through 8th grade so she loved wearing all the crazy earrings her students would give her as gifts. dangling flamingos, cows, dragons. Bunny wears them. Bunny is such a fun person to know, such a crazy girl.

once again we are at the end. we hope you enjoyed this part of the tour. and - ahem - forgive us for the misunderstanding about the, ah, number of postings to show all of Bunny's mansion. we are, after all, human.

tomorrow, there will be 4 photos. it will be the last room of Bunny's mansion, her bedroom. she has a proud announcement that she will make tomorrow about it. she's done something that is a step towards getting better. we'll all just have to wait until tomorrow. Bunny sure knows how to drag this out. just as we were getting bored to tears she announces that she has an announcement. now we have to come back just to see what has happened.

for now, this is Lifestyles of the Small and Insignificant saying Carpe Diem.

human nature

i had a good day with my daughter yesterday. we only had a couple of errands to run and then we came back to my apartment. i showed her all that i am working on. i showed her sketches of plans for future projects. she gave me jeans to repair. she gets embroidery and patches done for free because she's my BabyLove.

and we talked.

my background on my computer is ever-changing photos of my Dragon. our Dragon. she was watching them change and she'd ask where we were when i took this one, and that one. she knows the stories but she knows i need to talk about him. i love to talk about him. and that's human nature.

it is human nature to miss someone so deeply that your life is forever changed if they go.

i ventured to tell her some truths about me. she told me she could handle it. she's an adult now, 26. God, i remember 26. i gave birth to her on my 26th birthday. but growing up as she did watching me divert, dissuade, and deflect her father's --- attitude --- gave her a maturity some more sheltered and nurtured children do not have. so she wanted to hear.
i told her his dying was terrible. terrible to see and terrible as i face living without him as i grieve the loss of the one person who loved me unconditionally. i told her i will always be this way though i will improve as time passes. i will smile more and laugh more. she knows i am better than i was at this time even 6 months ago, but she also is aware i am different. and i won't be able to go back to the person i was when i was safe in his loving arms.

i told her dreams die hard and that we had found a house we loved. the backyard, of which is in the photo above, backed onto the harbor and we could see the island from almost every window of the house that faced south and east. i told her that i will always love that old stone fort and wish we could have lived there. i told her i would not have moved here if he and i had lived there. i told her i would have stayed and lived alone always surrounded by him, my memories, the ocean, and the storms that rolled in.

i told her there can never be another. i know that they say never say never but my Dragon was such a man that i do not believe anyone can move into my view. i won't see them. i can't. my Dragon was an adventurer at heart. he was a closet intellect and as voracious a reader as me. he loved being outside as much as i did (do) and he showed me that i could climb out to a world i would have previously been afraid to. he gave me strength and hope and loved away my scars until i did not see them anymore. now that he is gone, i see them again. and i feel the loss of his loving gaze very much.

i told her he made me laugh. and i made him laugh. he thought i was funny, and sweet. he liked that i got "drifty" - his word for my absorption at the beauty of the world around us. he said he loved being my "camera bitch" and taking care of me, making sure i drank enough water, didn't walk off the edge of a cliff, or fall into the ocean. he got use to my adoration of him. i told him every day how much i loved him, how handsome i thought he was, and he didn't mind that i told him multiple times a day. i hero worshipped him and he was humbled by it, but he needed my loving attention as much as i needed his. we truly were meant to be a couple. "if two were one then surely we." from the poem. we were one; finishing each others sentences, starting the same sentence at exactly at the same time and always laughing, marveling that our minds were so alike. it sounds stupid and untrue but i don't care. no one was there with us to hear it. but i know it's true and i feel the loss of that kind of unity very much. i will never be the same.

i told my daughter that i miss him as much today as i did the moment he died. i told her i believe i will miss him as much 10 years from now as i do today. that will not change. we married for love. i am not a young woman anymore, middle aged. he was my second husband. and i will say it again. i married him because i love him so deeply that being without him was unimaginable. and it still is. but the reality is i have to face each minute without him, each one knowing i won't see him again in this lifetime. and i can only pray and live my quiet kind of life trying to earn the privilege of being allowed to be with him again.

my daughter is fully aware of my self-esteem issues and how our Dragon was healing me. but since his death, and my having to deal with my ex without Dragon's protection, i have suffered a loss of my hold on where i was. i feel a little guilty that i have not drawn on my knowledge of my Dragon's love to fix this but i try to be kind and remind myself that i am just coming out of the first year of shock facing the fact that he is really gone. this year i am setting myself on the task of not letting him destroy what my Dragon was reviving in me. what is said will hit me. i cannot prevent that, but i will try not to let it tear me down. i know now that i can be loved. my Dragon loved (he loves) me. i just also need to work on the concept that God loves me as well.

human nature is what it is. this is my nature. it is in my nature to always love my Dragon. William Tammeus wrote: "You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at this parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back." who knows why one person will choose to live alone and grieve for someone for the rest of their life, and wait until they can be together again after this life is finished?

don't answer that. only i know the answer. and my answer will only pertain to me.

ah, Dragon, my love. i miss you.

Five Full Moons

he died on the night of the full moon in February. i just came back inside from taking this photo of July's full moon, making it the fifth full moon since he died.

i count full moons.

every full moon i see sheds light on the passing of time. another month has gone by. i took February's full moon with him standing beside me. now i take the photos alone.

five full moons.

i see the moon and the moon sees me. God bless the moon, and God bless ........ my husband.