melancholia and poetry do not mix

I live inside my head

My head is where I live

I see him there most vibrantly

So, please, please, forgive.

I have no heart inside me

From inside me I withdrew the toll

I paid by giving him my heart to keep

And it left a great big hole.

He died and left me here alone

He left me when he died.

I know he didn’t want to go

and fate would not be denied.

My soul splintered when he left

Inside my soul is bereft

His death has left me lost and hurt

With a life that’s been set adrift.

Am I “getting better?”

“Getting better,” I cannot see.

How the hell do I “get better”

Since I am no longer “we?”

I do not want to grieve

Grief causes me great despair.

Return my Dragon to me right now

And we’ll just call it square.

Sigh, they’re not letting him come back

He won’t be returned to me

I will have to live without him near

As they have ignored my plea.

So I live inside my head these days

Yes, my head is where I live

It’s where I keep all my memories of us

So our life I can relive.

i sometimes wonder if anything i have done has been any good? has any one of the little ripples i have created in life moved or altered any collection of pine needles or leaves along any shoreline?

there's a visual for you. you can see it, can't you? you have walked up to the edge of a small pond and settle down close to its edge. there are millions of pine needles barely breaking the surface tension. floating there quietly. or leaves floating, gliding, moving and bumping into the edge where the ground meets the cool water.

throw in a little acorn or a small pebble and there are ripples. was that pebble large enough to move anything? did it make a difference in the symmetry of the little collection of flora at your feet?

does anyone even know what i am trying to describe?

i do not need to be important but i would like to think that something i have done has mattered. i am honored to have the children i have. that is something right there. i live quietly, not bothering anyone. but that is not anything. that does not leave any mark on the world. i am an artist. i am a writer. will my body of work outlast me? is it worth anything?

self-doubt is embarrassing. i wish he were here. i saw myself in his eyes and in his smile. i was (am?) loved by him. i wish i had gotten used to it while he was alive. but then it seemed an endearing quirk that i was always honored that he loved me. he would cuddle with me and caress me and tell me he loved me. he told me i was his world. to me, that is something. a man like him loved a woman like me.

he is my world. so where do i go from here? i am living the quiet life we loved, only i am living it without the cuddles, and his voice. the long years are stretching out like a one-point perspective drawing - in which parallel lines not parallel to the image appear to converge at a vanishing point. i will keep walking and living but there is no Dragon to the left, or right, not in front or behind me. just me walking that narrow little highway alone.

i am tired tonight. some things happened today that caused me distress. no need to go into it. tiny, heinous little things. had to get the ex involved. little troubles that build and weigh a person down.

like a finger pushing on a leaf trying to delicately float on the surface of a pond. enough pressure and it goes under for a while, then it pops back up a little worse for wear.

that is what i feel like tonight. a little worse for the wear.

i wish he were here to cuddle with. to caress my face. and to hear his whispered words of love.

living alone

i miss you and sometimes, so much so that i don’t know what to do with myself.

i wonder if i will ever feel safe again. through all the years, i only felt safe with you. and now you’ve gone where i cannot follow, not just yet. i don't know what to do anymore without you, without including you in my thoughts.

i know how to be alone. i have been alone all my life, but then you found me and we were one and the loss of that kind of oneness, that level of togetherness, cannot be be dealt with simply. the loss of your physical presence is far too devastating.

it is such a hot, beautiful day here. you would love it. we would have walked to Long Beach and been searching for driftwood and shells, and stones. we would swim in the chilly ocean and then walked again, up and down drying off in the heat. i would have watched you walk because i love your back, the breadth of your shoulders, and your legs. you would be glancing back, knowing i was taking photos of you. and you would smile. you would have smiled. we are not there because you are not here.

disenfranchised. that is the one word that describes the enormity of what has happened to me. you died and i was cut adrift, left to fight alone the myriad of battles life will always bring to anyone’s door, to my door. i am tired from the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." i feel world-weary and battle-scarred. and you are not here to touch me, to engulf me in your arms and hold me to your heart.

who do i call upon, our exhausted daughter, our overworked son? i find cannot. i am still their mother and i take that honor very seriously. i signed on forever as mom. i need them at times and i do ask but to burden them with being my daily friends? i cannot do that to them.

our girl brought over her medium format camera and we took a photo of the moon. she and i said to each other, "why haven't we done this before?" we simply didn't think of it. it took a few days for the development. you remember. it is not the kind of film to run down to the local Wolf Camera or the CVS. but i have it now and i love it. my moon shot of all moon shots. but it will not stop me from going out there every full moon from now until the end of time.

i got through Easter. our daughter and her husband came and got me and brought me over to his grandmother’s for lunch. it was his family there, the in-laws. i tried to interject into the conversation. i smiled. i mentioned you. our daughter’s mother-in-law and her sister-in-law were talking about the selective hearing of their husbands. i merely mentioned that you had had excellent hearing and that it had been a game of sorts for me to try and sneak up on you. nothing worked. they looked at me and nodded so i know they saw me, but they never said much.

“uh, huh.” that was all that was said.

our girl was so upset. she asked her mother-in-law about it privately and was told, “we never knew him and it was inappropriate for her to bring him up at our family meal.”

disenfranchised. everywhere i go. i simply do not understand it. i feel so lost without you. i feel invisible. how do people not see me, or feel they can say and do these things and it be all right? i am a person. and i have feelings. i think i am developing a persecution complex.

you always took care of my feelings. you always hugged me, held my hand, and poof, i was visible. no one ignored me or treated me badly when i was with you. i was the Dragon’s wife, and that carried a lot of weight.

i am feeling the loss of you acutely. life is just going to go on and on this way and i honestly cannot look too far into the future. it makes me so tired. the children are grown and i am not needed like i once was. i have no life here other than the one i have created inside this apartment. i need something to happen that’s good for me. i need some freedom. i need a break from all this worry and anguish. i need you and your magic. i miss you more than even i thought possible, and i knew how much you meant to me after just a few weeks of meeting you.

i need to get a hold of myself and start liking myself as much as you did. the two widows who were so cruel have been leaving me alone and now i know that joining our daughter with her new in-laws won’t be something i’ll never do again. live and learn. somehow, someway, maybe something good will happen to me. not another you, but just a change in the circumstances of my life. money. a vehicle. something that sets me free.

i dream of moving back to the ocean but that is just a dream.

as you always were - my dream. as you are now - my dream. always there, in my dreams. here is my inept attempt at a poem for you today. i think it is awful. you would have pulled me in your lap and told me it was beautiful.

living alone with the dream of love

is a lonely thing to do.

i sit with the memories

all the time

and simply think of you.

i remember how it was when you were here

it was magic to be loved by you.

you shined your light

on my life

all i wanted was you.

i wonder if i’ll ever feel safe again

because i only felt safe with you.

you held me tight

and whispered your love

but now i no longer do.

i’m tired and i’m spent and i’m homesick, too

i miss the ocean and you.

i don’t know what’s coming

i’m scared and lost

and yes, all i’ll ever want is you.