Bunny's Pinning !! ~ and bad days still

Bunny is pinning.  hope you follow her.  she likes to see that, those numbers.  she likes to see if anyone notices her.  lets make Bunny's numbers go up and up.  she pinning some pretty good stuff.  *tease tease* she's an awful interesting Bun.

http://pinterest.com/abandonedsouls/

bad days still.  the Bun is so very tired.  did she tell you?  she fell down.  her knee is broken.  little chips floating around inside her knee.  she needs arthroscopic surgery.  she's got to figure this out.  yes, she has insurance now but it's the time.  she won't be paid for any days off.  she needs that paycheck.  so she's gonna try to figure out a way for her to have a couple of days off side-by-side to have the surgery and recuperate.  then take a "honey day" - bear language for a paid day off - to do some more resting.  3 days should do it.  after all, didn't that 14-year old Olympic gymnast have it done and performed the next day?  Bunny is just as spry as a 14-year old Olympic gymnast.  right?  okay, but at least admit she has the heart of one, the determination to withstand the pain to do it.  not the Olympics but at least have the surgery and then get up and get her little Bunny self back to work.

so she's thinking, knee first, then foot.  *very heavy sigh*

it's been 4 weeks since her work schedule and her daughter's work schedule worked out for them to get together.  that's a long time to not see a friendly face.

which brings Bunny to the teaser that she's working on a blog entry about the human condition, the humans she sees at work.  Lordy Lord Lord, there are some freaky people out there.  and she thought the other mall had some strangers.  she's met some real nutcases at this mall.  come back and check soon as she's got to tell you about this.

this morning Bunny woke up and was hurting so badly she cried.  not out of grief.  not out of loneliness.  just in physical pain.  and then the grief hit her.  she wanted an apple and cinnamon toast.  so she called out her Dragon's name.  so thoughtless.  so cruel that Bunny.  but she didn't know.  she just didn't know Miss Carmen Sophia the Wild Gypsy Girl and Mr. Scootie Wootums Lord of the Dance with the Stardust Eyes would react so.

Bunny called out her Dragon's name and both dogs instantly sat up in bed.  they jerked there gazes to the bedroom door waiting for him to come in to the bedroom to us.  i tried to hug them.  they kept pulling away to keep their eyes on that door.  stupid Bunny.  it's been 3 years, but it's Dragon!  of course they don't really understand.  they are loyal and faithful.  they are waiting for him to come back. 

Bunny cried.  and they forgave her and licked her face and cuddled with her.  Bunny felt she didn't deserve it at all.

see?  bad days still.

melancholia and poetry do not mix

I live inside my head

My head is where I live

I see him there most vibrantly

So, please, please, forgive.

I have no heart inside me

From inside me I withdrew the toll

I paid by giving him my heart to keep

And it left a great big hole.

He died and left me here alone

He left me when he died.

I know he didn’t want to go

and fate would not be denied.

My soul splintered when he left

Inside my soul is bereft

His death has left me lost and hurt

With a life that’s been set adrift.

Am I “getting better?”

“Getting better,” I cannot see.

How the hell do I “get better”

Since I am no longer “we?”

I do not want to grieve

Grief causes me great despair.

Return my Dragon to me right now

And we’ll just call it square.

Sigh, they’re not letting him come back

He won’t be returned to me

I will have to live without him near

As they have ignored my plea.

So I live inside my head these days

Yes, my head is where I live

It’s where I keep all my memories of us

So our life I can relive.

i sometimes wonder if anything i have done has been any good? has any one of the little ripples i have created in life moved or altered any collection of pine needles or leaves along any shoreline?

there's a visual for you. you can see it, can't you? you have walked up to the edge of a small pond and settle down close to its edge. there are millions of pine needles barely breaking the surface tension. floating there quietly. or leaves floating, gliding, moving and bumping into the edge where the ground meets the cool water.

throw in a little acorn or a small pebble and there are ripples. was that pebble large enough to move anything? did it make a difference in the symmetry of the little collection of flora at your feet?

does anyone even know what i am trying to describe?

i do not need to be important but i would like to think that something i have done has mattered. i am honored to have the children i have. that is something right there. i live quietly, not bothering anyone. but that is not anything. that does not leave any mark on the world. i am an artist. i am a writer. will my body of work outlast me? is it worth anything?

self-doubt is embarrassing. i wish he were here. i saw myself in his eyes and in his smile. i was (am?) loved by him. i wish i had gotten used to it while he was alive. but then it seemed an endearing quirk that i was always honored that he loved me. he would cuddle with me and caress me and tell me he loved me. he told me i was his world. to me, that is something. a man like him loved a woman like me.

he is my world. so where do i go from here? i am living the quiet life we loved, only i am living it without the cuddles, and his voice. the long years are stretching out like a one-point perspective drawing - in which parallel lines not parallel to the image appear to converge at a vanishing point. i will keep walking and living but there is no Dragon to the left, or right, not in front or behind me. just me walking that narrow little highway alone.

i am tired tonight. some things happened today that caused me distress. no need to go into it. tiny, heinous little things. had to get the ex involved. little troubles that build and weigh a person down.

like a finger pushing on a leaf trying to delicately float on the surface of a pond. enough pressure and it goes under for a while, then it pops back up a little worse for wear.

that is what i feel like tonight. a little worse for the wear.

i wish he were here to cuddle with. to caress my face. and to hear his whispered words of love.

the death of kickass bunny

this morning, something terrible happened that i simply cannot shake. i am writing about it to try to let some of it go.

there was a bunny who lived in the stand of trees across from my apartment. when i first noticed him, i always walked my dogs away from him (or her) and spoke softly to him. i gave him his part of the yard because i love him. he is so handsome. he guarded a tree directly across from my balcony and one day i saw this phenomenal act of nature. i caught it as a series of photos and that is when i named him "kickass bunny."

there was this standoff. i could see kickass bunny trembling, but he held the crow's stare with a steely one of his own.

he countered every move the crow made. kickass bunny was not going to back down.

then i watched the big chase. every action film has one. reality proved no less action packed.

kickass bunny gave no ground and kept after that crow until it flew away. i was so relieved.

day after day i watched over kickass bunny. i even alerted the front office to tell the yard men to be careful when they mowed. and they were. i was thrilled after they left to see kickass bunny bounding back out in the yard.

we had this relationship, imagined on my part. i felt he had gotten used to me and my dogs. i never let them bark at him. we always gave him a wide berth. he was kickass bunny and he deserved the respect of distance. he had grown used to me, i felt. he had stopped cowering and had started raising himself up on his back legs to see me. his ears would move forward as if he were curious about me but not afraid. his little nose would twitch just a little bit. he never seemed nervous when i was around. and so i fell in love with kickass bunny.

this morning, two dogs off leash with no owner in sight targeted my little kickass bunny. they worked in tandem and killed him. i heard his scream. i will never forget that sound. i saw the dogs trotting off into the woods, one of them carrying his limp bunny body in its mouth.

i have been crying off and on all day. i will never see his little head pop up out of the grass again. he is gone. he died in terror. i know. it is nature. dogs will be dogs. but there is a leash law here and i cannot stop myself from viciously thinking that if those dogs had been on a leash, my kickass bunny would be settling in for the night tonight. and i would see him in the morning. it is a stupid thing to be upset over, but it was that scream. such a soul-wrenching sound from a silent little bunny.

i let myself get attached. but it isn't as if he died of natural causes, or just disappeared one day to never return. i saw it happen and it was pointless. i am angry about it and so very upset.

i will miss you so very much, kickass bunny. i think i am crying over you because, well, to be perfectly honest, i sort of thought maybe my Dragon had shown up in bunny form to come check on me. like my own personal version of "To Dance With The White Dog."

i love you, kickass bunny. i will never forget you.

quiet desperation

i want to go home. i think maybe he doesn't know where i am. i know others have written or spoken of "feeling him (her) around." i haven't had anything close to something that distinct. i'm not sure of anything anymore. so i want to go home. i want to lie down tonight and close my eyes and wake up and be in his arms at home. the only home i've ever known was with him.

where we lived in Rockport, we were so lucky. if you click on the above photo and let it get larger for you, past the harbor entrance to the right, just to the left of the Headlands, there. right there you'll catch a glimpse of our island.

i chose that photo because that's all i have these days, a glimpse of the island that held our attention, our vigil, our dreams and fantasies for so long. i tell myself, "tonight you'll go to the island and be with him." but my subconscious is kicking me in the ass. it won't do what i say.

i want to go home and this hasn't happened. i want him back.

i saw the trailer on television for this movie, "The Lovely Bones." i read the book a long time ago. i don't think the movie is going to be like the book at all. they feel their daughter. she helps them. my Dragon, well, i am so receptive to any sign, any little clue of his presence beyond meeting my bills, getting to eat a couple of times a day, beyond the immense blessing of getting to go to San Diego in August, beyond being allowed to make the quilts to help people heal. maybe i'm being greedy and that's why i can't feel his breath, or smell his morning coffee.

maybe it's because he's never been here with me. where is he? why can't he find me? or maybe he has found me and i'm too upset, crying too hard to know he's close. that means it's all my fault. that means i'm giving in to this grief and i have to stop being weak.

but i'm tired and i want to go home. i want to fall asleep with his body curled around me all warm and alive. i want to feel his hands on me stroking me so i relax and drift off. i want to feel his heart beating against my back and his beard on my neck.

i want a sign.
please, nothing huge. nothing of any Biblical or astronomical import. just a nudge tonight. just a whisper in my ear as i sit and sew late in the darkness that closes in when i have only that one light on beside my chair. just a slight touch. it could be as small as a tiny feeling of peace that finally is allowed to touch my heart.

it only takes a small spark to start getting warm. when one starts getting warm, hope will cease being dormant. it will rouse and start to stretch out it's stiff limbs. then one has a chance at surviving the worst thing that could ever happen. i don't need to really "live" live. i just want to survive so i can exist a little longer. i have some things i need to do, to take care of, before life kicks me in the teeth again. but by then i will accept it as my fate. i am an amiable soul.

but until then, all i wish for is a little sign from you, Dragon dear. a little sign that you remember me, maybe even that you're waiting for me. but i don't want to appear greedy. i just want to feel that you are happy and remember me with love.

i'm having such a hard time without you. in the morning, if you were still here, you'd wake me with kisses and caresses. you'd whisper what you whispered every year we were together.

happy birthday, love. you know why you were born, don't you? to be mine. you were born to be my love.

i'm going to wake up with puppy breath in my face and the job of finding the will to face another day. it's my daughter's birthday. that's what i'll wake up for and paste on a smile for. and i'll look in the mirror at a woman revealed in the harsh lighting. i'll see all too well. i know her sins and i know the sins she is a victim of. but i'll tell her just like i've told her every morning since he died, "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

a falling apart kind of day

i don't have any poems nor any little stories. this is just straight forward writing.

i've had a bad day. i didn't want to get out of bed. once i did, i tried, i really tried, but i kept crying. i'm still lethargic late this afternoon. i feel so very sad. this is one of the worse days i've had in, oh, God, i cracked my first smile. see writing does help. it puts things in perspective. this is the worst day i've had in about two weeks.

i had momentum. i really did. my cough is dying out and i've had a few days of great progress. but today, i have only worked for a few hours. i am the worst boss i've ever worked for. i work myself for anywhere from 12 to 15 hours a day. i'll work until very late. but today, i'm slogging through so much grief and sorrow that it's like quicksand.

i see homes through the trees behind my apartment all lit up with Christmas lights. there is a commercial on television that i can't get away from. a man and a woman are standing in front of their big picture window at their beautiful log cabin lake house. there is a terrible storm outside and when a sudden flash of lightning drives the wife into her husband's arms, he says to her, "hey, it's all right. i'll always be here."

and i always say to the television, "don't make promises you have no control over being able to keep."

my Dragon promised he'd never leave me. and i worry, yeah, i've said it, one of my fears is that he died in pain and so terribly afraid, for me and for himself. it's eating me up inside today. i'm trying to fight against my own mind. it's that locked trunk i keep in the closet that rattling. i know what's locked in there. all my fears and worries that will ruin me if i let them get out.

so i'm trying to focus on my island. it has a dusting of snow on it, just like it did this time last year. i'm going through all my photos that are still on the computer and trying to get them burned off so that they are safe. i can't lose any of them. they are my past. they are of the places where i was when i was happy. they are of all the places i was while he was alive.

i wish there was someone i could call to come over and sit with me so i could talk about him. there are so many little stories i could tell. i feel like i could call "jude," "supa," Suddenwidow," and Boo and any one of them would rush right over with a sack of hamburgers and thick milkshakes, but even if they started now, the burgers would be cold and the shakes mushy. in other words, the people i've "met" who would come do not live within even 250 miles of me.

so it is to here that i come on this darkening late afternoon. i am alone as i always am and, most likely for the unforeseeable future, always will be. i'm weary and i wish i could crawl into his lap and lay my head down and sleep. i want to feel his legs behind my head. i want to feel his hands on me, caressing me, relaxing me. i want to close my eyes and listen to the low murmur of this voice.

i want him.

so i'll close my eyes and click my heels and say, "there's no place like home. take me to my island. take me home."

*sigh* i'm still here.