i had written that my faith in Heaven was shaken since i watched my husband die in front of me. he had been revived, or so they tell me, and rushed to the hospital, but he wasn't there 5 minutes when the doctor came to say there was nothing she could do, that he was "gone."
i wrote that in my darker moments, because at this time all my moments are dark, i worried if he was in Heaven, happy, at peace, still in love with me, or still remembered me. i wrote it and quantified it for the article as the passing thoughts of grief that happen to a person and anyone feeling this way shouldn't feel alone in their journey. and it's still true. i worry about if he's alright where he is. i worry if he'll get to come to me when i die. i worry that i won't get to see him and it would kill my soul to not get to be with him forever. everyone loves their spouse and i am no different. i adore my husband.
but this woman left her comments and didn't see my writing for what it was, a lament from the darkest place in the heart. she said: "You hurt because you're suppose to hurt. You didn't love him if you didn't hurt a little bit. Is it right to feel so sad-no it isn't. You are very wrong to feel like this. It has been as you wrote over three months now. You have all those good memories of your husband-focus on those and it should give you some comfort that he is still with you, but in heaven. I personally know that our loved ones who have passed still love us; they take that love with them. I personally believe their soul keeps on living but I have faith as you apparently do not. Just work on all your projects-hopefully they will generate the revenue you need to take care of any medical and dental expenses-this is where you are supposed to move, this is all you need to focus on. Maybe someday you will find God. I will pray for your lost soul."
i know this flies in the face of everything i've read, been told, and heard but still i cried over it. i do have faith in God. i do believe my husband is in Heaven. i pray everyday, often say small things to God, directly to Him. i also talk to my husband as well. it wounded me, though, to not be understood when i had thought my writing was fairly clear. so i left my own comment. i told her that she had the right to her opinion but that i didn't think she used empathy while she read my writing. i said that i did have faith but that it was not an abomination to worry and feel the darkness of doubts and fears; that even Mark Twain and C. S. Lewis wrote of their fears. and even the Messiah, who is perfect, had His doubts and lamented from the cross, "my God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?"
if Jesus can ask that question, why can't i suffer through my fears and worries? i think it is part of my particular and unique grief. i know not everyone has that worry, but i have low self-esteem issues, even with regards to God. who am i to expect God to hear me? (you'd have to have read one of my other, older blogs to understand why i'm so beaten down.)
i just wanted to post this, to air it out and get it out of my system. to tattle on someone who had hurt my feelings and made me cry. she doesn't matter in the big picture, but she is now a small ugly blot on my picture. i guess i shouldn't stand too close to look at it.