how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, June 1, 2009

i was chastised about my grief

i wrote an article on my other site and a woman left a terse comment that wounded me and made me cry, then feel so angry and hurt.

i had written that my faith in Heaven was shaken since i watched my husband die in front of me.  he had been revived, or so they tell me, and rushed to the hospital, but he wasn't there 5 minutes when the doctor came to say there was nothing she could do, that he was "gone."

i wrote that in my darker moments, because at this time all my moments are dark, i worried if he was in Heaven, happy, at peace, still in love with me, or still remembered me.  i wrote it and quantified it for the article as the passing thoughts of grief that happen to a person and anyone feeling this way shouldn't feel alone in their journey.  and it's still true.  i worry about if he's alright where he is.  i worry if he'll get to come to me when i die.  i worry that i won't get to see him and it would kill my soul to not get to be with him forever.  everyone loves their spouse and i am no different.  i adore my husband.

but this woman left her comments and didn't see my writing for what it was, a lament from the darkest place in the heart.  she said:  "You hurt because you're suppose to hurt. You didn't love him if you didn't hurt a little bit.  Is it right to feel so sad-no it isn't. You are very wrong to feel like this.  It has been as you wrote over three months now.  You have all those good memories of your husband-focus on those and it should give you some comfort that he is still with you, but in heaven. I personally know that our loved ones who have passed still love us; they take that love with them. I personally believe their soul keeps on living but I have faith as you apparently do not.  Just work on all your projects-hopefully they will generate the revenue you need to take care of any medical and dental expenses-this is where you are supposed to move, this is all you need to focus on.  Maybe someday you will find God.  I will pray for your lost soul."

 i know this flies in the face of everything i've read, been told, and heard but still i cried over it.  i do have faith in God.  i do believe my husband is in Heaven.  i pray everyday, often say small things to God, directly to Him.  i also talk to my husband as well.  it wounded me, though, to not be understood when i had thought my writing was fairly clear.  so i left my own comment.  i told her that she had the right to her opinion but that i didn't think she used empathy while she read my writing.  i said that i did have faith but that it was not an abomination to worry and feel the darkness of doubts and fears; that even Mark Twain and C. S. Lewis wrote of their fears.  and even the Messiah, who is perfect, had His doubts and lamented from the cross, "my God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?"

if Jesus can ask that question, why can't i suffer through my fears and worries?  i think it is part of my particular and unique grief.  i know not everyone has that worry, but i have low self-esteem issues, even with regards to God.  who am i to expect God to hear me?  (you'd have to have read one of my other, older blogs to understand why i'm so beaten down.)

i just wanted to post this, to air it out and get it out of my system.  to tattle on someone who had hurt my feelings and made me cry.  she doesn't matter in the big picture, but she is now a small ugly blot on my picture.  i guess i shouldn't stand too close to look at it.


Supa Dupa Fresh said...

This woman is crazy. Loss often shakes the foundation of faith. And faith doesn't mean much, by my lights, if it's blind and unresponsive.

Any minister in any faith tradition worth their salt would be open to talking with you about your feelings, which include your feelings about divinity and the universe. If faith does not help us seek answers, what good is it?

Blogging does expose you to nutcases. Grieving folks are vulnerable. This was just a bad matchup. Don't take it personally (and consider blocking her from commenting again).

"You are very wrong to feel like this." How can a "feeling" be "wrong?" What a nutjob. Sounds like she has an empathy problem and is working it out at your expense. A load of B.S. that has nothing to do with you!

Peh! I'm mad!


womanNshadows said...

=o} thank you Supa.

Split-Second Single Father said...

I am so sorry this happened. This has been my biggest blog-fear as I also tend to internalize things (including hateful comments) and give them more weight than they're due.

I agree with Supa that this woman is clearly a nutjob. I would guess she has not lost a spouse and therefore cannot understand what you are going through. Even if she has, every relationship is different and every one of us grieves differently. (My mom and I just had this conversation the other night in comparing our own experiences with widowhood).

My faith is still recovering and it's been over two years. The importance is not in the length of time that passes, but in the fact that the recovery process has not yet grown stagnant.

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

This woman most likely is a blog troll. They scroll through people's posts and comment only the most hurtful and stupid things to say to get a rise out of the reader. Give me her name. I will go beat her up. I know some people:) I feel bad for her. I have and still feel many of the same feelings you write about. The questions, the concerns, the hurt. I searched my Bible, and still do for every verse on Heaven grasping for an answer. ugh. this is the worst part of having a blog, the stupid trolls.

womanNshadows said...

thank you Split Second Single Father and Chillin' with Lemonade. i know she is a kook but she caught me at a weak moment. i was open to the swipe. and you're right Chillin', there are trolls out there. thank you both for your support. i've been having a really rough four days here. i appreciate your words.

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