how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, June 15, 2009

sometimes it's just too much

i have spent the entire day sewing. i didn't realize it was so late until my dogs were begging for supper. i got a lot done though. i finished completely, folded and waiting, a quilt for one of the women in my widow's group. i also finished cutting and fitting the pieces of the quilt back of chillinwithlemonade's quilt. i'll sew it together tomorrow. then the borders, binding, and then the batting. quilted. done. it will be completed in time for her.

but my thoughts stayed on my husband. even with all the sewing, i was suffering. i tried listening to music. every song had a hidden agenda today. i tried the family channel. i cried during "Full House."

my dogs needed to go outside for a walk after they ate and a guy in my building had his dog outside off leash. the little thing was running everywhere, not listening, causing people coming home to have to wait on it. crazy little thing. still a puppy really. i blame the man. my dogs were barking like crazy. how dare that other dog walk their kingdom. from the second floor balcony, all they survey is theirs. silly little scotties, but i don't ever have them outside off leash. if my husband had been here, he would have hollered off the balcony to put the dog on a leash so we could walk outside.

if he'd been here, we would have gone outside instead of me hiding inside and making my dogs wait.
if he were here, i wouldn't be so lonely.
if he were here, i wouldn't have cried today.
if he were here, but to go down that road is torture and pointless. it does more harm than good.

at the group last Thursday, the facilitator asked us to finish this sentence: "I wish....."

before she even started calling on us to respond, my jaw was hurting. my heart was hurting. my mind was silently screaming, "no. don't go there." i remembered that old saying, 'if wishes were horses then beggars would ride.'

i wish he were here. someone said it first. i said, "ditto." she wouldn't let me go with that. but that's all i wish for. i wish he were here. i wish he hadn't had to go. i wish he were with me now and i wasn't on this stupid computer writing that i wish he were here with me.

sometimes it's just too much.

he was the best man in the world - for me. everyone of us had the best man or woman in the world. he was mine. i love him so very much. i miss him so very much. i need him so very much.

i wish he were here with me right now. i'd get off this computer and go sit with him. he'd put his arm around me, or his hand on my leg, and we'd watch some television together. then go to bed and fall asleep safe, quiet, not alone. together. my hand on his chest. the feel of his heartbeat under my palm. and then, i'd drift off.

sometimes it's really just too much. such a setback today. 126 days today. an anniversary every week. i haven't let it go yet. it feels like i'm going to have to start over tomorrow at ground zero. day one feelings. maybe it will be different but right now, i just don't know.


Chillin' with Lemonade said...

You up for a dog walk? I walk my Juneau every day. I could come meet you one day and we could walk and cry together.

I didn't realize how strong those emotions would be after seeing the quilt last week. Oh, it's beautiful. I can just see him wearing every piece.

I wish they were here, too.

Suddenwidow said...

Ditto. And I will email you about the three quilts. I'm busy marking school work tonight but I'm happy that we'll be able to organize a way for you to create quilts for the boys and I. I'm looking forward to wrapping myself in it. Wish I could join you both for those walks and cries. Sounds healing.

Split-Second Single Father said...

I noticed you classified this day as a "setback" when it could very likely be the exact opposite. I think grieving helps us move forward (whatever that entails). My biggest setbacks have been during those times when I have tried desperately to avoid my grief and pain. It's when I allow myself to grieve fully that I feel the most healing.

Setbacks or strides forward - who knows? Just wanted to offer another perspective.

And I think it's wonderful that you and CWL are going to walk your dogs together. You are both better dog owners than I am!

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