how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

i'm so sad tonight all i can do is write, and cry.

i don't know what to do with myself tonight.  i miss him so much.  he is the most important person to me, please know that doesn't mean i've forgotten my children, my children mean everything to me as well, but right now, they are fine and he is dead.  i can't say passed on, or gone on ahead, or all the other euphemisms for what happened.  he died.  he died and i am here without him and i am so lost and miserable without him.  

it's hit me so hard tonight.  almost a setback.  no, it is a setback.  four months without him.  his voice isn't in my ear.  his eyes aren't looking into mine.  his hand isn't in mine anymore.  his hand on the small of my back guiding me in front of him when we walk through a door, or past people on the street.  so many things missing from my life that came from him.  attention.  love.  peace of mind.  contentment.  security.  safety.  a person who would stand up for me.  a man who would let me coddle and protect him.  a man who needed me and valued me.  he never tired or me.  he loved me and now i don't have him to go to.  i don't have him to worry over, or tease, or grab his hand and entice to the beach.  

i miss him so much tonight.  i don't feel like i can do this and yet there is no other option.  i can't give up.  that won't get me to him.  i have to simply live one minute after the other and accept what life has brought me.  to my knees.

i love him.  i miss him.  i'm just having a very bad night tonight.  but i have sewing to do and i'm no where near being able to go to sleep.  i hurt too much.  i need to calm my mind and my heart.  my soul?  my soul will always be listening for his voice, reaching out into the dark for his touch, searching for sight of his silhouette, the comfort of the familiar sight of his big shoulders and his arms reaching back for me. 

i need to touch his clothes tonight so i think i'll go sew on my own husband quilt.  i need something tangible in my hands that belongs to him.

thank you, anyone, who may be listening.  i'm just so sad tonight.  see, i miss him a lot and i don't know what to do but write it out as i cry, and then go sew.


Suddenwidow said...

I'm here listening and I can completely relate to what you're feeling. Keep breathing and know that this incredible overwhelming sadness will pass. You know it will because it has before. Cry, ride the grief wave as long as you need to and hold your husband quilt as tight as you need to. I'm so sorry you're having a tough night. I hope that tomorrow's dawn brings you some peace.
Thinking of you,

Split-Second Single Father said...

I am so glad you are able to blog when grief strikes. That's one thing I was completely unable to do during the first year without my wife (actually, the first two years). I hope it helps to know that there are others out here who have felt what you are feeling tonight, even if we can't be there for you in person.

It has been a rough few days for me as well. My daughter will mark a milestone this weekend, and it is really hitting me hard. Usually grief strikes after the event for me, but there will be family in town then, so I guess it has changed its course this time.

Knowing it will be okay doesn't help when your body is wracked with sobs, but try to hold on to that. There will be a moment that is better than this.

And perhaps the next will be even better still.

jolenedr said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jolenedr said...

I am listening. I have known women who have been seperated from their loved ones by death of the other. I can't imagine what it might be like. The only thing I could possibly compare it to is a very empty ache and sadness from being alone. I pray you are doing so much better.


jolenedr said...

I see your pictures change. I keep you especially bookmarked. You sorrow tears at me for some reason. I wish I could do or say something that would make it better but there are no words. Just know I carry your sadness with me. I pray for your peace. Take solace in your children. They are alive and I am sure they want their mom back...but when your ready. This weekend must have been terribly hard for you. I will be listening and praying for you.

Take care of you...that is what your Dragon would want.


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