i don't know what to do with myself tonight. i miss him so much. he is the most important person to me, please know that doesn't mean i've forgotten my children, my children mean everything to me as well, but right now, they are fine and he is dead. i can't say passed on, or gone on ahead, or all the other euphemisms for what happened. he died. he died and i am here without him and i am so lost and miserable without him.
it's hit me so hard tonight. almost a setback. no, it is a setback. four months without him. his voice isn't in my ear. his eyes aren't looking into mine. his hand isn't in mine anymore. his hand on the small of my back guiding me in front of him when we walk through a door, or past people on the street. so many things missing from my life that came from him. attention. love. peace of mind. contentment. security. safety. a person who would stand up for me. a man who would let me coddle and protect him. a man who needed me and valued me. he never tired or me. he loved me and now i don't have him to go to. i don't have him to worry over, or tease, or grab his hand and entice to the beach.
i miss him so much tonight. i don't feel like i can do this and yet there is no other option. i can't give up. that won't get me to him. i have to simply live one minute after the other and accept what life has brought me. to my knees.
i love him. i miss him. i'm just having a very bad night tonight. but i have sewing to do and i'm no where near being able to go to sleep. i hurt too much. i need to calm my mind and my heart. my soul? my soul will always be listening for his voice, reaching out into the dark for his touch, searching for sight of his silhouette, the comfort of the familiar sight of his big shoulders and his arms reaching back for me.
i need to touch his clothes tonight so i think i'll go sew on my own husband quilt. i need something tangible in my hands that belongs to him.
thank you, anyone, who may be listening. i'm just so sad tonight. see, i miss him a lot and i don't know what to do but write it out as i cry, and then go sew.