how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

poem to mark 136 days without daisies

my heart is completely shattered,
my world has been blown away.
on a handful of unpredictable breaths,
i changed from a wife to a stray.

i'm a widow in a world halfway frozen
with glib condolences tossed in my lap.
my life has been completely derailed
and i haven't yet found any map.

that i miss you, that's a given.
that it's this bad, nobody knows.
i cry everyday and even little things hurt
i have no highs, only lows.

i want you back, like your death never was
i can't live without you near.
the world grows colder while my heartache builds
the timeframe of my sorrow is clear.

i'll grieve for you my whole life long
such is my love, my connection to you.
you mattered more than you ever knew
there's nothing left here for me to do.

so i'll wait and i'll live because that's all that's left
i just work to numb the heartache.
i'll wait for you for as long as it takes
and paste on a smile that is fake.


Suddenwidow said...

Sending you hugs and feeling your pain. Your poem is beautiful Take care of yourself.


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