it's the middle of the afternoon. i have been working on the Memory Quilts, but i had to go take a short nap, a snap as it were. i can't sleep still. haven't been able to get an entire night - not 6 straight hours since he died. i'm afraid to take the full dosage of the tylenol PM because i get so dopey taking things like Nyquil and Benedryl. i'm a lightweight in the meds department. i don't like being "under the influence" especially now that i'm alone. i'm so tired.
i miss him.
sunday it will be 6 months.
i miss him. i want him back. stupid thing to say.
i got the Marine Dress Blues teddy bear in the mail. i put his Navy Cross on it and his Purple Heart with the silver star signifying all the other purple hearts. it's the only two medals i can fit on the bear. he's only 12 inches high and the mini medals were the only ones that would fit on him. and then only 2. it isn't close to what he has but it still looks good. it honors him and that's what my daughter and i wanted. my daughter is reserving the first chair front row for him to stand on. i'm not sitting at all through the wedding. i'm the photographer. but my son will have the next chair beside Hubby Bear and will take care of him for me.
i miss my husband. i've already cried twice today - out of the blue - for no particular reason. nothing happened. i was simply overwhelmed with the loss of him. i miss him so much that it sometimes feels like i won't ever feel joy again.
my daughter's wedding. i'm happy for her. i'm having fun helping her, making everything. i'm literally making everything. i even made the guest book. but that deep feeling of joy, the release of the soul when true joy is felt? i don't have that. i want his hand holding mine. i want to see him walking her down the aisle.
one thing has happened that i can't even write about. i can't risk it. even if i did risk it, i don't know if anyone would understand why we did what we did, or rather gave up what we had to give up. you'd have to know everything and i can't tell anyone everything. but a situation came up and my daughter and i had to surrender to this one thing and it's heartbreaking for her and me. there was no other way out for us. it was the lesser of two evils. like voting for Cthulhu for president.
i wish there was someone i could tell this really bad stuff to. the rest of my life will be a f-word minefield right in front of the gates of Hell. i just have to keep my head down, keep walking, and never look up, and for God's sake, never relax. i'm back on sentry duty.
it's like the new SyFy channel most dangerous night on television ads. "never stop running. never look back. never make a noise. never let them know you're there. never show fear. never slow down. never give up. and never assume it's over."
maybe i'm oversimplifying but if you stand back and look at the whole picture, it really is kinda like that.
now that my wonderful, handsome, safe, loving Marine has died, that is the synopsis of my life until i can find a way out.
it's going to be a long, lonely life without my husband. such a long, hard life without his smile, his voice, his protection, without his love giving me strength.
i miss him for everything he offered me but most of all, i just miss being loved.