how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

"never look back, never show fear, never slow down, and never assume it's over."

it's the middle of the afternoon. i have been working on the Memory Quilts, but i had to go take a short nap, a snap as it were. i can't sleep still. haven't been able to get an entire night - not 6 straight hours since he died. i'm afraid to take the full dosage of the tylenol PM because i get so dopey taking things like Nyquil and Benedryl. i'm a lightweight in the meds department. i don't like being "under the influence" especially now that i'm alone. i'm so tired.

i miss him.

sunday it will be 6 months.

i miss him. i want him back. stupid thing to say.

i got the Marine Dress Blues teddy bear in the mail. i put his Navy Cross on it and his Purple Heart with the silver star signifying all the other purple hearts. it's the only two medals i can fit on the bear. he's only 12 inches high and the mini medals were the only ones that would fit on him. and then only 2. it isn't close to what he has but it still looks good. it honors him and that's what my daughter and i wanted. my daughter is reserving the first chair front row for him to stand on. i'm not sitting at all through the wedding. i'm the photographer. but my son will have the next chair beside Hubby Bear and will take care of him for me.

i miss my husband. i've already cried twice today - out of the blue - for no particular reason. nothing happened. i was simply overwhelmed with the loss of him. i miss him so much that it sometimes feels like i won't ever feel joy again.

my daughter's wedding. i'm happy for her. i'm having fun helping her, making everything. i'm literally making everything. i even made the guest book. but that deep feeling of joy, the release of the soul when true joy is felt? i don't have that. i want his hand holding mine. i want to see him walking her down the aisle.

one thing has happened that i can't even write about. i can't risk it. even if i did risk it, i don't know if anyone would understand why we did what we did, or rather gave up what we had to give up. you'd have to know everything and i can't tell anyone everything. but a situation came up and my daughter and i had to surrender to this one thing and it's heartbreaking for her and me. there was no other way out for us. it was the lesser of two evils. like voting for Cthulhu for president.

i wish there was someone i could tell this really bad stuff to. the rest of my life will be a f-word minefield right in front of the gates of Hell. i just have to keep my head down, keep walking, and never look up, and for God's sake, never relax. i'm back on sentry duty.

it's like the new SyFy channel most dangerous night on television ads. "never stop running. never look back. never make a noise. never let them know you're there. never show fear. never slow down. never give up. and never assume it's over."

maybe i'm oversimplifying but if you stand back and look at the whole picture, it really is kinda like that.

now that my wonderful, handsome, safe, loving Marine has died, that is the synopsis of my life until i can find a way out.

it's going to be a long, lonely life without my husband. such a long, hard life without his smile, his voice, his protection, without his love giving me strength.

i miss him for everything he offered me but most of all, i just miss being loved.


Ann said...

Of course I have no idea what you are referring to that will haunt your life forever more, but if you possibly can get it out, please do! I had a situation like that, and discovered that what I feared would happen “if people knew” was not nearly as bad as I had imagined. And after that, no one could hold it over me, or threaten “to tell” . . . because I already had!

I know what you mean about missing the little things, I don’t know if it will ever go away. But don’t ever think you aren’t still loved! From where ever he is (insert personal beliefs) he still loves you! There are times I have felt my husband’s love as palpably as if he were in the room. Not always, and not every time I want to, but I can remind myself that it is real and then I can go on, for just another day.

J-in-Wales said...

"but most of all, i just miss being loved"
Those words brought the tears. Loving and being loved. That's what it is all about really. And that's the loss that is hardest to bear.

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