how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

terrible, awful, horrible, really bad day

i woke up feeling out of sync. at first i wasn't sure where i was. i didn't hear the ocean. no gulls were annoyingly loud. and i was very much aware that i was alone.

he's dead. it hit me like what i would think a sock of quarters in the chest would feel like. the pain was sharp and then the ache settled in.

i got up and instantly started crying. walked the dogs, ate a bowl of cereal, then started in to work. i quilted for a while, then took a break and moved to piecing another quilt, took another break and embroidered for a while on my daughter's stuff for her wedding. back to the quilting. and through it all i would suddenly be overwhelmed with deep sobs.

and now it's night and that feeling is still here. he's dead and he's not coming back. it's not the alone thing. i can do that. it's the being without him that's whittling away at my will. i'm not strong. i never was strong like the in your face, confrontational strong. i work the mind.

i grew up with a mother who wasn't thrilled i was her daughter. long story. my ex wasn't someone i could confront. i had to play chess. i had to manipulate based on the mood he was in. so i'm strong when i have someone to work with. counter his moves. save my children. get myself set up as the target and then work with that.

but all i'm facing is grief. i'm alone with it day in and day out. my beautiful girl, my wonderful daughter. i did call her today crying, telling her i didn't save him. i worked on him but i couldn't save him. i was so afraid i'd done it wrong. there was a pulse when the EMT's loaded him in the back of their bus but hospital had him all of 10 minutes before they gave up. he was gone.

bless her heart. she told me that i'd done all i could, that the professionals had done all they could but it was not meant to be. she told me that our Marine wouldn't want to know that i was beating myself up this way. and she's write. he'd always wanted me to fly.

i was so beaten down by my life from before. all he'd wanted was for me to smile, laugh, talk out loud. i could go a whole day with minimal conversation. i learned not to be a chatty woman in front of men. but he loved me, worked with me, teased me, charmed me. he made it okay to come out of my shell and be myself. the more i relaxed, the more he smiled. he loved me so much. and i love him.

he used to say to me that every day we woke up, i was freer than the day before. he knew i had it in me to fly. he would walk with me on the beach, we'd climb rocks, walk Dogtown in Gloucester, or the Dog Bar out in the harbor. i'd take photographs, so many photos. he'd be in a lot of them, and he'd smile. he knew how handsome i thought he was. he loved it that i would sneak photos of him. that i would attempt to be sneaky meant i had confidence in myself. he would get cocky and say it was because of him. and it was. it was all because of his love and approval.

he wanted so much for me to fly.

i'm not strong anymore. and i don't feel like flying. i don't think i can. he's gone and he was the only one i would have flown for. he would have showed me how. he would have been up there with me.

i had to tell someone about this day. just had to put it out there. i had a really bad day. i miss him as much today as i did that moment when i was escorted into the room in the ER where they had laid him for me to go see. the pain is that intense. the heartbreak is that severe.

i miss him so much. God, i miss him so much. please take care of him. let him be alright. please let him know how much i adore him, how present he is in my heart. but don't let him know how destroyed i am that he's with you and not with me. and don't take it personally. it's just that he meant everything to me. everything.


Widow in the Middle said...

Your words are a beautiful tribute to the man you loved and a testimony to the great love you shared.

I wish there were words of wisdom I could pass on to you to help relieve some of the pain you are now feeling. But I know that is not the answer, nor would my words be at all adequate.

I do believe that our loved ones do not want us to relentlessly suffer and anguish over them. They want us to feel happy and alive by remembering all of the wonderful memories we have.

I wish you less grief in the days ahead and I know your husband still feels your love and devotion to him.

My thoughts are with you during this trying time.

J-in-Wales said...

I am so, so sorry for the pain you are going through right now. I can't do anything tangible to help your pain, but believe me I will be here - as will all the others who read your beautiful words of love and sorrow - to walk with you in your journey through it until you feel you are ready to fly again.

womanNshadows said...

Widow in the Middle, J-in-Wales, thank you both so much. it has been a particularly hard two weeks. haven't been able to stop crying and it's wearing me down quite a bit.

but knowing that you are out there, are surviving this somehow just as i am trying to, is a light in the dark to walk towards. thank you both for your words of comfort and kindness.

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