this has been building in me for a couple of weeks, something that i feel i have to address. i read only a few blogs, faithfully, and leave comments when i feel i might be able to say something worthwhile, usually in the way of validation. i feel we write here in hopes of connecting with someone. i don't think we need life coaching. no one can and should direct our lives. we gain insights to others who feel, or have felt similar, to see that benchmark for where we are.
i have been told to never say never. i have been instructed that i should be getting better. all this is sound advice that comes from people who know what works for them and is very well meant. i understand that at the beginning of grief, people say never say never because life happens and may gift them with a new love. lovely. such a wonderful second chance.
but my Dragon was my second chance.
i have been told that i am flat out wrong to grieve at all. not going to say who from, it came through as a private email. it was harsh, direct, and very self-serving of a life plan that works for this particular woman. she loved her husband. he got sick. he died. people need to move on quickly or they are only wallowing for their own benefit.
i felt a little sorry for her, that she felt such contempt for me. the catalyst for her vehemence was due to my "Dragon and the womanNshadows" missive of a couple of weeks back. she felt i had, in her words, "over calculated your affection for him. no one should mean that much." oddly her words didn't wound. i know what i had in him. still have.
i deleted the email without responding. all she knows of me is that i am womanNshadows. all she knows is that her words passed by me without comment. but then i thought i would and add the photo above.
i read the handful of people's writings here and i feel the hurt, frustration, and sadness that can overwhelm. i feel it deeply myself.
i spoke on the phone to Suddenwidow and told her a secret. besides the urn for my Dragon and myself, i purchased something else from that company, something i didn't know was available but wanted immediately when i saw it. as is obvious, my Dragon was cremated. i have his ashes waiting for mine to join his to be given to the sea. i also bought the tiny cobalt blue glass pendant and put barely a teaspoon of his ashes inside. i sealed the top and it is ready for me to wear when i go out if i so choose. i chose the one i did because he meant the moon and stars to me. i'm wearing it under my dress to my daughter's wedding. she knows. she approves. she wants it when i pass. he was her Dragon, too.
without going into detail, she needed him before i married him, called him, and he came. my Dragon became her Dragon by protecting her until i could get there. her father had stopped by and was angry. she was scared and needed help. she loves him and calls him "Dad."
i also bought myself an anniversary ring from a company called "wedding vow rings." i had his vows to me, the Shakespeare quote, engraved on it. instead of moving my wedding rings to my right hand, i am keeping them where he put them. and i've added the silver ring i bought for myself to wear on my right hand.
to the never say nevers? sorry. i'm not there. to the tough love people who think i'm wallowing because of the pendant? i'm working on the Memory Quilts for others, taking in their stories and using those as inspiration for the quilts i make them so that they are unique. i feel, i think maybe, i tell myself i am giving them back something tangible, soft comfort, and memories for the children who love their dads, moms, sisters, and brothers.
i'm living. i'm getting up each morning. i'm working. i simply still love my Dragon. if i say never, i know i will get mail and/or comments. i will be told i'm making a generalized statement far too soon. but i have to throw on the table this one thought. you don't know me, what my life was like before the Dragon, and what our lives were like together. you don't know what we have. there are people who don't ever remarry and are considered living their lives. if i am one of those, i am no less a functioning human being than those who are gifted with another love.
let me be. offer solace. tell me you understand the sadness that has come to my life. but please do not tell me everything you know i am doing wrong according to how you live your own life. i do not tell those who cry to suck it up. i do not expect others to grieve as i do. it is my life. no one else has to live it. but i do.
everyone's lives has so many variables that come into play. don't criticize when all you know are the words chosen to become public. in loving my Dragon and writing about him, it was never my intent to rile anyone. i do not reach out to others for advice, only commraderie, the knowledge that they know what i'm describing.
i hope all who grieve find peace. i hope all who find another love, have long lives together. i hope all who their lives with the love and memories of the one who died, find joy in those memories and the tears become fewer and further apart. i simply wish us all peace.