how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

there is no one to call

this photo is so much the usual for me and my Dragon. him further out, daring more that i ever would. me, the shadow, always taking his photo, always watching him, hanging back, in complete and total awe of his fearlessness and grace.

i'm having a bad day and there's no one to telephone. i've lost the phone number of one of the women here who gave it to me and i would hesitate to call since it would be so unexpected, so out of the blue.

i've called my daughter twice at work and cannot again. i can't do that to her and to her while at work. she can't come over to be with me and falling apart like this, i don't want her to hear when she can't do anything about it. she would feel trapped at work and worry about her mom. so, let's see, i'm not falling apart so much that i can't think outside my grief to her.

i'm going to be paid for some sewing i've done and i'm going to use a part of those funds for a beautiful urn i saw. i want him out of the black box the funeral home put him in and now i can afford to get him something nicer, something beautiful. maybe that's why i'm crying so hard this afternoon.

i'm also very tired. i've been working frantically to get a lot of sewing things done and out of the way. i now only have one more thing to finish before my daughter's wedding. but i now know who is coming with my ex-husband to my daughter's wedding - his current wife and his mother, my ex-mother-in-law. it was my daughter who told me. her own stomach is tied up in knots. but i told her and now i'm telling myself, "maybe she's mellowed."

Lord, i hope so otherwise, well, my daughter will be busy with being the bride and i'll be busy keeping everything running smoothly and being the photographer. i won't have time to get cornered by them. okay, so that's off the table.

but i miss him. our wedding anniversary was yesterday and last night was unexpectedly hard. i knew it would be. but it was a bit worse. my solitary existence was accentuated after it got dark and i closed the blinds. lonely. only television shows with laugh tracks to keep some sound in the apartment. and then shutting off the television after i put needle and thread down for the night. silence. no heavy tread locking the door. no wide shoulders preceding me down the short hallway. no give in the mattress other than my own weight. no snoring. no warmth. he is not here anymore.

this will be my life from now on, whatever it brings, i will be alone. i need to find a friend, someone who understands and on whom i can call for human contact. someone who's life is more like my own, with children grown and time on her hands so to speak. someone who knows what suffering is but wants to survive it just as much as i do. a friend. i simply wish i could find a friend like i hear about from the blogs here and in the widow's group i go to.

until then, i will dream of my life from before and work to create something good in this shredded life that i have now. right now i can only think of him. it hasn't been that long since i was with him and he smiled and held me. so i think only of him and if only for him, then i have a reason to make the best of things. for my children who's lives are only getting richer and happier, i will pick myself up and never let them see how bad bad can get with me. a smile for the wedding. a bright voice on the phone. i'll do this for them, for my Dragon. maybe someday it will be for myself.

but right now, i just want to get through this afternoon.


Widow in the Middle said...

You speak of a real and painful dilemma of widowhood - isolation. But even when you are surrounded by others (say, at a job or with family), you often end up feeling alone anyway because no one really understands your feelings. People are also so uncomfortable with grief that they want to change the subject or only talk about cheerful things. They end up not being really there for you even when they are physically present.

I have been battling feelings of isolation and being misunderstood for going on six years now. It is only since I've been connected into the blog community that I have felt some kinship and compassion. Our road is a lonely one that is for sure. People may think they can fathom our lives but truly the only ones who can are those who are walking in our shoes along with us.

I am so glad you are getting a special container for your husband. That was very important for me when my Mom died and I have a lovely box and an urn - they are not inexpensive, I know. I also got a silver butterfly pendant to wear, which contains some of her ashes.

You are getting through the days and nights as best you can. The upcoming wedding is stressful in and of itself - there is so much on your plate. Everyone always thinks that the grieving sleep too much but for me it was the opposite - I couldn't sleep and tossed and turned the first six months. Your tiredness is not helping and I so wish for you a calm, restful night. Sometimes that alone is a lifesaver - to wake up a bit more rested and clearer of mind.

You will find a friend in your community and you will make online friends. Right now just concentrate on nurturing yourself as best you can so you can get through the afternoon. You will continue to survive and you will get through this.

Ann said...

Send me an email, I will send you my number! Call me anytime!

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