how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

dreams


i've always dreamed big. the reality is that i'm a cautious person, learned behavior rather than my nature. but the Dragon had taught me that with him i could go anywhere. he would keep me safe. he would let me be who i was meant to be and do whatever i wanted. what i wanted was to go to two places. Tintagel Castle and the Isle of Skye.

i've always liked ancient places. there's an enduring spirit that is almost sentient and can give reserved people like me strength by simply breathing the air.

i found the photos above on a google search. the first is Tintagel and the second is the Old Man of Storr on Skye Island. the Dragon shared my love and fascination and had promised we'd go. i've been so down lately, for the last 8 + months, just since his death, so i thought i'd post something pretty. a dream of mine. something i am crossing my fingers and hoping someday i get to do. it's not a realistic dream in my current situation but we have to have dreams. it's what kept my Dragon going during his long years as a Marine and he was having, in the venacular of the Corps, a "bad day." to keep himself going, he said he imagined beautiful, lonely places where he could breathe and quiet himself.

Tintagel and the Isle of Skye represent two of these places. Austere beauty that will seep into my soul and, in a ephemeral way, bring me closer to my Dragon. i'll take my own photos and pretend he is behind me, beside me, and then i'll imagine that when he isn't looking, i'll take his picture. i'll pretend so hard that i will see him. he'll really be there. i mean, it's Tintagel Castle, the birthplace of King Arthur. what better place to believe you can see a Dragon?

4 comments:

Boo said...

oh ... my house should be completed in around 12 months ... come and stay with me and we will go together xx

judemiller1 said...

Keep the dream alive. I have a dream that just recently I have realized will never come to be and that knowledge depresses me. BUT I am looking for another dream. I HAVE to have something to look forward to or it wouldn't be worth living. You keep that dream in your heart and your mind--we just never know what the future may bring to us and lots of times...those dreams do come true. Whether it is a Dragon or a Dream Husband.

Suddenwidow said...

I am so enchanted by your dreams! Austin loved the legend of King Arthur and read many books on the subject and time period. When we lived in northern B.C., where we met, there was a town named Tintagel on route when we drove south for the summer. At a roadside pullout there was a plaque and a large monument which contained a stone reportedly from Tintagel Castle. We had to stop there most times we drove by and I have some photos of the monument. When I read that your dream is to travel to Tintagel and the Isle of Sky I had to catch my breath. That would have been a dream vacation for Austin (especially if you added a side trip to Wales!). Maybe one day we'll get there, with your Dragon and my Knight watching over us.

twinmom said...

Those pictures are GORGEOUS. You have to go some day. And yes, there is no better place for a Dragon to appear!

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