how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Fall on the Neck

it's now Fall on the Neck where we used to live. pumpkins and black pansies, hay and mums will be everywhere. the Neck was my favorite place to walk. it's a collection of old fishermen shacks that have been restored into shops and apartments over the shops. it sticks out into the harbor as a wind break. they started dragging stones and sand and dirt from the quarry to build it starting back in the 1700's. now it's a major tourist attraction.

i love the Neck because these old buildings have a life of their own and the people who live out there embrace the changing of the seasons.

Winter is dangerously cold with that frigid wind that comes either out of the Northwest from Canada - Alberta Clippers, or off the North Atlantic in the form of a N'oreaster. Heavy snows that blow and swirl and hide the world. It's so beautiful because it's so private. Everyone is home by the wood stove and, as with the Dragon and myself, it's a time to snuggle and speak in low sweet tones to each other.
Spring is a time to brave the still biting air and brush snow off the crocuses. A sudden snow squall may drop four or five inches but it's nothing to get upset about because it's Spring and we have heavy sweaters that have bright colors.

Summer is a hurry up and relax time. Tourists everywhere. Work hard and fast to catch their dollars for they all go home after Labor Day weekend. The weather turns and summer closes down. It's like a blanket gets pulled over the sun and, though it shines just as bright, it's not quite as warm.

Fall. It hits early and hard. Like it did last year when my Dragon was still alive. Like it's doing this year, according to my little desktop weather report.

I'm not doing well. I got checked and I lost a bit more of my hearing and I'm getting scared. I've lost more of my ability to find sound. I can hear it sort of but I can't place what direction it's coming from. the Dragon was learning sign so he could help me in those situations where i get confused. he was there to speak to me in my ear. he ran interference for me. i was in a safe place no matter where i was because i was with him.

but my ear aches a bit and will off and on now upon occasion. the tinnitus is always there now but the decibels rise and fall. did i mention that i'm scared? i get apprehensive if i go out. i got an amplifier for the phone and it helps with loudness but not clarity.

i wish he were here. i wish i could go sit with him and hug him and hear him say, "it's going to be okay, love." i want to laugh as he shows off that he's already learned all the "dirty" signs.

it's October and it doesn't feel like October here. but it does on the Neck. it's just the Dragon and i are no longer there anymore.


Boo said...

I'm sorry my friend ... whenever we are feeling sick, or health issues worsen, the world becomes even more frightening to us. I learned sign language for: sit, stay, ball, treat, dinner, lay down, good boy, come here - to use with my deaf dog. Strangely enough, he understands all the food related signs and good boy, but struggles with the rest of it .... so I flick the patio light on and off twice so he knows to come back in from the bottom of the garden!

Are you taking any treatment? Can you treat tinnitus? Is it operable, or meds? I know nothing about the condition - but have had recurring severe ear infections, so know that you will be unsteady with your balance, feel nauseous, you will feel isolated from people because you get embarrassed and tired of saying, "Pardon?" and in the end you just communicate less and less. The pain is dreadful, comparable to toothache - really acute and piercing.

LOL, Cliff would have prioritized the dirty words too :-)

I wish we didn't have to overcome other stuff as well as living with our grief. It's unreasonable to be expected to do so, in my opinion.

I hope that you can get help? Keep us posted xxxx

Suddenwidow said...

I'm so sorry that you aren't enjoying fall on The Neck with your Dragon. Your description really describes what a beautiful and peaceful place it is and I can imagine how wonderful life was with your Dragon there. My heart aches for you... Please keep us posted on your hearing and if there is anything we can do. You're always in my thoughts and prayers.

Widow in the Middle said...

Boo has put it really well when she says that it is so unreasonable/unfair to expect us to deal with other challenges besides our grief. The grief in itself is more than enough. It doesn't seem possible to have to overcome other tragedies. And then to have to do so when we are alone and already beaten down because of our sorrow...

You have lost your safety net and protector. To be adrift in a raging sea without that anchor must be unbearable. I am terribly sorry you are facing the hearing complications on your own. I would be frightened out of my mind and to have to have those fears and face them on one's own must be intolerable.

I will pray for your physical relief and for continued strength and courage to be restored to you.

I think that the other aspect of your post that strikes me is your recollection of the Neck. And how you visualize it now as it was last year in its fall beauty. It is crazy to realize how certain aspects of life go on and are the same when our worlds have collapsed!

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