to respond to some questions about the ex: i have no recourse through court to speed him up as this has been in place for so long now. he does pay and i am not late with my bills but he pays to his own schedule. he plays loose with the timing and it is my ill fortune to have not planned my meals better in or checked the bottle of Aleve in and around getting minutes for my cell phone and an iron to press the cuttings for the quilts. the thumb splint is a new thing i need that will become available to me when i finish the quilt on the table. as for social services, i do not qualify. i get these funds from him and i am working on making a go of my art. there are women worse off than i and funds for this are very limited as it is. it's a tough financial world out there for everyone. the woman squeezed my hand and said that it was unethical and immoral but not illegal. i am sort of stuck. if it gets too bad, i will break down and ask my son for help as i was forced to do immediately after my daughter's wedding. but this is a last resort. i write here to get the poison out. i write to cleanse my heavy heart. it is a way to call out from this little hole to let the world know i am here. we all want to be seen in some way, i think; to have our existence acknowledged. this is my way. my life is very small and i like that. i just wish i had a little bit more money to squeak by. but don't we all.
i have been living below the poverty line for quite some time so this tired road is all too familiar. the Dragon took me and my children on knowing the debt my divorce had left me in. we took care of my children first and they are now trying to help me as best they can. emotionally they are both very much there. they are adults you all would be proud to know. my anguish is more acute and my fear much greater since the death of my Dragon. before i had his arms to turn to. before i had his strength to draw from. and i had his words whispered in my ear. he always said, "i won't let anything happen to you. i will always be here for you." after a fashion that has become my new mantra. if anything truly bad happens to me, he will be waiting there for me. if i am given the task of continuing on in this life for a while longer, he is still with me. his voice is in my head. the knowledge of his love is in my heart. and his smile is everywhere i look as i have photographs of him up all over my little apartment. (it looks like a Dragon museum.) i talk to him all the time. i tell myself every morning and every night that he is waiting for me, that he is with me as i ask God to be with me. you know, that "Footsteps on the Beach" prose. "why one set of footprints?" "that was when i carried you."
maybe God is carrying me, or at least has me slung over his shoulder and that's why the ride is still a little bit bumpy. and the Dragon, when i close my eyes i can almost feel his arms around me. i swear i can hear his voice in my ear. and my heart tells me that he still loves me.
i will endure. i am humbled and enriched by all the comments to that previous posting and to the emails i got. sometimes strangers can be the angels we need to help us get up off our knees. it's the knowledge that some do care enough to reach out in the dark to try and find someone who has fallen along the road. a hero is defined as someone who can hang on one second longer. i'll never be a hero like the Dragon is, but i can hang on for one second. and another second. no long range plans. just second by second. it will add up.
thank you all. i am blessed at the realization that you are all out there. i have no other words to say other than i am humbled. tonight i am going to thank Him for the gift compassion and empathy from strangers. thank you all for your thoughts and concerns. i will get by. i did before i ever knew the Dragon. i did so and better because of the Dragon. and now, i will do what i can to get by in memory of him. as i wrote before. i am his wife and i want him to be proud of me.