how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, October 19, 2009

in response to the responses

to everyone, i am overwhelmed with all your kind words of support. it humbled me.

to respond to some questions about the ex: i have no recourse through court to speed him up as this has been in place for so long now. he does pay and i am not late with my bills but he pays to his own schedule. he plays loose with the timing and it is my ill fortune to have not planned my meals better in or checked the bottle of Aleve in and around getting minutes for my cell phone and an iron to press the cuttings for the quilts. the thumb splint is a new thing i need that will become available to me when i finish the quilt on the table. as for social services, i do not qualify. i get these funds from him and i am working on making a go of my art. there are women worse off than i and funds for this are very limited as it is. it's a tough financial world out there for everyone. the woman squeezed my hand and said that it was unethical and immoral but not illegal. i am sort of stuck. if it gets too bad, i will break down and ask my son for help as i was forced to do immediately after my daughter's wedding. but this is a last resort. i write here to get the poison out. i write to cleanse my heavy heart. it is a way to call out from this little hole to let the world know i am here. we all want to be seen in some way, i think; to have our existence acknowledged. this is my way. my life is very small and i like that. i just wish i had a little bit more money to squeak by. but don't we all.

i have been living below the poverty line for quite some time so this tired road is all too familiar. the Dragon took me and my children on knowing the debt my divorce had left me in. we took care of my children first and they are now trying to help me as best they can. emotionally they are both very much there. they are adults you all would be proud to know. my anguish is more acute and my fear much greater since the death of my Dragon. before i had his arms to turn to. before i had his strength to draw from. and i had his words whispered in my ear. he always said, "i won't let anything happen to you. i will always be here for you." after a fashion that has become my new mantra. if anything truly bad happens to me, he will be waiting there for me. if i am given the task of continuing on in this life for a while longer, he is still with me. his voice is in my head. the knowledge of his love is in my heart. and his smile is everywhere i look as i have photographs of him up all over my little apartment. (it looks like a Dragon museum.) i talk to him all the time. i tell myself every morning and every night that he is waiting for me, that he is with me as i ask God to be with me. you know, that "Footsteps on the Beach" prose. "why one set of footprints?" "that was when i carried you."

maybe God is carrying me, or at least has me slung over his shoulder and that's why the ride is still a little bit bumpy. and the Dragon, when i close my eyes i can almost feel his arms around me. i swear i can hear his voice in my ear. and my heart tells me that he still loves me.

i will endure. i am humbled and enriched by all the comments to that previous posting and to the emails i got. sometimes strangers can be the angels we need to help us get up off our knees. it's the knowledge that some do care enough to reach out in the dark to try and find someone who has fallen along the road. a hero is defined as someone who can hang on one second longer. i'll never be a hero like the Dragon is, but i can hang on for one second. and another second. no long range plans. just second by second. it will add up.

thank you all. i am blessed at the realization that you are all out there. i have no other words to say other than i am humbled. tonight i am going to thank Him for the gift compassion and empathy from strangers. thank you all for your thoughts and concerns. i will get by. i did before i ever knew the Dragon. i did so and better because of the Dragon. and now, i will do what i can to get by in memory of him. as i wrote before. i am his wife and i want him to be proud of me.

4 comments:

bokallolie said...

you, plain and simple; amidst our pain and heavy darkness, inspire me. your Dragon loves you so much, your words, your pain is an expression of love. enduring love. a dear widow friend once asked me, "what wouldnt you bear for warren (my love,) what couldnt you do for him?" my answer was "nothing." i would do anything, everything, knowing he was at the end.

lots of love.
x

Boo said...

I reckon I went into a jet-lag fuelled frenzy of outrage directed at your ex specifically. Thank you for responding to the responses because in doing so (and typical of you without even trying it seems to come so naturally to you to ensure that everyone is comforted even when the focus should remain on your pain, at the end of the day this is your sacred space - your blog - where you can safely write how you feel, and vent if you feel the need (god knows I do and often) yet I am relieved to hear that you have found some degree of comfort in our comments, and this in turn gives me comfort, in your own true unique style. You are one amazing woman - and for me you really do epitomize a truly caring and loving, loveable person who has her priorities in order (without the need to analyze or apply any thought in doing so), with a unique insight and empathy that is so remarkably recognizable as your own "signature" and your quiet understated show of strength and the beauty that comes from your heart and soul - the way you naturally seek to help and comfort those through your own sometimes unbearable pain, You are special and I love you for being you. I wish I could show the bright light that emanates from the essence that is you TO YOU, but your eyes will not accept the light that is uniquely yours - by that I mean you would not validate it as your own, because it goes against your own inimitable style. Unassuming yet quietly resolved strength. No wonder your Dragon recognized his soulmate to easily - you must have been the answer to his ddemons ... simply being with you must have given him balm for his own nightmares and inner turmoil, your own brand made specifically for him, like an antidote for the soul.

judemiller1 said...

You are truly an amazing woman.

Widow in the Middle said...

We are all gaining from your story, words, strength and journey. Your forward steps (and even those just pacing in the same place) pave the way for those of us beside you and those still to follow. Thank you for sharing and your courage to post your reality.

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