how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

falling down

i woke up at 4 AM with a panic attack that has yet to subside. terrible things are floating like wreckage in my mind causing my heart to beat too shallow and too fast. i'm lightheaded and so very teary. my eyes burn and my whole body aches. i am falling down in my mind and i cannot get back up.

it is all riding on one question. what am i still doing here?

i stupidly look to my past and judge myself and fall short. i wasn't the girl my mother wanted. i wasn't the boy my father wanted. i wanted to be loved but my first husband did not. my children love me but they are grown with their own lives. my son works two jobs, 9 AM to 1 AM. he is exhausted. my daughter works 9 AM until 7 PM six days a week and uses her one day off to take me food shopping and to simply see me so that i have one day a week actually seeing someone. she hugs me and we kiss each other good-bye. that is my only contact. that is my only touch.

i am alone as much as one can be and not be cloistered in a monastery or convent in a remote place. alone with my thoughts i worry. i worry so much it is affecting me physically. what if my ex cuts me off? what if he dies? what if i never get my things back out of storage? what if i never get another commission?

the Hope Matters newsletter came out yesterday and i am featured in it, my website, the quilts i make. i had two emails. one woman wants one quilt for her son. she is needing to wait until September or October to do it, but she definitely wants one. another woman wants 3 for her 3 children. i gave her my price and explained it all, but i have not heard back from her. she may not have even checked her email yet, but at 4 AM i got up and undercut myself in pricing. i emailed her that since she wanted 3, i would drop my price and hope it helped with her decision. as it stands, if she does order the quilts, i'll make about 22 - 35 cents an hour. but it will be money.

one widow knows she wants one but is waiting when she feels more like making the choices of her husband's clothes. i can understand that. she's sending them to a stranger, more or less. i have the luxury of being the artist and can make my own quilts. but i need commissions. if i could just get the woman who wants 3 quilts, i think my panic attack would ease. if i could just get a small little queue to form, then i would know my year is full of sewing, and bits of money here and there.

and i would appear to the world as a valuable asset. well, at least one who works very hard and provides a nice service for people who grieve. or have babies who have out grown their clothes and want a quilt from then. or have daughters who like beading and embroidery on their jeans.

i just want to feel like i did when my Dragon was alive. i want to feel needed. i want to feel like my being here is acceptable. because that's where i am this morning. i'm wondering why i'm here. alone like this day after day after week after month.

he made me feel so alive and welcome in this world. he noticed me and forgave my being here. it's a story to be told while laying on a couch to a man with suede patches on his sweater and a little notebook in his lap. i've been made to feel that i need to constantly justify why i was born. my Dragon just saw a woman who wanted love and had so much to give. i have so many ideas in my mind, things to create, all these different mediums to make beautiful things to give people pleasure, to make them think, to calm their spirits.

i'm rushing this. it will evolve. people will find out about me. right? maybe at Camp Widow, people will see me. they will see what i can do for them. i hope. i'm still here for some reason. right?

i had hoped in writing this all out under the quazi-anonymity of this blog, i would start to feel better. at least reason my life situation out. not yet. maybe later this afternoon. i'll work this morning. i'll eat my brunchy-lunch thing. i have a little hamburger patty left over. i was so hungry last night that i ate two. but i have one left for today and chicken for tonight. so i'll sew and sew. then i'll eat a hamburger. then i think i'll be ready for a "snap." a short nap. and i hope i don't dream about my worthless life. i hope i dream about a life that can be looked on and some semblance of value is obvious.

i just wish i could look at the mirror that was my Dragon's eyes. he always saw my worth. he always wanted me around. he'd find me on the beach and say, "hello, love. you've been gone for a while. i wanted to see what you were up to. want to go climb out on the rocks? i'll help you get out there."

i guess i need to pray for myself a little. i need to beg for forgiveness that i cannot see my own worth without my Dragon being here. i need to ask for strength to keep on being alone. and if He can see His way clear, to send some commissions my way so i can help people with their grief while putting some food on my little table.

thank you for listening. it's just something i'm going through right now. i'm just very tired and worried.


AVM said...

You don't know me from Adam and Eve, but I read your blog. Each week, I say a prayer for you. . .that the spring will be better. That the grief will lift just a little so that you can live the life your husband wants you to live. I pray that your depression eases. Not a small feat, but I have seen it happen time and again, and I pray it will happen for you.

I want to tell you that you are worth something. You are an asset in this world. On a simple level, think about the quilts you have made. My nephew was killed in an accident almost 2 years ago now. He was my daughter's godfather. We had a quilt made of their clothes together and it hangs in her room. It's something that we look at together to tell my daughter about this amazing man she will never know in person. It keeps him alive for us - and that's what your quilts do for people. You are helping people cope with grief - the same grief that you're having a tough time coping with. That is worth something - worth a lot.

Your children love you, you are worth something, I promise you, to them. You just never know where life will take you, friend. What you feel today isn't what you will always feel. Hang on and hang in. You are worth something to us.

Suddenwidow said...

Praying for you always, but especially today. I pray your panic attack eases and your worries lift a bit so you can get some sleep.

Love Deb

judemiller1 said...

You certainly are needed and an asset to this world. What would I do if I didn't have your blog to eagerly go to each day to see if you have updated and the feelings you are feeling. Stand strong--this panic attack will pass--remember...they always do. They are so scary while you are in one...I know. Don't forget to breathe--if the sun comes out, get outside if only for a moment and breathe. AND KNOW--you are so important to many people that you don't even know. I think of you and pray for you everyday.

Love you, Judy

womanNshadows said...

AVM, Deb, Jude, thank you all for writing to me. i think we all have our days when we simply fall to our knees and cannot see anything in front of us. tears, worries, sadness keep us from seeing anything. i read once that the worst sin of all is losing hope. i haven't lost hope. i just fell down. thank you all for sitting with me while i pick myself back up. you all live in my heart.

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