how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, March 1, 2010

alone on my island ~ a poem to comfort me

if i am to be this much alone, let me be alone by the sea

where all the silent nothing i have can be comforting to me

if i am to live a quiet life, let it be on rock and beach

so sun and cloud and wind and stars all seem within my reach.

if my home is surrounded with ocean and sky then i could stand to live alone

so i can feel a part of the earth with sun-warmed skin and hair wind blown.

let me live alone on my island where my home is the only one that stands

on land of rock and scrub and gulls and waves crashing up on the sand.

the lighthouse can be my sole guardian to keep all the bad dreams at bay

it’s light can caress my home at night and brighten the days that turn gray.

my island will stand against the wildest of waves that roar in wild from the sea

the majesty of which inspires awe and belief that my love can return to me.

let my Dragon fly in on the wild night wind and come to my arms like before

and we’ll love as we loved before death took him and left me alone on the shore.

alone in a city is no way to live so let me return to my island small

and there i can live alone where i have all of nature that enthralls.

only on my island can i be free from expectation and strife.

only on my island can i hope to have any kind of a life.


6 comments:

Suddenwidow said...

I love your poem. Do you think you should look into the possibility of moving back to the ocean? The sea can be a soothing place, but so can living near family. It is a difficult decision. I know, because I struggle with that decision too.

Wishing you peace. Love Deb

Widow in the Middle said...

I know how much you can miss a location. I resisted relocating twice now because of the love I have for this community I have resided in my entire life and cannot imagine having to deal with that loss on top of all the others. I feel for you and the longing you have for all that you left behind when you moved.

Dan, in real time. said...

This is a heavenly place you describe, with a peaceful state of mind. Your words are filled with consolation. It's so clear why you miss the sea.

Love. Dan

womanNshadows said...

to all, thank you. if i had the wherewithal, whenever that would be, no matter my age, i would move back to the ocean in a heartbeat. if i could ever afford it, i would also be more autonomous. i am used to my solitary existence so going to live by the ocean, even knowing i would be alone, would not be difficult. my children are adults and would come to me. i would choose an island, like Tybee in GA., in between the two of them. like Henry Beston, Rachel Carson, and Sylvia Earle, i can find solace at the ocean's edge.

judemiller1 said...

"My heart will always be in a cottage by the sea," is printed on my favorite coffee mug. I totally and completely understand your poem.

MistaiBlueWolf said...

I too lost , 11/21/2009 , grieve and believe that the soul of a love past, is more present than ever before. The ocean is a place of peace, amidst the deafening roar, we hear two hearts beating as one. Peace be your journey.

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