how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

my immortal beloved

my dearest heart, my love, my Dragon,

i love this picture of you. we were doing Habitat for Humanity and they took our photos for some brochure or something. i think it would have been better to have our photos taken after we were dusty. but i love your smile here, the tilt of your head. so handsome.

i'm just okay but okay is all i can be while we are apart. i miss you greatly and nothing is right. food does not carry the same flavor. the sun is not as warm. the mornings are awful to wake to because i find this is not a dream.

remember that song, "you are my sunshine?" the first verse that few ever sing plays out in my head.

late one night, dear, as i lay sleeping
i dreamed i held you in my arms
when i awoke found i was mistaken
and i hung my head and cried.

you are my immortal beloved. much like Beethoven loved and wrote to a woman no one knew the identity of, i carry a torch for you just as powerful. a little over a year out and the sorrow and aloneness i feel because you are not with me is still as strong as my first day left behind. it is more familiar though and the thought of that can weaken the remaining piece of my heart until i pant from lack of being able to breathe.

our son sent me a flowery bunny. Beach Bunny with Daisies he called her. he reads and looks at the pictures. his note said he sees me getting stronger. he loved my defense of you in the previous post. that mom, the one of strong words and titanium convictions is the one he grew up with. he called me his shield. but the shield is battered now and very old, or feels that way. so much damage has been done to it.

a shield. i think i will put that analogy to rest and take up Daisy Beach Bunny instead. she isn't as worn out. she may look like an aging hippie but she's lighter, softer, and she is covered in your daisies a day. i miss you singing that. "i'll give you a daisy a day, dear......" i hope when i die that is one of the first things i hear. your voice singing to me. waiting for me. reaching out to me to take my hand and guide me as you did before. at any rate, Daisy Beach Bunny is still blessed with the talent of using a needle. she is working on the fifth dragon handkerchief. psssst. a little hint. she wanted a full moon in the center.

this is an "i ache for you" day. i'll be this way all day, however, don't worry. it is a familiar agony. i am comfortable with it since i know it so well. i'll embroider and quilt and sew all day. there's a new television show coming on late tonight that i'll check out for us. it's based on one of your favorite Elmore Leonard characters. i just wish we were together to talk about it after.

ah, well, our little Scootie Wootums is dancing like Michael Flatley. i think it's time to go for a short walk. then back to the solace of sewing.

i love you, my Dragon. i will always be your wife. you will always be my beloved, only now you are immortal. please watch over me as i stand watch over your memory, your pedestal. (i had to say it that way because it pleases me to do so. i'm down. i'm being walked on. i haven't given up.)

i'll see you tonight, in my fantasies, my dreams, my prayers.


judemiller1 said...

What a wonderful son you have. I love the Daisy Beach Bunny, she is so colorful and smiling. Also love the picture of Dragon--I didn't know you two did Habitat for Humanity--what a nice thing to share. I hope you can get your breath back today. I hope the sun is shining on you. Don't forget to show us the completed Two Dragons and the Full Moon hanky when it is done.

Dan, in real time. said...

It was shocking to read the lyrics to the song, You are my Sunshine... I hadn't really thought of how much pain is evoked in those words. It is such a long, long road we are on. I too find that life has become less flavorful, less intense, less fulfilling. It makes me think of the phrase "the walking dead." It is usually meant to conjure up thought of scary half dead-half life zombies. Yet these days I thing of it more of an action phrase, meaning we are walking around with our deceased spouses. They are still very much a part of us, and as we go along with our day, we walk more in their speed, so our pacing is very slow. Very slow.

I suppose the other way of looking at this is how you conclude your message to Dragon. You will always be his companion. I will always be Michael's companion.

那ㄟ安呢 said...

I love readding, and thanks for your artical. ........................................

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