how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

11 August 2010 ~ wedding anniversary

my eyes pour out their sorrow
while my mind smiles
and embraces our memories.
if i keep my eyes closed forever
i'll be able to hold you close
through the darkest days.
i cry out to the night,
and to the morning,
"i need you,
i love you,
come back to me."
but my words fall back
on me like the heaviest snow
on the most brutal winter day
and i fall back onto the bed with
eyes half closed and arms stretched out
to accept the staggering pain of the loss of you.
this day keeps coming back to my mind. there was a brutal wind and gold sunshine before the coming storm. i kept taking my gloves off to use the camera. and i got cold.
i keep hearing your voice, remembering all the words of love and concern from that day
here on the eve of our wedding anniversary.

"oh, baby, don't lay down. oh, my love, stand up."
"no, honey, you're not too warm, you're actually very cold."
"i'll get you home. i'll get you warm."
"don't cry, baby. it's not your fault."
"stay awake for me. look at me, baby. that's it. keep looking at me."
"i'm sorry but the water needs to be warm. oh, love, i know it hurts."
"no, your fingers look fine. they do. i promise."
"these are my sweats. they're heavier, much thicker and warm."
'lean on me. let me put these socks on for you. i just got them out of the dryer."
"here, drink this. yeah, i know. i put whiskey in it, but it'll help warm you up."
"you're looking better. how's my Beach Bunny? you feelin' alright?"
and the one that haunts me so tonight as it did last night

"i don't know what i'd do if i lost you. you're my very soul."

happy anniversary, Dragon, my love, my very soul.
i miss you & i love you.
you are the voice inside my head that keeps me together.
even knowing i'd be sitting here tonight as i am,
deeply in love with you,
deeply in mourning,
i'd do it all over again.
i'd say, "i do."

8 comments:

megan said...

Wishing for you that he delivers a great, clear message for you on this day.

xo

Anonymous said...

Wishing you peace and sweet memories to carry you through...

Suddenwidow said...

Thinking of you and sending you another hug across the miles. I found our anniversary last year to be the hardest day because it was a day that was just special to the two of us. A day honouring marriage and love is so very difficult to spend without them. I pray you find some comfort in your memories and just as Megan wished, I also wish you get a sign from your Dragon tomorrow.

Wishing you peace,
Deb

Dan, in real time. said...

Beautiful words of love. I will light a candle in honor of your anniversary.

judemiller1 said...

Your words make me weep. Such a wondrous love you had. Thinking of you all day.

womanNshadows said...

thank you all. i'm settling in tonight with a candle lit and a nice hot dinner. i've been working on my own pillowcase today while waiting on a new commission to be mailed to me. yea, me. all your word of support and comfort will be in my mind as the darkness falls and once again, i go to bed without him.

megan said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdjRmM0Q0qs&feature=related

Hope that link works.

womanNshadows said...

i got there, Megan. thank you so very much.

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