how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, August 23, 2010

23 August 2010 ~ full moon

i can close my eyes and see him. i can see him as he walks towards me, that stride of his that ate up the ground.

i can close my eyes and smell his skin. it smelled a little bit of sweat and salt and cool outside air.

it doesn't take much to call up the memories, especially on the night of a full moon.

i can hear his voice, his laugh that was so big and booming, the one that came out of him spontaneously whenever i did something that was a little off the wall. i can also hear his low tones when he and i would just sit and talk, and talk, in the dark, long after we had turned the lights out.

i can close my eyes and taste his lips, feel his soft beard, and his breath. he favored slow kisses. he said when he met me he had become a connoisseur.

i vividly remember what it feels like to hold hands with him, and i can feel the pressure of his arm when it draped across my shoulders. he and i thrived on physical contact. right now, i am starved for it, for his touch. i had turned into a connoisseur of him.

every night when i go to bed and turn off the light, i roll to my side and i almost believe i will see the outline of his shoulders. i think i will be able to turn into him and rest my hand on his chest, over his heart, like i did every night. almost. i almost believe it. if i close my eyes so i an deny where i live now, i definitely can.

i don't really have to close my eyes for my senses to see, feel, hear, taste, or smell him, but i admit it helps to shut out the sight of this place he never lived in.

hello, Moon.
can you see him?
do you even remember him?
i do.
every time you come back
to turn the fullness of your face
on cold me
in this hollow world
i pretend,
that you can pass along a message to him,
that you can tell him for me,
"i see her. she's looking for you. she loves you."
hello, Moon.
can he see me?


judemiller1 said...

The moon is so large that it can be shining on you and Dragon. You are both looking at the same moon.
What a wondrous love the two of you had. I am so glad, after what you'd been through you had that love. I am so sad that physically he can't be by your side--his heart under the palm of your hand. A love that grand will live on in the air around you and the spirit of your life and always in the face of the full moon.

Dan, in real time. said...

What a beautiful description of an intimacy so sweet and loving. This really stirred in me that craving that I mostly try to ignore. I do allow myself to reach out as well every night. I cannot get comfortable, or allow myself to fall asleep, without reaching out to him. I tell myself that this is crazy making, but then do it again. Michael as also never in this house, but he was in my bed, his head laid on those pillows, and his skin touched my skin. Here I go, down that vulnerable path.

I just took a moment to look out at the full moon. I have a great view of it from my room, and it is shining brightly above me as I write. It will always remind me of you and your Dragon.

Be at peace.


Suddenwidow said...

Your post made me cry. As you described each intimate moment with your Dragon, I revisited each of those moments with my love. I try not to immerse myself in these moments unless I need to relieve my grief pressure valve, But tonight I allowed myself to hear, smell, taste, touch and see him before me, and I immersed myself in those memories. And my grief pressure valve was released, in a big way. I then went out to look at the moon and think of you and your Dragon. The last time I saw the full moon was through the porthole of my sailboat. I wish I was still there being bathed by the glow of the moon. I guess I'm feeling a little negative this morning. Getting back to our new reality and back to school is hard.

But the sun is out, my boys are smiling and it's time to get my butt in gear. Peace today, for all of us.

megan said...


(um, okay, "word" is exceptionally dorky, but I'm using it anyway.)

I was caught by a neil young song this morning, not the one matt sang + played that last morning, but still, and I can see him, all the details of him. So easy to climb back into bed and reach for him. I used to say how, no matter where we were, we were always looking at the same moon. Now I am crying again, too.

Peace for all of us.

Boo said...

I too looked at the bright full moon last night and thought of you and your Dragon.

I too read this post and cried because it made me admit to myself that I too lay in bed and look at that space in the dark ... and can almost conjure him up, you know?

Love to you today my friend xxx

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