how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

falling down

i hesitate to write and yet i owe the apology and explanation. i fell down; inside myself. i am in the midst of a deep physical and emotional crisis. i am facing too much stress right now and i fell down in the dirt. i shattered online, in public, and for that there is no excuse. whatever other crisis i have going on; personal, health wise; pleading for forgiveness when i was being told to re-read and listen was wrong of me and i apologize.

i have physical and emotional pain. this is above and beyond missing him. what was thought to be arthritis in my foot is not and the pain is quite bad. i do not wish to be thought needy or insane, but i cannot detail what happened other than there are other things weighing on my mind and i took everything that was written to heart. i was wrong.

i would like to continue here without fear of humiliation, but i promise to keep my grief writing to myself. i think i will simply put up some photos of all the commission work i have going on with very little actual writing; to just have some kind of touch with the world at large. i have no self-worth, but i do like what i have been asked to make. being able to make things for people does give me a trumped up reason to think there is a purpose for me still.

i looked at the online Grief Healing site but it is public. the things i need to talk to someone about go beyond putting it online. i am having flashbacks due to a current and rising situation with Voldemort. things from my past are making me blind to hope. i am sorry, but yes, his voice is inside my head since he has recently been in touch and i have to pay attention since it has not been nice.

but once again, i have no excuse for falling down like that publicly. it will not happen again.


Anonymous said...

I've commented a couple of times under anonymous, and I surely don't know if I should comment here...I want you to know that I have enjoyed reading your posts. The first one I ever read was "The Things I Learned From My Husband's Death". That rang so true to me, that I continued to read and this site is only a click away in my favorites. I like that you are so honest with your grief. I read some of the self help books on grieving and none have helped as much as your writings. Even though it is your own personal hell you write about, you are honest. It helps me to be honest with my feelings and not ashamed of feeling the way I do. I do feel bad that I rely too much on your posts and worry that somehow that's not fair to ask of you, someone I do not even know. You have no reason to apologize for anything at all...we all have a choice of whether we want to visit your site or not. I'm not going to speculate on why some comment the way they do, just want you to know that whatever your demons are, you are valued and please don't put yourself at risk trying to please us.

Dan, in real time. said...

I can't honestly say that I know all that you are referring to, but I don't think you should feel compelled to stop writing unless it is what you need for this part of your journey. This is for you, and for those that choose to read and retain that which rings true with their experience as well.

Take your time, and do what feels right. Remember you also have other avenues, such as writing people directly if that is what you want to do as well.

I remain here for you.


bev said...

Is the problem with your foot something that will heal or that can be fixed? Do you have health insurance so that you will be able to seek treatment?
I don't think you need fear any humiliation for writing whatever you like on your blog. Just go ahead and keep doing what you're doing. It's all fine - always has been, and always will be.

womanNshadows said...

Anonymous, thank you for what you said. writing here as i have been has been a release that would hurt very much to give up. i know the power the written word has over me. i never thought anything i wrote would help anyone else. for the most part, it is raw pain that comes out. i was brought up, and then further taught, that to be valued i had to be submissive. i had to watch closely to make sure i did not do anything that would cause anger. decades of this alters one's behavior. when my Dragon found me, he saw who i could have been and nurtured that part of me. i was almost out of the dark, but then he died. i've had pressures and criticisms from the one i call Voldemort lately and it is wearing me down hard and fast.

thank you for what you wrote. you have no idea how brightly the light of your words shine to me sitting here in the dark.

Dan, i'm simply falling apart. bad things happening. this is my space and i should grow thicker skin. thank you for writing to me. i know what season this is for you.

Bev, my heel was broken. i have recently found out that it healed wrong. there were bone chips left inside that are floating and cutting. it is very painful; like knives in my foot. i do not have health insurance. it took all i had saved to pay a doctor outrageous fees just to get that diagnosis. the cost of a surgery is prohibitive. thank you for being patient while i have a little break down. i'll accept and adapt to what is.

peace to you all.

thelmaz said...

Please don't stop writing. Your writing is beautiful, and you shouldn't be ashamed of sharing your pain. We all grow from what you say. I'm not sure what you are apologizing for--I guess I missed it or didn't get it from the comments--but remember, this is your personal space and you can write whatever you feel.
Sorry about your heel. Is there a service for uninsured people in your area? A grief group you can go to in a church or community center. I think of you often.

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