how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

"Sock" Beach Bunny


i call her "Sock" Beach Bunny. she isn't as lovely as my store-bought Bunny. she looks more like me. her stuffing has shifted with age. she's not as thin as she used to be. she looks a little care-worn. she is definitely more me.
i made her from the pair of socks my Dragon wore the day he died. i cannot tell the story of how this certain pair of socks became so important. his birthday is Thursday. i fly out on Friday morning. i'll cry if i type it and i have sewing to finish up today. i got my hair trimmed yesterday. i have a shaggy bob whatever the hell that is. tomorrow my daughter is coming over to highlight my hair. she insists i do it. she says it will make me feel good. i just like it when she comes over.
i hand-appliqued a silk dragon on the back of her little jacket. Dragon has her back so anybody who wants to be mean, beware. "here there be Dragons." =0} Bunny has a rough, tough Dragon who, though he is not really here, his love and her love for him keeps her getting tougher every few months....you know, these things take time, and i miss him a lot...... *sigh*

i embroidered {tattooed?} a purple heart to her chest since she has been "wounded by life."

she's going to Camp Widow. she will be in the pictures i do not want to be in, or am too self-conscious to be in.......i need a rum and coke. i always look better to everyone after they have a rum and coke.

Beach Bunny signing off until next week.

peace.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

My Dear Friend,

You do amazing work. Someday I'd like to hear the story of these socks, when you're ready to talk about it. I really like her shorts. I think the Corps should contract out PT shorts to you. And she's earned her purple heart. You've earned it. I'll be thinking of you while you're gone. I'll miss your posts and our talking. BTW, thank you for picking up the phone. Thank you for forgiving me. Now I'll take a page from your book and say,

Peace.
Brick.

bev said...

Have a wonderful time at Camp Widow, WnS. I'm sure it will be a terrific experience. I'll be thinking of my favourite bloggers all getting to meet each other. I hope that some of you will have a chance to do some "live reporting" via your blogs for those of us who couldn't go. (-:

judemiller1 said...

I am just so excited for you!!! It is going to be wonderful for you to meet some of the widows who have left comments here. Have a great time womanNshadows and Marine Beach Bunny

megan said...

have a lovely trip.

bev - it's possible there will only be three of us left here, holding down the north east corner of the continent, while the rest are off in SD. :)

The Bunny Maker said...

Hello.
I have just found your blog because I have a google alert set up for 'Sock Bunny'. I make bunnies from socks you see and I like to look around and see who else is out there.
I feel a little intrusive reading about your loss and sorrow but, if it's okay with you, can I carry on? I am so moved by your writing and perhaps it may be nice to know that - across the vast ocean that separates our lives, a maker of Sock Bunnies is thinking about you.

Anna
West Sussex, UK

womanNshadows said...

Brick, i would love to make PT shorts for the Marines. "Sock" Bunny's are made from cuddly soft fleece that has USMC on it and the flag. maybe when i get back i'll write the story of the socks.

Bev, thank you. when i return i'll put up a few photos from the weekend.

Judy, i am looking forward to meeting everyone. thank you for being out there for me.

Megan, thank you. i'm going to try.

Anna, hello to you across the Great and Sometimes Powerful Pond. you have cute little bunnies. my bunny was a shot in the dark and most likely a one-time deal unless i get orders from my business site. i saw your Isle of Wright rock stacking photos. it made me wistful for my Dragon's (my husband's nickname) and my time in Rockport, MA stacking stones down on the shoreline. thank you for your kind words. thank you for stopping by.

peace to you all.

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