how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Bunny cries

i like that quote i put under the picture of Bunny crying. i read it the other night late. way too very late.

"that was the night they promised to be together through everything, each to care for the other when old and gray. a lovers' pact, the most likely to last. ~ Krista J. Mikula

we had many nights like that, promising each other things we had no business promising. but when you love, you promised the moon and the stars. sadly, he did give me one of those things. he gave me the moon.
i am hurting so much more than i did last year, my first Christmas. it was still less than a year and i was still so numb. i cry so often now in the apartment. people think i am doing well, but i am not. what they see is a mask of coping with living day-to-day.

my children are thrilled with my job but for different reasons than i am. they want me to be out. they want me engaged in life. they want me to be talking to people and interacting with the world outside my door. i am grateful for the job. i am grateful that it is in a toy store. i am grateful for the paycheck. i am trying to find that balance of grieving for my Dragon and the joy i am supposed to be what? searching for? working for? walking towards?

i am depressed. i know it. there is nothing i can do about it except wake up, get up, get to work, whichever job is on the schedule first, then do the other job. and all i can do is cross my fingers it will be enough. i am getting more and more tired even though i am grateful for the job. please do not misunderstand. i am on my knees grateful for that job. i am just getting tired. i need to build myself up to this amount of work and this even smaller amount of sleep. the insomnia i already have with this new narrow window of time to try and find it in is killing me.
Bunny goes with me. i wish i could take Dragon but he was a special collector's edition and they do not sell him anymore. so Bunny goes with me in her elf costume and she rides in her back pack on my back. see the little patchwork purse hanging from the beads? that is my purse that i clip to the belt loop of my pants and have in my pocket so i do not have to have a purse in a locker in the back. i made it last night after i got home while i watched the Peanuts special on television.

yeah, i know. big f***ing deal. she made a tiny purse for her driver's license that she never needs because she does not own a car. and my debit card in case of emergency that drains a bank account that is only in the double digits. *sigh* so much stress, and it would all level out if he could be here with me. if he could hold me and tell me we will get through this. all i ever needed was my Dragon. i never wanted a castle. i never wanted to be wealthy. i only wanted just enough to make ends meet and be with my Dragon.

i love him. i feel nothing but emptiness.

"i would not wish any companion in the world but you." ~ Shakespeare

"so dear i love him that with him, all deaths i could endure. without him, live no life." ~ Shakespeare

off to work now. then back here to work. and missing my Dragon. and try to find some kind of balance. i am struggling. i guess that's all i wanted to say.


Suddenwidow said...

"we had many nights like that, promising each other things we had no business promising. but when you love, you promised the moon and the stars." Those sentences made me cry. We had them too, but at the times I never thought about the fact that we had no business promising them. Now I know...

Finding the balance is so difficult. Praying you get peace as you work to find your balance.


Anonymous said...

i wish i had words of comfort .. but there are none .. please try and remember how much happiness you bring to the children who go to build-a-bear .. i was there yesterday with my little one .. the people who work there truly bring magic to them .. C.

Boo said...

I am so happy that you get to interact with people now, and hope that you get more hours to alleviate some of your worries, but it seems that even when we are blessed with something, it brings its own problems - tiredness, or even it can bring more sadness because it is another change in your life ... because it reminds you that he is gone.

I wonder if build-a-bear realizes that they are honoured to have you and your magic needle. It matters not. Children know. Because they see and sense stuff like that. They know that dragons and magic are real and true.

I was driving home, terrified, in temperatures of -5 degrees and looked up at the moon - it is enormous and clear and bright here in the UK this month. It calmed me down enough, I kid you not, to get home without tears. Just knowing that you are out there struggling through this heartbreak beside me. And I wondered if the dragon was sitting somewhere with C ... watching over me. I don't know. But I felt something and it felt warm and safe.

I agree 100% with you about the holidays. Last year you helped me so so much with your love and compassion and just for being you. Thank you for that my friend. This year will be harder for the fog has lifted. But we have no option other than to live through it. I hope you are with your children for the day <3

J-in-Wales said...

Like Boo, these days whenever the moon is full my thoughts go across the ocean to a bunny missing her dragon.
I hope that as you settle into your new routine you at least find you are able to sleep better and so gain a little pleasure from your new job. Jxx

womanNshadows said...

Debbie, i am sorry some of my thoughts made you cry. i am here for you should you wish it. it is the sweet nothings that mean everything.

C, i do have a lot of fun with the children, and those who are children at heart. hopefully, hopefully i'll get the hours i so desperately need.

Boo, i like going to work. i love all the toys, but yes, it all reminds me he is gone and never coming back. Christmas shoppers. even the harried grump wumps are basically coasting on a high. i am glad the moon got you home. my Dragon and your C, all the guys have to be trading stories. it is a nice thought. i am glad i could help you so much last year even though it is back there in the fog. i am looking back at it and realizing i wish i were back there in the familiar comfort of the numb.

J, i like that the moon can bring us together. looking up at it at our different times, knowing that somewhere beyond it, our beloveds wait, and communing with it as women all across the earth, each thinking of each other and wishing with all our might that we survive this and find peace.

peace to all of you. thank you for leaving such supportive comments. i have really needed them.

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