how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

holidays, work, & the Bun

the Bun is writing today since she will be a little busy and does not know when she will post again. she has a lot on her plate. oh, Lordy, Lordy. she will be a busy girl. sewing, quilting, stuffing bears, dressing bears {and by bear we mean bunnies and bears and puppies and kittens and wolves and Abominable Snowmen and reindeer, etc.}. she will also be grieving.

such a difference a year makes. 21 months, yeah, yeah, she knows the week and day and hour, but this time around her little eyes are wide awake. life has smacked her and smacked her, well, like it does for a lot of us, and yet it has given her some blessings. she got to go to the Soul Widows retreat. she has someone to talk to now once a week. she has a job. she has her children. and she has her memories of her lovely, lovely Dragon.

and she has her Christmas Tree.
this is her Dragon Tree. he bought it for her when it was just a twiggy thing in a tiny pot. now it has grown into this pretty little bit larger tree and for the first time she can decorate it for Christmas. Dragon tree. Bunny and her daughter went to Wally World aka Wal-Mart to get food for Thanksgiving and she got little twinkle lights and tiny ornaments for it.
they decorated it together since no one, absolutely no one should decorate a tree alone. yes, the Bun had egg nog. no, she did not spike it. the Bun goes easy on the demon rum since she is a giggly girl. besides, Dragon tree kind of leans a little bit anyway and we do not need Bunny leaning.
Bunny's much taller daughter helped her put the star on Dragon Tree. now, now, we know it is early but Bunny has her hours at her other job and she knows she will be busy there. then she will come home and sew and quilt and embroidery. she will be busy at home. all she wants to do is work and earn the almighty dollar so she can merely exist. but hey, some living has to go on. she wants to come home and turn on Christmas lights.
and so she will. lovely Dragon tree. sad, Dragonless little Bun.

she is headed into the holiday season wide awake. she is still in pain. she is still missing her Dragon, but the difference is now she knows exactly how much. shock and numbness are fading and the sharp, deep aching pain of his absence is felt in every fiber of her furry little body. she hopes all this work will help her hold back the tears until she falls into bed. she hopes the frenetic work she will be doing to keep up with deadlines and the long lines of people wanting stuffing for their new friends and clothes and accessories for them will keep her blind to what day it is, how close it is to Christmas, to the fact that her Dragon is not waiting for her at the apartment.

one day, Bunny is aware, her grief will be less sharp. she will always feel it. it chafes now from all the financial woes that add to her worry. Bunny is not so much on the road of grief towards healing so much as she on a meandering path of grief. Bunny has always done it different. she is wandering around her field of grief and her forest of grief. her life now filled with sorrow and she is stopping to look at flower that grows there, touch every tree that spreads its branches to the sky, and take a picture of every cloud that floats by. she is taking a picture of each evening there is a moon. Bunny is laying down to look up and is not afraid to keep laying there. she is not static. she is just meditating before she makes a move. this is more of a stroll for Bunny than it is a bona fide official journey of any kind.

looking back she believes she is making progress, some progress. Bunny no longer compares her grief with others. she is far too busy. she has far too many worries without wondering where she falls on the Great Timeline of Sorrow. she will just go her own way. holidays and work. the Bun will try to get through it. then she will skippity-do past her birthday.

early in February she will find a flower in a wide field and sit down again. she will mentally rest and wait for that wall of water that is the second anniversary of her Dragon's death. she will tumble and swirl and spin underwater until after Valentine's Day, the anniversary of his funeral that was so tragic. then she guesses she will get up and meander around again. Bunny's journey of grief will take a long, long time. she will love him and want him and miss him until she dies.

Bun hopes you like her Dragon Christmas Tree. she talks to him and hugs his pot all the time. she hopes all who read have a wonderful, peaceful Thanksgiving holiday, or a very good Thursday wherever you live and however you spend it.

peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve.


Anonymous said...

beautiful .. C.

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

well, I love the tree! So pretty!

judemiller1 said...

I love that crooked little tree and it looks so good with its glory strung on each branch. Have fun at the new job. Can't wait to hear about it.

thelmaz said...

May the light of your tree bring light to your life.

Suddenwidow said...

Sweet tree. I'm glad you're enjoying your job. I hope that the joy you'll be bringing to others helps bring peace to your soul. And I love your latest addition to your play list. Beautiful instrumental version.

Suzann said...

Light and peace to you dear Bun - my sister - meandering on the widow road/muddling along on the widow road - taking a deep breath and doing it - yep, right by your side...right there. Blessings and hugs across the miles between. xoxoxo

womanNshadows said...

thank you to all. hard. so hard yesterday, Thanksgiving. i was a good girl when my daughter and her husband and father-in-law were here. i crumpled after. still crumpled. a little Bunny heap of tears on the sofa. but i have to get going. shower. work. paste on that smile of Christmas joy. grateful for the job. blessed to have had my Dragon. the wildest ride of all. grief.

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