how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Soul Widows retreat ~ to heal or not to heal

she leaves in the morning; getting picked up around 9:30 am. the Bun is packed. she is ready to go and try to find something she thinks is missing from her life; her right to talk about him to someone other than her daughter and son.

she writes about him all the time. she thinks about him more. every stitch she takes with a needle and thread, or floss, is in his honor, for his memory. she even stitches her signature to sign her work with his initials and hers.

but she has not been able to, or been allowed to sit with someone to really talk about how she feels. okay. that is not entirely accurate. she got to talk to a nun who is a counselor. but for that one hour, the nun wanted to know about her ex-husband and those years. and then Bunny could not pay for any more sessions.

then she got to talk to that grief counselor through the hospice once face-to-face, but then only once more via iChat. she was told she was doing quite well for the life she had faced, the life she and her Dragon had dreamed of and then lost when he died, and the life she is facing now with her peculiar set of circumstances. "quite well." uhmm hummm. okie dokie.

but even if Bunny is doing "quite well," she felt it would be nice to have someone to talk to for a little while longer on a regular basis. "quite well" is all well and good, but there is loneliness and the feeling of not ever getting to really talk about her Dragon. to be able to just tell some stories with her voice, see someone else listen to her and acknowledge that they recognize what her Dragon means to her.
well, the Bun is packed and has dragged her bag to sit beside the door on the floor in front of the television. she has her camera and her new jacket. she knows it will be cool where she is going. she has her robe and slippers in case there is a kind of slumber party aspect later on one evening. she is excited in anticipation of getting to sit with a small group of women where everyone gets a turn.

now, now, Bunny knows her place. she isn't going to gab, gab, gab. she knows she is not that exciting to listen to, but she is just so happy to be allowed to go and share a little bit.

but will Bunny "heal?" what is healing anyway? Bunny has put a lot of thought into this lately. how does one define healing? is she healed if she smiles more? is she healed if she laughs more? is she healed if she gets her job and is more 'productive?' but then who is harder working or more focused than the Bun? oh, my gosh, she works upwards of 12 - 14 hours a day as it is? she bought a can of frozen juice just to keep in the freezer to hold in her hand to help ease the aches in her hands when it gets really bad.

what is healing? is she healed if she dates again? {yech.} will she be thought of as healed if she {gulp} gets in a relationship? she cannot bear the thought. she was married twice. once to a not-so-nice man. and once to her other half. she has too many scars. she has too many memories. she was so very happy with her Dragon. to have that again, seems as remote as the sun exploding tomorrow. to have something less will be a terrible thing to do to the other person. it would have to be something so different, so unexpected, but then her Dragon was so very unexpected. kismet. soul mate. once in a lifetime fairy tale stuff. and who is the Bun to think she deserves something nice again? she got heaven and the moon and the stars with her Dragon. what else is there?

so what is healing? what does Bunny expect from a spiritual retreat? nothing more than to be able to share what her life with her Dragon was like. nothing more than to be able to share how much she loves him. nothing more than that. she just wants to be able to talk a tiny little bit about her Dragon in a comfortable setting with loving and open hearts around her. she does not want to be judged, or critiqued, or dismissed. she wants to quietly and succinctly speak about her lovely Dragon and what the loss of him has done to her, to another human face who does not have her on the clock. that's all.
Bunny's babies are a little worried and clingy and sad. they saw her pack. Mr. Scootie Wootums of the Stardust Eyes who is Lord of the Dance is a little down. Bunny is having to give him lots of hugs and kisses on his curious little nose.
Miss Carmen Sophia the Wild Gypsy Girl with the Sensitive Soul has her goosey-goose toy with her and keeps trying to sneak it in the bag. she wants to go. but Bunny's daughter is taking care of her fuzzy babies. Bunny loves her fuzzy babies so much. they have been there with her in the trenches of grief. they have been beside her, pressed so close to her, when she has howled in deep sorrow and despair.

and if you remember, rabbits only howl in death. maybe it was her Dragon's death that happened but Bunny feels like she died, too. her goal? if Bunny can stop howling with grief in her mind in the dead of the night, she will believe some healing has, indeed, taken place. if she can simply stop howling over and over, get the night of his death to fade a bit, then the Bun will count her blessings and present that as proof that healing has taken place.

see, Bunny is better.

peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve.

6 comments:

thelmaz said...

May the retreat be a balm to your soul. Love,Thelma

Suddenwidow said...

I hope the retreat is all you need it to be, and more. Peace to you.

Dan, in real time. said...

Enjoy.

Connect.

Share.

Feel.

Wishing you all the best. I will say a special prayer for you, and all the other ladies, on your retreat.

Love. Dan

Boo said...

Kismet indeed.

I hope you enjoy the experience and that it helps you x

soul healing said...

Retreats give lots of things, makes you happy, joy..
But I do think retreats wouldn't be enough.
I do believe what you need is a Father.
A Guide and a loving Friend.

womanNshadows said...

soul healing, i do have faith in and talk with my Father, HIs Son, the Holy Spirit, and the Blessed Mother every day. i had just needed the opportunity to speak to, to connect with other human beings, too.

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