how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

the great longing

i want to thank everyone who commented and those who emailed their congratulations on my getting the job. it is a good fit for me. toys. children of all ages. belief in the magic of toys. i hope to be good enough, great enough, that i will be invaluable and they will want to keep me after February. and i just need hours so that my paycheck helps me exist.

Thanksgiving is coming. then Christmas. New Years. then my birthday. then the milestone of the 2nd year and the Valentine's Day anniversary of his funeral. it is a 3 month gauntlet that drained me last year. i hope the job keeps my head above water emotionally so that i can tread water through it all.

the Bun goes to work with me. it seems eccentricity is a plus where i work. she rides in a "bear carrier" on my back to be all cute and fuzzy and adorable, attracting people into the store as i walk the Mall to get there. then she is all cute and fuzzy and adorable while i work, enticing people to buy clothes and accessories for their bears and bunnies, wolves and reindeer, monkeys and puppies and kittens.
the one thing i noticed is they do not sell the dragons anymore. you cannot even get them online. i feel so blessed to have gotten one. my daughter and son-in-law saw them and got me one. and you have seen enough of my photos to know he wears his Marine Dress Blues. i had thought about taking him to work but when i saw that they do not sell him anymore, i leave him home.

how awful would it be for a child to see my Dragon and want one.....and then find out he or she could not get one? they would be so sad. a near metaphor for what it is like for me. i saw my Dragon. i had him for just a little while, and then he died. he is gone and i know what he looks like. i know what he sounds like. i know what it feels like to hold him and love him. and now he is gone. i cannot have him anymore.

21 months, 1 week, 5 days, 8 hours and 49 minutes at this moment, and yes, i sometimes count it out. it is a morbid game i play. my wall is getting covered with full moon photographs. i will be adding one more after tonight....when i get over there to get it printed. another moon to the Wall of Moons that Mark His Absence. {i like grand names. it makes it sound less ridiculous, more ceremonial. right? a little bit right? not even? okay, well, remember i said eccentricity is an asset at work. the children seem to like me a lot.}

i have been reading a book titled, "Heaven. The Heart's Deepest Longing." very interesting presentation of why we do not feel comfortable here. it is religious and for that guy last month or so who thought i wrote too much of God. there it is again. God. Heaven. at least i am not advocating dealing with grief by shooting heroin in my eye.

i long for my Dragon. it is not getting any better. it is more familiar, these feelings of anguish and loneliness. i only want him. i see other men out now and there is no warm feeling. there is no, "does my hair look alright?" i do not think of myself as a woman, not like that. no flirty feelings come over me. some are handsome enough but only for artistic value. not personal. there is no longing for companionship. i have Carmen Sophia and Scootie Wootums for that. i have my daughter and my son. and i have my memories of my Dragon when i wish to dream romantically.

no other arms but his. no other lips but his. no other soul but his. stripped down of any pretense, take away all the thoughts and words and work on grief. i just want him. my great longing is him, and yes, it sounds like i am only marking time here.
right now at 21 months, 1 week, 5 days, 9 hours i am only marking time. i love him so.

Enya does a beautiful song. i moved it up to first on the playlist for this posting.

where are you this moment
only in my dreams
you're missing, but you're always
a heartbeat from me.

i'm lost now without you.
i don't know where you are.
i keep watching,
i keep hoping,
but time keeps us apart.

is there a way i can find you?
is there a sign i should know?
is there a road i could follow,
to bring you back home?

winter lies before me,
now you're so far away
in the darkness of my dreaming
the light of you will stay.

if i could be close beside you,
if i could be where you are,
if i could reach out and touch you,
and bring you back home.

is there a way i can find you?
is there a sing i should know?
is there a road i could follow,
to bring you back home,

to me.......

i think i have arrived at this: this passage by George Eliot:

but she lost energy at last even for her loud-whispered cries and moan: she subsided into helpless sobs, and on the cold floor she sobbed herself to sleep. in the chill hours of the morning twilight, when all was dim around her, she awoke ~ not with any amazed wondering where she was or what had happened, but with the clearest consciousness that she was looking into the eyes of sorrow. she rose, and wrapped warm things around her, and seated herself in a great chair where she had often watched before. she was vigorous enough to have borne that hard night without feeling ill in body, beyond some aching and fatigue; but she had waked to a new condition: she felt as if her soul had been liberated from its terrible conflict; she was no longer wrestling with her grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.

yes, the more i read that, the more it seems to apply now. i cannot cry at work. i only sob quietly at night at times. tonight will be one of those nights. it will be the full moon. i will not put a photo of it here tonight or even tomorrow. you know what it looks like. i will put it in it's place in line in my moon album on my Facebook page. Bunny may or may not do something. it will be as my muse moves me. {i wrote it like that on purpose. i love alliteration.}

"so," she wrote as she mentally hoisted her mug of orange juice. "so, to the great longing i feel for my Dragon, to the full moon, and to me, and also to all who grieve whether it be loudly, or quietly. i wish for an end to the great longing we all feel, and i wish for the end to be the beginning of everything that is good and perfect and light, and loving. i wish for our ends to be with those we love who are waiting for us."

peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve.


Suddenwidow said...

What a powerful George Eliot quote. Grief is definitely my companion now. I don't anticipate it ever leaving me. Austin loved Enya and If I Could Be Where You Are makes me cry. Actually, all Enya songs make me cry. They are so beautiful and at the same time remind me so clearly that he isn't here physically anymore.

I know you will be great at your new job!!! How cool that Bunny gets to go to work with you! When is your first day?

Wishing you peace.

Anonymous said...

My dear Friend, I know how relieved you are to have the job. I'm sure they'll give you more hours soon. You hold your grief so close but then Dragon was a hellava man. I'm glad we got to talk on the phone. I can hear in your voice how much you miss him. I think I can finally understand that you'll never get over this and that there's no quick fix for this. I've never been lucky enough to have a relationship with a woman like you and Dragon had. I'll call your Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. Btw, Bunny looks adorable in her elf outfit. Is she free for New Year's? We're having a seafood crawl that night and she could be my date. Just kidding. I know she wouldn't want to be away from you. Smile for me.

Semper Fi,

megan said...

At least I'm not dealing with grief by shooting herion in my eye.
That made me laugh tea out of my nose.

womanNshadows said...

Suddenwidow, only a woman could write something like that. G. Eliot is one of my favorite writers. and Enya's voice, ethereal. i started the job last Thursday. keep your fingers crossed, or pray, whatever you can do for me, that they give me more hours and let me stay until i am very old.

Brick, funny man. ordinarily Bunny would love to go on a seafood crawl but she is afraid of flying. she will do an iChat with you before you go that evening, your evening, if you wish. you and she can work it out. and my Dragon was a hell of a man. too cool not to grieve for.

megan, i really do have a wicked sense of humor. it is just that when i write here, it is about my grief. i hope that as time passes i will show more of it. i really am a fun girl.

peace to you all. thank you for "talking" to me.

Boo said...

oh my friend, how perfectly put ... "heroin in the eye". People should not dare, or even hint, that you are grieving "wrong" ... it is your loss, your grief, your broken heart. I am proud to call you my friend. I reckon they will be booking you in for all the hours that you can muster <3

womanNshadows said...

thank you, Boo, and as for the hours, i hope so. peace to you.

judemiller1 said...

Holidays are such a hard time. Suppose to be around people and yet--being around people makes us feel more lonely. I so loved the G. Eliot writing. Go forth into your new job, with Bun as your guide and wrap your magic around the little kids AND their parents. Such magic you have.

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