how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, May 6, 2011

my Dragon has a name

i am autonomous now. i am my own country. i am the Widow Bunny living in the Land of Forever Grief. i am the Dragon's wife and it is time i stand for him. that person out there {Voldemort} can wound me but he can no longer reach out and hurt me. he no longer has control over me. i am on my own, finally, frighteningly, but out of reach of the harm that he can cause. so now, it is time. i feel it in my heart.

you've "met" my Dragon. you've seen the photos i've posted. you now know his smile.

you've read where we lived. beside the North Atlantic. so beautiful. so austere, even in our short summers. we truly lived, he and i. we were so terribly poor but we were wonderfully happy. we had all of the great outdoors as our playground. we had the ocean and all its gifts. we had our island. we had each other.

i've told you all about my Dragon, the kind of man he is. he still is that kind of man because only his body died. not his soul. he has transcended this life but he is still the man i love. i've told you of his sacrifices for his country as a Marine. i've told you of his sacrifices as a {step} father to my two children. such a wonderful man. his laughter, contagious. his smile, warm. his hands, strong and always there for me. his heart, faithful and courageous in the face of hardship. he is as permanent in my life as the granite boulders that surround where we lived and loved together.

and i have told you how he died. i have told you that it was sudden and shattering. i told you of the terrible cold of that winter night. 4 below zero. we already had 3 feet of snow on the ground on that frigid 8th of February at 11:45 when he was rushed to the ER due to a heart attack. 12:03 AM ~ 9 February 2009 ~ he had to go where i cannot as of yet.
he flew to the other side of our moon. the Dragon and the moon. now Bunny and her moon. so lonely standing out in the dark looking up at the sky. or during the daylight hours on a waxing moon as Bunny searches the sky for Dragon.
Dragon has a name. Carl.

6 comments:

Boo said...

I am crying and laughing at the same time.

Thank you for entrusting me with his name many moons ago.

To see you on the board of the Grief Project, to see you launching the Ambassador of Grief made me proud and happy.

But this. I have no words, only feelings.

Sudden widow said...

I just echo everything Boo said. I can feel your trust in this world growing. I hope it is bringing you some sense of peace. Carl is so proud of you!

cancerwidow said...

Hugs.

thelmaz said...

Susan, hope you're feeling better. Stop by my blog for a Versatile Blogger Award button. Then you should mention my blog on yours, pass the award on to 15 others (this takes a long time) and list 7 to 10 things about yourself.

Sandy said...

I have always wondered his name and why you never used it. I think I say TJ's name on a daily basis. Glad you were finally able to share his name with all of us.

Widow in Oz said...

I love this post x

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