Bunny is interrupting her own blog posting with this small soliloquy.
Bun became very frustrated last posting. she took a break to gather her thoughts. what she got upset and hurt about were all the suggestions of what she could do to help herself. she had already written in previous postings of trying all of those very same suggestions. it was like those who commented had only just joined the blog. "none of us knew exactly what efforts you'd already made." all of them. she had made all of them, as written in the previous blogs.
Bun doesn't like to keep writing the same things over and over. she thinks if you want to know her, you would have read. or if you had not read her before, you'd assume from her articulate writing that she was a hard working Bunny who wasn't just sitting there waiting for handouts. she wasn't asking for advice on where to turn. she was lamenting the state of her life. just throwing it out there hoping against hope that someone would simply say, "there, there." or maybe a "stay strong, sister. we keep you in our thoughts and prayers." or throw out a "this too shall pass."
she was hoping those who read her would simply mention that they have come to sit with her in her panic and grief so she would not have felt she had reached out to a critical universe. or if you have not read her words, at least have given her the benefit of the doubt since her writing is very correct and concise and at the very least semi-intelligent sounding.
*sigh* Bunny had her hopes set too high. it was kind, yes, to see all those suggestions of what Bunny could do. it also frustrated her that 1. her previous writings had not been understood, and 2. that it was assumed she had sat down on her fuzzy tail and done nothing in all this time to try and help herself.
"those of us who have stuck by you even if we don't know you." Bunny hopes it wasn't so hard to read her words and look at her photos that you had to "stick by" her. "sticking" makes her think that she is an impossible little creep who doesn't deserve friends. "stuck by you" makes her feel like she is hard to know and even harder to really care about. but yes, if "sticking by the Bun" was what it took to ride this out with her this far then yes, you are all "pretty darn unique and special." you are all "gifts." but to tell Bunny that "even the mean lady in her own way" was only trying to help Bunny, wow......hang on a second. Bunny is teary again.
..................................................... Bunny has never thought meanness was a unique and special gift. Bunny has been on the receiving end of a lot of meanness and she just does not think that meanness is the way to reach out to anyone, especially someone who hurts. "reaching out the only way we can....." *sigh* Bunny just wishes that her previous postings with all the information had been read so that she would not have been responsible for writing it over and over in each posting, so people could keep up. or, that she was thought of as a go-getter Bun who would try and try with all her might to help herself out before lamenting her sad state.
now, someone has written to Bun and they want an explanation of what she's done and why she was turned down for benefits and help and aid. *sigh again* this is Bun's blog. she should be able to write what she wants, and not have to continue to go over material she has so many other times. but alas, she does not want to be rude. if someone demands she validate her claims and prove she has done her homework, or made calls, or tried to help herself, here, in a nutshell mind you, is what she has been told.
Medicaid ~ she is not disabled, she is working and makes a little bit too much money. she does not have children living with her that are under 17 or who are disabled.
Church ~ Bunny is on the list for anything they want to help her with. it is a long list. and no way does either of the Catholic Churches Bunny attends have the funds to hand out cars. and yes, Bunny has called Catholic Charities, but, while she qualifies for free grief counseling, there are no appointment openings at this time. they will let her know. in the meantime, they will offer up prayers for Bun and Bun should keep praying. Bunny does.
Clinics ~ Bunny does not qualify for 3 non-profit clinics because, for 1 clinic, she has a job. they serve only the unemployed. clinic 2, she makes 25 cents an hour more than minimum wage which is the cut off for that clinic, and clinic 3, she is pending insurance at work. yeah, Bunny knows. it won't be until April 2012 but it is more than a lot of people out there so Bunny was told she was living the good life and therefore does not qualify.
VA ~ we were not married long enough for me to gain free medical through them. Dragon did not die while on active duty. they are very sorry.
American Diabetes Association ~ Bunny has filled out two forms twice for a free meter but the test strips for the ones they want to send would cost Bunny $118 a month. Bunny cannot afford it even if they send the meter which they say they have but Bunny has not received it yet. she does like their online recipes though.
Food Stamps ~ Bunny has a tad more than $200 in savings which is the cut off for food stamps.
Target ~ yes, the store. the pharmacist there is going to help Bunny. there is a cheap-o meter to test Bun's blood glucose ~ $12.99. the test strips are cheap. for a box of 100, $9.99. when Bunny gets paid next week, she's headed to Target and the pharmacist is going to teach Bunny how to do it. she's a very nice lady who likes Bun very much. Bunny was the party Bunny for her daughter's birthday party at work. the pharmacist feels bad that Bun has to wait until April 2012 when she has seen how hard Bunny works. Bunny got teary when the pharmacist showed her the meter and test strips. the pharmacist hugged Bun.
Bunny thinks that's all there is. if she has missed one, she apologizes. she is having a rough time emotionally of late, but she really has tried very hard to help herself, on her own, and not be a burden. and yes, anonymous, our country is that messed up. the cracks to slip through are all over the place.
hoping she has placated her readers and the mean person with explanations of why she got frustrated, Bunny would now like to continue with her blog.
Bunny's Primal Scream
this is Bunny's art, her art of grief.
it is how she expels the poison of bad thoughts.
she is trying to get through life.
in her fragile state, Bunny is worried about comments. she will disable that option for a while, just until the troubles in her life have subsided. she has a problem with Voldemort she has not made public as well as a new little health problem that has nothing to do with high blood pressure or diabetes. bear with her. maybe one day she won't be so afraid of what all of you will say to her and she will allow comments again.
until then, she wishes peace for all of you.