how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

diabetes is winning

anyone out there? anyone at all?

health-wise, i am not doing well. saving up money to go back to the doctor. hopefully before the pills run out. will need a renewal on my scripts soon.

i still don't test my blood glucose. don't have a meter. don't know how. can't afford the class yet. still waiting on April 2012 for insurance. i work hard, almost 40 hours a week. not quite full-time.

i do my best. my best is not good enough. each morning i wake up very low blood sugar-wise. i tremble. i eat something quickly ~ applesauce, banana, both. but i have been leaving for work shaky. hungry. low on energy. they don't know. i never let them see how low i am. work hours are performance based. so i perform.

when lunch comes, i am at the end of my rope with regards to energy. i inhale the food at times. other times i eat slow and fight to keep it down.

i am down because of this. emotionally down as well as physically down. my Carl would be afraid for me. i have lost 11 pounds in the last 6 weeks and that's without trying. i just don't eat enough and i work a lot.

when i come back here, i work on a quilt that is taking me far too long, and yet, i cannot work too many hours on it every day. i am wiped out and shaking from exhaustion.

and God help me, i sometimes don't work on it at all. i take care of my dogs. i eat something. i go to bed at tonight.

i am failing. i am falling. there is no one to catch me but me, but my arms are far too tired.

Bunny is physically very run down, but she has to keep going. she cannot quit because there is no one to catch her. no doctor who will help her without an unGodly amount of money. i have no idea where my body stands with regards to this condition i have. all i can do is keep doing what i am reading, eating what i can afford that fits both conditions, and try to keep going on this journey and get to wherever it is i am going to end up.

i wish with all my heart that he were still here. i need someone to talk to. i need someone to help me prepare food. i need someone to check on me. i need my Dragon back. i can't do this alone. i can't afford a doctor. Dragon would find a way. somehow, i have not been able to.

2 years, 5 months tomorrow. seems like forever. seems like nothing.


Keli said...

S, I have not posted on your blog or facebook in a very long time. Been busy with my life and starting a business. I also have diabetes and high blood pressure so I know some of what your are experiencing. Do you have type I or type II diabetes? I have type II which is controlled with diet and Metformin. Have you contacted the Diabetes Association about getting a glucometer and test strips? They might be able to help, as you really need to test at least 2-3 times a day until you get into a routine for leveling your blood sugar. I lost 35 lbs in the first 3 months of being on meds, but it seems to have leveled out and I have maintained a healtly weight for the past 2 years (I weigh what I did when I graduated from high school, which I love). If I can answer any questions for you, I would be happy to pass along the things I have done, tried, failed, succeeded with...just email me. Sorry this is such a long comment.

judemiller1 said...

Keli said it all. I was going to advise you to contact the Diabetes Association and get a meter. You HAVE to check your glucose levels!!!!! Try eating a small snack before you go to bed--Fred (Type II) says eat some cheese or slice of bread and peanut butter--any carbs that will digest slowly to keep your sugars up during the night. Try the diabetes website for other help--search American Diabetes Association on line. Fred says also sometimes if you contact the manufacturer of the meter, they will send you one free IF you buy their stips.

Anonymous said...

you say it's been over 2 years. you need to shape up. no one can help you but you. 2 years is long enough to be over this. i lost my husband 3 years ago and i started dating about 6 or 7 months in. i am now remarried and have his health care and a nice house. i don't have to work and life is good. you're wallowing and it's all your own doing. i read other peoples blogs and they are dating, have better attitudes than you do. your husband ws only a man. not this dragon you've created in your mind. he's just a man. this whole soulmate crap is just crap. if you need financial help, go find another man before you're too old and have to be his nursemaid. jsut go get a life why don't you. i can't read your crap anymore.

Anonymous said...

Pay no attention to the comment above. You don't need criticism; you need support. Everyone grieves at their own rate. I was wondering if you are eligible for Medicaid? Do contact the Diabetes Association. They should be able to help or give you some suggestions.
I can't find your email address, but I wanted you to know I am back in email land after two visits to my service provider. Looking forward to meeting Bunny in person. The three bears and the guinea pig are excited about her visit, the cats not so much. Thelma Z

Anonymous said...

Have you called your County Health Dept. to see if they can give you a referral to a clinic that provides care to the uninsured at a reduced cost? We have a number of such clinics in our county. They also provide counseling to residents at nominal or no cost. Doing something, anything as basic as searching online or making a phone call is a shift in a more positive and hopeful direction. Wishing you hope, strength and care - criticism does little to help but understanding and sympathy can go a long way. Take criticsm with an open mind though. Sometimes hearing a differing opinion can be of value in some way in shifting our own outlook, as painful as that may be.

Anonymous said...

Please take some of these helpful suggestions to heart. There is help out there for the uninsured. Walmart has a long list of 4.00 pres. 1 or more may help. I do know from experience ( am a widow, have diabetes and high blood pressure)that stress will make these conditions worse. Be calm and engage in those activities that bring you relaxation. Walks help with the blood sugar. Enjoy the memories of your Carl. Have a peaceful night.

abandonedsouls said...

i wasn't going to answer anyone and then i thought, what the hell. one last time.

Keli, i have type 2. yes i have contacted the Diabetes Assoc. they say it's in the mail. that was 6 weeks ago.

Judy, thanks for the peanut butter tip. gonna use it even against my own doctor's orders. first words out of his mouth, "no potatoes, certain fruits, peanut'll get it all in class once your insurance kicks in."

first anonymous, thank you for not reading anymore. i cannot prostitute myself for a house, health care, or a "better life." to each his own.

Thelma, i am not eligible for Medicaid. first thing i tried. contacted Diabetes Assoc. waiting. ball is in their court, twice.

second anonymous, yes i have. i am not without putting forth effort here. i have filled out forms and filed applications and made countless phone calls. so have my children done this research on my behalf as well as back up.

third anonymous, helpful suggestions, huh? call people. i have. investigate. i have. i do get my scripts from Walmart after paying my doctor $400 for the privilege of his name of a slip of paper.

i have tried and tried over and over with city, county, state and federal. nothing yet, which is why i am down.

think positive? i try. every day i try. every day i smile. i won two awards at a store meeting tonight for all my positive energy at work. i try to stay calm. i meditate 30 minutes a day. i do cardio and yoga. i am trying. venting here was supposed to help me. instead i feel like a nothing. i have and continue to cover any idea for medical help i can muster.

i think i am going away for a while. i cannot seem to write anything that anyone understands anymore. i cannot seem to get anyone to really "hear" me.

such is life.

Anonymous said...

I don't mean to upset you or cause you more stress. The people who commented mostly did so kindly and with the best of intentions. None of us knew exactly what efforts you'd already made. I cannot believe that there is no clinic or doctor in your area providing care to the uninsured. My doctor does so for $70.00 a visit - not that great but a heck of a lot better than $400.00. What are all these agencies telling you? If indeed, you have nothing in your community to help you, our country is more messed up than it seems and we're all in deep trouble.

The churches in our area provide assistance to residents including financial "gifts." One even gives deserving people free cars. Our township also gives people financial gifts. I know at one time I even called our hospital to inquire about doctors and services.

Those of us who have stuck by you care about you even if we don't know you. In my book that is pretty darn unique and special - a gift. Don't turn us away for trying - we're only human. You say no one is really hearing you. What exactly can we do for support? All of us (and even that mean lady in her own way) did try to reach out to you in the only ways we can and know how. We don't want to not understand you.

judemiller1 said...

Don't you dare go away. I would miss you terribly.

thelmaz said...

Don't go away, please. You are too important to all of us.

megan said...

wow - some people are Crabby! Goodness. Not you, S. I am of course referring to anon #1. Issues. I think the anonymity of the internet makes people forget to have any manners at all. And seriously, you don't go all apesh&t over someone you don't even know in the comments of their blog unless you have some unresolved issues of your own that need your love and care.
Ahem. Personal soap box of my own, now stepping down. Full moon my dear, I notice now. Love to you, helpful or no.

abandonedsouls said...

Megan, thank you. from the bottom of my heart, thank you for this comment. this was all i needed. someone to just sort of sit here with me for a moment and commiserate, and let me know she notices me. it is the most helpful you can imagine.

megan said...


carolyn said...

Good Lord. I am shocked that someone would write like that A.#1 did. It's so hurtful it sounds like it must be a joke from someone very close, except unfortunately with typing we can't hear the knowing love in the "voice". So we have to be straight with each other in the typing world, and kind, always. Or at the very least, silent.
Saw this quote somewhere recently, in a widow's blog. I'm sorry I can't remember whose:
"When you are constantly told there are no words, it is lovely to see some."
just gonna sign my name here!

Anonymous said...

I'm hear to listen, too. Say whatever you need to say for as long as you need to say it. Your willingness to be vulnerable is refreshing; if only we were all so honest... You have worth.

Juliet said...

Just wanted to post a note and let you know I am thinking of you today and hoping it is a good one.

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