how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

for 5 August, 9 August, 11 August ~ the pain has already started

To be, or not to be, that is the Question:
Whether 'tis Nobler in the minde to suffer
The Slings and Arrowes of outragious Fortune,
Or to take Armes against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them: to dye, to sleepe
No more; and by a sleepe, to say we end
The Heart-ake, and the thousand Naturall shockes
That Flesh is heyre too? 'Tis a consummation
Deuoutly to be wish'd. To dye to sleepe,
To sleepe, perchance to Dreame; I, there's the rub,
For in that sleepe of death, what dreames may come,
When we haue shuffel'd off this mortall coile,
Must giue vs pawse. There's the respect
That makes Calamity of so long life:
For who would beare the Whips and Scornes of time,
The Oppressors wrong, the poore mans Contumely,
The pangs of dispriz'd Loue, the Lawes delay,
The insolence of Office, and the Spurnes
That patient merit of the vnworthy takes,
When he himselfe might his Quietus make
With a bare Bodkin? Who would these Fardles beare
To grunt and sweat vnder a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The vndiscouered Countrey, from whose Borne
No Traueller returnes, Puzels the will,
And makes vs rather beare those illes we haue,
Then flye to others that we know not of.
Thus Conscience does make Cowards of vs all,
And thus the Natiue hew of Resolution
Is sicklied o're, with the pale cast of Thought,
And enterprizes of great pith and moment,
With this regard their Currants turne away,
And loose the name of Action.


To live or not to live, that is the question.

Is it better to stay, and suffer all of the ridiculous highs and lows of life?
Or to leave, and avoid the trials and tribulations altogether?

We cannot answer this.

Even after you die you still might dream. And who knows what you'll dream?

If it wasn't for that fear who would bear all the evils and humiliations of life?
The injustices and oppression? The gloating of the powerful?
The pain of loving someone who could care less?
The lack of integrity? The abuses of the government?
The rejections we all face?

Why would we put up with all of this when we could just end our lives so easily? Why burden ourselves by continuing to live?

It's the fear of what awaits after death.
Death is an undiscovered country, a place from which no one ever returns.
The existence of death puzzles us and makes us put up with all the miseries of life.

So instead of exploring something we can't perceive in advance, we continue to put up with our lives here.
Our imaginations make us cowards.
And our resolutions only turn us into self-compromised human beings.

Therefore, we choose to take no action.


Anonymous said...

Hi Bunny. It is sad that the people in your life are not empathic enough to step out of their shell and say something to you. Unfortunately death is what we are all inching towards. I was a hospital worker for many years, and was a witness of the heartbreak of loss. I believe that death is a relief sometimes, a surprise sometimes, always hurts more those who stay, than the one that leaves. No one knows what comes after…what you do know, and what you will always have is the love that you guys had, he saved you, he was your dragon, he saw you as no one else did, and you saw through him too. You will always have that! That is much more than what most people have, you know most people don’t know what real love is. But you do, you know love as a mother, love as a wife and soulmate. Unfortunately his time came before yours (also from working in a hospital, I believe no one can intervene when your time is up no matter how hard they try) Your dragon had no pain, be thankfull for that. And he was also in the arms of the one he loved. But you are here, your son and daughter are starting their adult lives, have no children, means you are yet to become a grandma, that is another stage of life that will bring you happiness. You are also an artist capable of putting beauty in paper, fabric, glass…so many of us have no talent. Definitely explore that, try selling on ebay, prints of your photographs….you are such a great artist, the beautiful person you are shines through. Don’t let the monster of depression take you down, because it will succeed in taking your wish to live away….find things to live for…I hope you find true friends that will go out for coffee with you, trips to the zoo, the animal shelter, the museum, walks around town, the movies, whatever it takes….I hope the best for you Bunny! And hope you get your healthcare problem resolved. Sending you hugs from Panama….Kathy

Dan, in real time. said...

Wishing you love and peace from here in San Diego. I know I have been absent, as I have kind of gone underground for awhile. The winter had me in hibernation, when I was doing well for awhile. Lately, life seems quite gloomy again. It's been difficult to read other's blogs, as I'm already fighting that ever sinking mood each day. Oh how I wish this were all much easier for each of us. I keep thinking about how fortunate I was to have spent time with you around this time last year. I'm sure the folks at the shop love their interaction with you, as you have such a warm and loving spirit. Hang in there. Know that even in my silence, you are one that is always in my thoughts, and always in my prayers.


Sudden widow said...

I just got back to reading blogs after a month away. I seem to be moving away from reading them and writing my own on any kind of a regular basis these days. And that's not because I'm not still dealing with grief issues constantly but because I feel like I have nothing new to say. We are living, we laugh, and we still ache with his absence every minute. I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time; those dates looming in front of us can be overwhelming. As Dan so beautifully wrote, even when I'm not commenting you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Suzann said...

Susan, I have been absent from blogs and commenting. Battling my iwn health stuff right now. You know I love you today and always. These days are so difgicult. I send light across the miles into the darkness of your sorrow. Forever your sister and 4 am friend. Suzann

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