how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

something wicked this way comes

tumultuous mind
money worries
health fears
loneliness rules Bunny's heart

seeing people's vacation photos
knowing she can never take a day off
knowing it will be a long, long time
before she'll walk by the ocean again.

all the invisible things
she clutches tightly to her chest.
all the physical things
she's lost along the way.

is it a storm brewing,
or is Bunny making mountains
out of molehills?
only time will tell.

Bunny lives her life
in a house of sticks
and the wolf might be
at the door.

right now she's staring at his birthday,
the 2.5 year mark,
her wedding anniversary;
all housed within 6 terrible, memory-filled days.

none of Bunny's "friends"
have been with her for longer than 2 years.
some have not touched base
in weeks and weeks.

was it something she wrote?
something she didn't?
something she is?
something she isn't?

is there a physical storm
brewing on Bunny's horizon?
or is it only in her
lonely, terrified little heart?
either way,
she's waiting for the
other shoe
to drop.


come back to me,
oh, please, come back for me.
wait for me, my love.

i need you so,
i can't do this, you know?
sit with me, my love.


p.s. added 31st July: i keep checking back to see if anyone has any kind thing to say. *sigh* i've always heard, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." so i guess that's it.


Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you. You will be in my thoughts through these painful anniversaries. The ones you should be celebrating with your Dragon. I know there is nothing I can say to ease the pain, but know that there is someone - though unknown to you - who cares and is listening.

A friend shared this with me, and I want to share it with you:

Deep peace of the running waves to you
Deep peace of the flowing air to you
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you
Deep peace of the shining stars to you

The stars and moon pour their healing light upon you.


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