how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

"the best thing that's ever been mine"

it's February first. whoopee. i just paid rent minus $25 dollars because they are taking my washer/dryer. it's not up to code anymore. so i will have to hand wash until i can have a day off and get to my daughter's to wash my things. *sigh* one hand of fate caresses my face and hands me $25 while the other hand slaps me hard. no more easy laundry. c'est la vie.

he is always on my mind but now, more and more and more as the days get closer to the 8th/9th. i have so much to say but i seldom write here because, well, very few ever comment to me anymore. thank you so much to the ones that do. you are the only voices i hear with regards to my grief.

possibly more read and don't know what to say, and i could put that little app on the side that lets me know who in the universe has stopped by, but i would be afraid i wouldn't see anyone there. it would hurt my feelings and i don't need my feelings hurt anymore than they already get hurt.

i've lost so many people in my life. i've met and met online so many people just through this grief journey that have turned away and left me here. i don't need to see who isn't there or never was.

there is a new playlist on Bear Radio at work. there's this song that i cannot really determine the lyrics too much but the repeating chorus is "you are the best thing that's ever been mine." it resonates with me and i find myself listening for it to come around again. when i first heard it, it snagged my heart and i was frozen for a second. now i find a little comfort in it. bittersweet. melancholy. it's haunting.
i can't believe it's almost been the end of 3 years without him. without his smiles. without his touch. without his voice. where ever he is is home. and i want to go home.

i've been very busy; working very hard. i only had 2 days off in January. busy month. nice money but i'm paid so little hourly that i bow to every hour they give me. i need them because it's never enough. my stomach is eating itself out from worry over the doctor's appointment next Tuesday before work. my stomach is eating itself with worry over what the VA will do when they get my W2. "oh, we won't be giving her anymore money now. she's on her feet." no, i'm not. i'm floundering. if they cut me off, i will have to ask my son for help. i am so scared over this.

i was asked to make a Bunny for someone at work. here she is. i've almost finished the little quilt that goes with her. i'll show you photos when it's all finished.
here is the quilt i finished recently. the widow has received it though i have not heard back from her about whether or not she or her son like it. there is a ton of embroidery in this quilt. i made 79 cents an hour on this quilt. it kills me to make so little for so much work, but i quoted her a price without knowing how much embroidery she wanted and i honor my word.
i was asked to make a Bunny for a widow in Texas. her name is Rose. she wanted flowers or clouds and the sun so i gave her both. the pants have flowers on them and the shirt has clouds and the sun.
and i took the time to make Bunny a little shirt like the one her Dragon wore. it's Marine Camo with his name embroidered over the left pocket and U.S. Marines embroidered over the right pocket. she's wearing her man's shirt at work. she honors him for me.
life scares me so much, but then so does death. will i really be reunited with him? does God want to punish me for my sometimes wicked, selfish thoughts? i am so very tired of all this. all these thoughts that i cannot stop from running through my mind. all the worries i have that i quite literally cannot do anything about. Serenity Prayer aside, my worries are about survival.

i miss him fiercely. i miss him being there to tell me it's all going to be alright. i miss him holding my hand. i miss sleeping next to him. i miss sleeping almost under him. he was so warm.

i keep thinking about what Betty White said. when she dies and goes to Heaven she hopes God says, "come in, Betty. here's Alan."

i want God to say, "come on in, Bunny. here's....." and then my Dragon interrupts God {no offense God} and says, "aww Babe, i've missed you. come on. i've found a great place by the ocean. there's a big quilt on the sand for us. let's go lay down together and let you take a nap. i know you must be tired. i've been watching over you. i know what you've been through. after your nap i'm going to show you all around. it's wonderful up here." and i look back and God and He's smiling at me, like He loves me or something, and is happy i'm finally home.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry your so sad, I am sorry your alone, I am sorry your husband died...I am glad you WILL be together again in ETERNITY.

Joy, Atlanta GA

Jules said...

I have been following your blog for so long. Two years I think. I subscribed to the RSS feed with google so that I never miss a post. But I almost never leave comments. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. Your pain at times seems so palpable to me that I just want to hug you and tell you that it will be ok. But I've never been through what you're going through. And I don't know if it will. I wonder if you'll remember me. I found your blog because I was going through a rough time with my husband. And something that I googled (I don't remember what now) led me to you. I wanted the connection you had with your dragon so bad, but I didn't have it. I still don't honestly. But I emailed you and told you a bit about me. And you helped me. And I am still with my husband, and we are much happier now. I am much happier now. And I still read this blog. All the time. I pray for you. For financial blessings and for peace. By the way, the song that keeps playing at work? I believe it is Mine by Taylor Swift: And wow does it ever seem appropriate for you and your Dragon.

abandonedsouls said...

hello, Joy. thank you for your thoughts, especially the one about Eternity.

Jules, i do very much remember you and have hoped that things got better. i am glad that you are happier. i'll go look up that song and watch the video. thank you for commenting.

peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve.

Debbie said...

Hi Susan,
I heard the Betty White quote last week and I was also touched by it and immediately thought about what it will be like. It's a quote that only a widow would immediately identify with and imagine the exact same thing. I think the end of that quote was that she was just putting in time on Earth until it was time to be reunited with her Alan. I hope that eventually we all get to the place that we can have as much fun as she seems to be having while putting in time. But I'll bet at night she's the same as the rest of us, just a wife missing the love of her life. Sigh...

I love the castle canopy and lights by the way :) Peace right back at ya!! I'm going to check out the song too.

abandonedsouls said...

i think Betty is just like us, waiting, and trying to have a good time, collecting stories to tell her Alan when they are reunited. love hearing from you Debbie. wish we lived closer. peace.

judemiller1 said...

When the heart doctor said I could live another 20 years, I responded--who wants to live that long all alone. he said, that sounds like depression and I replied, "No--that sounds like reality!" I especially miss the voice and...the one person I want to talk to about all of this, because we were together 24/7 and talked about everything, is not here.

Sandy said...

Susan - The loves of our lives are waiting for us. Meanwhile we must do what we can to squeeze happiness out of our lives here. I always read your blogs....eventually (been busy at work lately)

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