how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, February 9, 2012


see that main photo up there? that's Beach Bunny with her Home Buns. {omgosh i can't believe i typed that. it's the antibiotic talking. and the hot tea. and the mist from the humidifier. and the, oh give it up. i'm just a silly woman who loves her Bunny and the comfort that she brings.}

Bunny came back from work to find flowers from SSSF, his new fiancee, and his daughter. thank you. she was dragging her weary white tail up the stairs to her door in the fading light and there they sat.

bright. cheerful. but more importantly, they were whispering that someone remembered and understands.
Bunny got lots of very nice comments on her Facebook posting about what yesterday and today means to her.

she's moody tonight. teary.

yep, very teary, but not breaking down into sobs.

see that photo below? he was laughing at Bunny. and he was signing. "i love you." he could tell i was zooming in on him. he was just back from being "out-of-town." his stomach was all bandaged up from being shot. such a Marine. he called it being "nicked." "hi, honey. i'm on my way home. got the job done. oh, got nicked. nothing major."
he was so happy to be home. he was so funny when he was mending. "it's not as bad as it looks. i've had worse done. well, you remember last fall." {yeah, Baby, i do. and i love you so much. now just rest and i'm going out to take these shots for the magazine. they've already paid me for them. i need them off by Sunday.} "wait up. i'm coming with you."

so i told him to just stand up on the rocks while i went down to where i needed to set up the tripod. and there he was. enjoying the day. enjoying being home with me beside the ocean.

enjoying being alive.

and now he is the shadow man of my dreams. he is the rising sun and the setting sun. he is the moon at night and the stars in the sky. he is the wind in my hair and the warmth of the day on my skin. he is the end all be all of my life.
he is my Dragon and i am forever his.


Sandy said...

I have been thinking about you the past couple of days. I know what a hard time these anniversaries can be. He has such a warm smile. xoxo

judemiller1 said...

Such a cute guy!!! I hate the "anniversary" kind of days. No roses for me this 14th--and you left with the memories of that day. Bah Humbug for Valentine's Day!!!

Post a Comment