how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

it's a mad world

so 3 years has come and gone. 3 years.

Valentine's Day has passed. it was hard.

i worked a long day and came home thinking about him, remembering that 3 years ago i was on the road to here,
from there.

my daughter was driving me away from home to here, which is supposed to be home,
and in certain ways it is,
but in the most elemental, most meaningful way,

it is not.

i realize i am searching for home. i search for it online with pictures of places i would like to live in, decorating that i would do. i find places i can only dream about.
i check out magazines that have pictures of houses and rooms i want to live in.

i see beds i'd like to sleep in.

i sometimes think, "i could do this better, do life better, if i had a bit more money. i could endure this without him if i had my own home."

i want to paint walls and spread out a little more than i can in this one bedroom apartment.

i want, i want, i want. i desire things. but they are all beyond my reach so i dream and cut photos and take pictures off the 'net to keep,
and look at,
and dream.

it's crazy out there in the real world. i have to be alert and focused and happy, happy, upbeat at work. but when i get home, i let myself collapse. i am tired. there are some very odd people out there. there are some different parenting styles that make me weep for the world.

today ~
a child wanted to stuff his bear right at that minute. there were two girls in front of him. i told him he was next. he said he wanted the two girls to die right then. he was 5. this is the second time this has happened this month.

today ~
a parent could not control her daughter who screamed for everything. screamed at decibel levels that went through everyone's collective heads like a nail. everyone vanished and i was left to deal with them. they drove other guests from the store. the mother was harried. she pleaded with her child to stop "being so bad." the child screamed, and i quote, "you have a boyfriend. i'll tell daddy." this child ran and ran and ran through the store tearing it apart.
i admit. i could not take it anymore. so i stood in front of the child and blocked her. she ran into me. it hurt. it stopped her long enough for me to say, "stop running. you'll fall. and now that i have your attention, do not throw out things on the floor."
she cursed me out, ran off to the back of the store laughing.
i turned to the mother and said, "you need to leave our store. your daughter has driven all our guests from the store. the store is a shambles. if you do not leave i will have to call security."
the mother took her child by the arm and left the store. it took me and another girl 45 minutes to set to rights what this child tore up. she was 12.

today ~
a parent rewarded her son for finally getting out of diapers. she said he liked being taken care of and that it had been a struggle for her to get him to want to be independent. i was a little taken aback. the boy smirked, yes, i deliberately chose that word, he smirked and said, "why should i do it when she was gonna do it for me." the boy is turning 8 in May.

today ~
a grandfather scared one of the young women who works at the store to death by threatening her job for not getting the coupon he had given her to go through the register. i heard the threats and went straight over and told the girl she could go take a quick break. i took the coupon and checked it to see why it would not run. it had expired in 2010. i told the man and he said, "run it again." i said, "no, sir. it will not run if i ran it 10,000 times. it has expired and the software won't accept it."
"give me my discount."
"no, sir. i cannot."
"i will get you fired."
"no, sir. you cannot. what i will do for you is give you another coupon worth $5. it's not the $10 off you want, but what i will also do for you is NOT call mall security and tell them you used physical and verbal intimidation on a 20 year old girl. do you accept these terms?"
he did. the grandfather turned to his grandson and said, "that's how you have to treat these women. see? grandpa got you $5 off."

it was a tough day today with some very difficult people. it's no wonder that i don't come back here and dream of a place that's all my own, a place i can say reflects my soul.

i miss him. i wonder when i'll feel stronger, or less tired at the end of my work day. when i finally crawl into bed, i am utterly defeated and exhausted. but i do have my moments of bliss. a new bunny is coming out. looking forward to that. getting the surprise visit from Lucy. the flowers from SSSF. my son surprise calling me on the phone in the middle of the week. sitting down crying only to have my two dogs leap up into my lap and stare at me, paw at me, and lick my face.

i miss him and i wonder,
if he could see me,
from wherever he is,
what would he think of me now?


Jules said...

For the rest of humanity, let me apologize for the terrible people you're having to deal with. :(

Sandy said...

Geesh, I am so grateful that I don't work in retail. That has to be exhausting!

Anonymous said...

...he would be extremely PROUD.

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