time is passing and things are happening to me, changing. his death turned me into a different person. i am still becoming a different person. i am a weaker version of who i was before i met him and had to protect my children. i am protecting me by working so very hard, trying so very hard to be the best at my job, so they let me keep it. it's my only income and i cannot be a burden to my children, not yet.
but i still miss him. i wish i still lived by the ocean where we lived together.
i wonder if i had had the money, how it would feel, how it would be, to have stayed there by myself.
i know i would have walked to all the places we went together. i would have take hundreds of thousands of pictures only....only none of them would have had him in them anymore. no more pictures of my Dragon. oh, God, even typing it has made me teary.
you have to know, i thought he was so incredibly handsome. he was so beautiful to me. and his eyes, the windows to his soul, my breath always caught. i love him and i wish i knew if, where he is, he still loves me. we all tell each other, and i know i've said this before, but we all tell each other that they are waiting for us. but the truth is, none of us know. we won't know until it happens to us.
i went to the eye doctor today with my daughter.. i have insurance finally so i ordered a pair of frames, blue plastic rather than the boring wire frames i've always worn. my daughter helped me pick them out. i wanted something so very different. the lens are Crizal, the anti-glare, and Transitions, so that they are like built in sunglasses. all the bells and whistles. driving back to my place with my daughter, i told her, "i bet he would like them. he'd say they were snazzy." she agreed. "mom, he loves you know matter what."
we looked at each other at the fact that she still used the present tense. then she said firmly while nodding, "he loves you."
i just sort of smiled.
i torture myself with fantasies. i find interiors and exteriors and take pictures of them. like, i'd love a library like this one.
and a living room like this one.
a new widow has found me. she writes to me in my private email. she said she didn't know how i had done this for 3 years. i told her to not gage herself by me. compared to others, i am an epic fail. some have moved on to other loves and marriages. some have grown so independent. i struggle day-to-day and count myself enormously successful to have become an assistant manager of a bear store. and when i take care of replacing a hard drive in my computer all by myself, without needing my daughter to step in, i feel like i'm sort of coming back.
and yet, i still wish he were here with me. i wish he could see me now, smile that smile, open his arms and say, "come here, my Bunny babe."
i wish he could see my snazzy new glasses when they are ready.
extinguish thou my eyes. i still can see thee.
deprive my ears of sound. i can still hear thee.
and without feet i still can come to thee.
and without voice i still can call to thee.
sever my arms from me. i still will hold thee
with all my heart as with a single hand.
arrest my heart, my brain will keep on beating
and should thy fire at last my brain consume,
the flowing of my blood will carry thee.