how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

"extinguish thou my eyes"

time is passing and things are happening to me, changing.  his death turned me into a different person.  i am still becoming a different person.  i am a weaker version of who i was before i met him and had to protect my children.  i am protecting me by working so very hard, trying so very hard to be the best at my job, so they let me keep it.  it's my only income and i cannot be a burden to my children, not yet.

but i still miss him.  i wish i still lived by the ocean where we lived together.

i wonder if i had had the money, how it would feel, how it would be, to have stayed there by myself.

 i know i would have walked to all the places we went together.  i would have take hundreds of thousands of pictures only....only none of them would have had him in them anymore.  no more pictures of my Dragon.  oh, God, even typing it has made me teary.

you have to know, i thought he was so incredibly handsome.  he was so beautiful to me.  and his eyes, the windows to his soul, my breath always caught.  i love him and i wish i knew if, where he is, he still loves me.  we all tell each other, and i know i've said this before, but we all tell each other that they are waiting for us.  but the truth is, none of us know.  we won't know until it happens to us.

i went to the eye doctor today with my daughter..  i have insurance finally so i ordered a pair of frames, blue plastic rather than the boring wire frames i've always worn.  my daughter helped me pick them out.  i wanted something so very different.  the lens are Crizal, the anti-glare, and Transitions, so that they are like built in sunglasses.  all the bells and whistles.  driving back to my place with my daughter, i told her, "i bet he would like them.  he'd say they were snazzy."  she agreed.  "mom, he loves you know matter what."

we looked at each other at the fact that she still used the present tense.  then she said firmly while nodding, "he loves you."

i just sort of smiled. 
i torture myself with fantasies.  i find interiors and exteriors and take pictures of them.  like, i'd love a library like this one.

and a living room like this one. 

a new widow has found me.  she writes to me in my private email.  she said she didn't know how i had done this for 3 years.  i told her to not gage herself by me.  compared to others, i am an epic fail.  some have moved on to other loves and marriages.  some have grown so independent.  i struggle day-to-day and count myself enormously successful to have become an assistant manager of a bear store.  and when i take care of replacing a hard drive in my computer all by myself, without needing my daughter to step in, i feel like i'm sort of coming back.

and yet, i still wish he were here with me.  i wish he could see me now, smile that smile, open his arms and say, "come here, my Bunny babe."

i wish he could see my snazzy new glasses when they are ready.


extinguish thou my eyes.  i still can see thee.
deprive my ears of sound.  i can still hear thee.
and without feet i still can come to thee.
and without voice i still can call to thee.

sever my arms from me.  i still will hold thee
with all my heart as with a single hand.
arrest my heart, my brain will keep on beating
and should thy fire at last my brain consume,
the flowing of my blood will carry thee.



Boo said...

NO, in my heart you are no epic fail. You have persevered what ... just a few things come to mind in a nano-second ... pneumonia, diabetes, moving, Voldemort, nasty nasty horrid money grabbing widows, two car catastrophes, moving, sewing with a broken hand and no medicine other than a frozen can of concentrated orange juice, xmas alone, thanksgiving alone. I could go on ... yet you have created a home for yourself, got a job, got a big promotion, sent hope and magic across this planet with Bunny, made a speech at your little girl's wedding, not to mention sewed a magical carpet for her to grace her cinderella slippers upon, held my hand through Christmas eve ... when I seriously doubted my sanity, retained your dignity and diplomacy where I would have cut awful parents in half with my tongue ... and found empathy in your deepest pain to soothe those who come to find a bear/bunny with a soul and heart. Even managed not to guffaw when a grandma shouted - "don't you want to give your bear a blow job????"

Again, I could go on.

I actually clicked on "comment" simply to say that I agree. He LOVES YOU. STILL. And sure, he'd love your slick new eyewear (please share pic :-) but, something tells me he'd be looking at what's behind them. Into your eyes and your heart and soul. To see the love.


And, I think .... hmmmm = know = have made my mind up WHATEVER ... when you have the time ... when I've moved ... I'll be sending a box via DHL which will have the words, "Susan / Memory Quilt" on it in black felt tip. You'll receive this by end of 2012 ... and no pressure ... I'd be honoured for you to care for my soul mate's clothes xxx

Sandy said...

Susan - First, I love the new blog design. Secondly, you are far from an epic failure for good grief. You have moved forward in many, many ways. See above comment. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. Moving on to a new relationship does not make one a success. You are fine Susan. I see growth in you.

Rose said...

This is my first comment on here although I have followed you since October 2009 when my husband died. He had been having heart problems for some time and finally had heart surgery, he came through the surgery but died two days later in the middle of the night. I had stayed with him all the time but that night I was so tired I went home to sleep, I should have stayed and been with him, he told me he did not want to die alone and I left. I woke at 3:15 and was going to call to see how he was but didn't. The phone rang 10 minutes later telling me to come as quickly as I could. They tried to save him but couldn't. My life ended that night with his.
I do have children and grandchildren close and cannot begin to imagine how it must be to not have anyone near to be with you. Still the the emptyness I feel can never be replaced. We didn't have many friends, my son says we were lonely people, no we were just alone together, that was all we needed.
You have helped me so much without even knowing me. Your words described exactly what I was feeling & it helped having someone able to put those feelings & thoughts into words. I visit your blogs often & still get so much comfort from your words, I wish I could give something back to you. All I can say is THANK YOU & please keep this going, you are helping so many others.

Boo said...

my stupid phone is broken. If my car passes MOT test today, I will be able to collect replacement and phone you. These past two weeks my car has been off the road, my phone broke and I lost broadband too. Umbilical cord = severed :-(

Want to call you!!!

abandonedsouls said...

Boo, you made me laugh with the bear blow job. in my melancholia i had forgotten it. your list. i guess i have survived a lot.

Sandy, thank you. i think i need to be kinder to myself; see more of what i have accomplished on my own.

Rose, i am so very sorry for your loss. i wish peace for you. i am humbled that my late night ravings and lamentations here have brought you some comfort. i cannot tell anyone how to grieve, but i can talk about one Bunny who is doing it all alone {with her two children} and a little help from people online, like you.

Boo, my phone number has changed. i dropped magicjack. i am on my son's plan. i'll private message through FB my new number and my work schedule.

love and peace to all who read. love, peace, and light to all who grieve.

Boo said...

ok my friend, am still without car and phone :-(

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