how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, May 14, 2012

and the roller coaster car goes down.....

one metaphor for grief is a roller coaster.  the ride goes up.  good days.  the ride goes down.  bad days.

i'm having bad days recently.

i thought the new position and better pay would give me relief.  it has.  but relief is not the same thing as a good day.  i need a good day.

i need to trust things, life, myself.

i need to trust that a good day doesn't have to be defined as having nothing go wrong, like a hard drive crash, or a tail light go out on my car.  i fixed both those problems.

a bad day, or time, isn't defined as not having a day in this month's work schedule to see my daughter.  we just talk on the phone every night.  i'll see her next month.

but i am having a bad time of late.  i miss my son.  haven't seen him a long, long while.  we talk once a week, text all the time.  he loves me.  my new cell phone is on his family plan.  he pays.  i talk.  saying that makes me smile.  i am on his family plan.  he sent me two dozen roses for mother's day.

but i miss him.  and i miss my daughter. 

and i miss my husband.

"one of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don't come home at night."  Margaret Mead.

this has been making me teary of late.  i'm sleeping more on my time off.  sleeping too much.  i'm just tired.  now am i tired because my foot hurts so damn much?  or am i tired because of this new 40 week and all the work i do during those hours, and the paperwork i bring home with me?

or am i tired because i miss these 3 people so very much and i need a brief visit with my son?  will i feel better if i can have one consistent day off to see my daughter like i did before?

i need their humor.  i need their fun.  i need to laugh.  i need human contact with people who know me, care about me, and love me.  screw finding a friend.  i need my children.

i wish i could spend one more day with my Dragon.  yeah, i went there.

 my kids never fail to make me laugh.

my husband always made me feel loved.  he was always touching me.  i miss that.

so, for right now, my roller coaster car is on a downward track.  i'm sure, eventually, it will come back up.  until then.........well, i gotta get to work.

thanks for reading/listening.  peace to all who read.  peace and light to all who grieve.


megan said...

relief is not the same thing as a good day -


Debbie said...

I could live there too. Wow.

I sure get it. Missing his touch. That's on my mind constantly.

I hope you get some time with your children soon. Time with those wonderful people we've nurtured and protected and cheered on over the years - there's nothing like it. I'm at the stage where my teenagers are pulling away into independence and while it's so rewarding to watch, I can feel my heart strings being pulled constantly.

Peace and light to you too. Have a good week.

Sandy said...

Oh Susan, I understand the roller coaster ride. I for one do not wish for one more day with my TJ. I don't think my heart could take the loss of him again.

Cathy said...

"one of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don't come home at night." Margaret Mead.

I feel I matter less w/o my husband, no one to love sure knocks you down a notch or two. And that physical touch, how do you go on without it? I crave it so much these days.

Hope your ride takes you up soon. My son is in Hanoi teaching, hoping he makes it home this summer but we'll see. I understand he has a life, but miss him as you miss yours. Some days I don't think there will be an "up" again.

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