how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

it's a mad, strange world

i told you it was coming; a blog about my observations of people.  they think others don't see them, really "see."  but i do.  people are downright scary at times, and they are raising children.

there is a play area just outside the store.  lots of people go and sit there for hours as their children play on the huge plastic, fiberglass, whatever those things are that they crawl around on and under and go through.  okay, that was a long sentence and you might have missed the one operative word.  they sit there for HOURS.  i know this because their little ones "escape" the play enclosure without their noticing, come running barefoot into the store, and create chaos.  they grab bears, bears in strollers, and rush out of the store.  they grab merchandise and run out of the store with fist fulls of sounds, arms full of clothes, you name it, they grab it.  we have to chase them down to get it back.  their parents?  no help.  i've had children, babies as young as 3 call me a fucking bitch when i explain that the bear lives in the store and doesn't want to leave.  i've been slapped, kicked, punched, pinched, and shoved.  i've been cursed at by babies who should not have those words at disposal in their vocabulary.  little boys come in and sniff girl bear panties.  little boys come in and put their fingers through the hole where the bear/bunny/monkey/etc. tail goes through and waggle it calling it their dick.  and it is the same children over and over, for HOURS.  when i say HOURS i mean upwards of 6 hours. 

i can go in to prep the store, be there as much as 45 minutes before the mall stores open, and there are people with their children already there.  i close the doors at 9 PM.  people are still there.  i have closed the doors, settled the financials, restocked, gone to the back, done the paperwork, turned off the lights and have come out to leave and suddenly, at 9:15, 9:20 they want a bear because at 2 PM they had promised little Joey or little Jane that they could have a $10 bear before they went home from "playing at the mall."  i have to tell them that we are closed.  the parents get in my face and scream at me, invade my personal space and crowd me against my locked store doors.  their children slap me, kick, punch, pinch, and shove me.  and yes, i have used my cell and called mall security.  guess what?  they are on rounds and someone will be by "eventually."  so i have to endure.  i ease around these people who are screaming at me that their "poor baby wants a bear.  how can you be so fucking heartless?  we've been out there since 1 or so and all they've been wanting for all these hours is a little bear.  open the store and give them one.  open the store and we'll buy a bunch of stuff.  you heartless bitch!  how you can deprive my child of a bear!?"  as i walk i am sometimes shoved in the back.  i keep my head up and my eyes are scanning so that my peripheral catches if they become more violent.  i glance at all the other closed and dark store windows to see their reflections.  how close to me are they?  are their arms up in an aggressive way that might mean contact with my body?  once i get to the mall door i leave from, and see the darkness outside, i tremgble for fear that they will follow me out there and do something that no one will see, or get on camera, at least.

and yes, sometimes i go back into the store and hide.  and wait.  and yes, they do this in front of their children.  "tell her how much you want a bear.  tell her she's making you cry.  tell her she's a fucking c***."  and their babies, for once all day long, obey. 

for the actual shoppers inside the store during working hours, nothing has changed from past stories i've written about.  i've seen children say and do and act in ways my children never would have even thought of much less that i would have had to correct their behavior.  these children come from some part of hell and are actually living among us, and will eventually grow up to breed, and vote, and, for bear's sake, maybe run for office themselves and be in charge of something, of us.

boy comes in and buys a bear for his girlfriend because he used his knife to decapitate her other bear.  why?  her mother called her when he was talking to her and he got "fucking po'ed."  how old was the boy and girl that she was out carrying around her favorite teddy bear?  9.  yes, he had the blade on him.  while he was still in the store i called security about a concealed weapon.  "there's nothing we can do about it unless we see it."

little girl celebrating her 8th birthday came in with her older sister, 11, and her boyfriend, 17.  i was shocked, too.  the girls both looked like teenagers.  halter tops, booty shorts, makeup, and fake tattoos.  the 11-year old and the 17-year old were making out like, well, inappropriately.  the 8-year old wanted to make her bear look like Rhianna so she bought a shirt, panties, heels, a crown and wand, and no skirt or pants.  "she's a slut like Rhianna and she's gonna make millions."

parents come in and sit down and let their children run around the store.  they literally sit and watch their child run the store as if it were a racetrack.  "i'm sorry, he just needs to blow off a little steam."  i say, "there's a play area just outside this store.  you can't miss it.  he could run out there."  they smile as if i am new to this planet and tell me, "no, he is going to do it in here.  there's too many kids out there and he won't have the freedom to run like he can in here.  you don't have to helps us.  we're not buying anything.  he's just going to run."  this first time i let it go and watched.  the store wasn't busy.  he ran for 20 minutes full on pedal to the metal like a crazy person.  then he started screaming and smiling.  he started smiling with his lips pulled back in a jack-o-lantern gash with saliva coming out of his mouth.  it was like something from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."  i looked over at this parents and they smiled and said, "there it is, he's almost done."  i looked back at the little boy and as he was coming back around facing me again, his palm was rubbing the front of his pants.  harder and harder.  fast and faster.  suddenly the dad grabs the boy and picks him up and takes him to the bathroom.

the next time the people came in, i told them they could not.  we fortunately had too many people in the store at the time.  the woman was pissed and the dad incredulous.  "he's really good at this.  there's not that many people in there.  he won't run into anyone."  i told them that the child had no way of knowing which way a guest in our store would pivot and turn at a moments notice.  i said it was not safe to do this at this time.  in my head i was thinking, how do i keep them out of the store forever, when the dad opened the darkest door and actually said it out loud.  "but he likes masturbating in here and he really needs to today."  both parents looked at me expectantly, as if i should just accept that this was the way of the world.  i said, "i am sorry but we are expecting a party of 20 little girls in here in 10 minutes {and we truly were} and i cannot have your son running frantically around the store masturbating.  one of the fathers of the little girls might not see public masturbation as acceptable and i have to consider all our guests' feelings."  the parents suddenly seemed to understand.  "oh, right, yeah, some people are just crazy."

yeah, some people are.  and others are just plain evil.

tidbits i've overheard.  "if you sleep with your stepbrother again, we're breaking up."

"i'm getting you everything you want and don't ask me for anything else.  now tomorrow i'm having the dog put down so this stuffed one is your new dog.  remember, everything you want so shut up crying.  no, of course not.  don't be stupid.  dogs don't go to Heaven."

"if mommy's boyfriend touches you again, let me know, okay?"

father to his 4-month old daughter:  "yeah, you're a little bitch, aren't you?  you're daddy's little bitch."

said to me directly:  "i'm divorced from their mother.  i've got some calls to make so i'm gonna be over here.  fill the baskets up with whatever they want.  i don't care what it costs.  make them love me more than her."

now it's time for gentle little Bunny to go shower, eat breakfast, get in the car, and drive to work.  along the route i will listen to the car radio, and quite possibly weep for the world.


Lonesome Dove said...

Unfreakingbelievable!!!!! I am so sorry that you have to deal with these people. I am truly afraid for you.....and the human race. Be safe! And DO NOT allow them to touch you! Get a stun gun or mace.

Sandy said...

I don't like kids...never had. That is why I didn't have any. I could never work where you do. I would be positively insane!

Jules said...

I agree with Lonesome Dove. You are truly working with the bottom of the barrel there. I am so sorry your'e having to deal with that.

And Sandy, it isn't the kids. It's the parents. Parents just don't... well they don't parent like they used to. And society suffers because there is a generation growing up who have no idea what is and is not acceptable behavior.

Janine said...

Joining you in weeping for the world.

Suzann said...

Oh my god - my heart is breaking for you and for those children. I echo Janine - I weep for the world. Take care of you, please, please, please.

Anonymous said...

I have not posted to your site before but feel compelled to do so now. I don't know where you live but I honestly am shocked & devastated to read what you have dealt with. I have two children...a girl (age 6) and a boy (age 3) & I can assure you that this type of behavior would NEVER be tolerated by either myself or my children. Have hope...there are many parents that are raising their children to be honest, kind & loving people. We were just at a store like yours last week for my daughter's Daisy Scout troop. My son came along and said "please" and "thank you" to the girls that helped him pick out a bear. My daughter's troop cleaned up their mess and hugged the girl who helped them, and the parents took pictures. As a parent, if I saw a child running around masterbating, I would've contacted security myself! How disturbing! Be strong! You don't deserve this treatment nor do the people in your store...

3SF said...

Unfortunately these stories are all-too-familiar to me. I am amazed by what I see in public, but it's the stories of the children I TEACH that really break my heart. The ratio of bad:good has increased to a level near 50% and it IS largely due to a lack of parenting. I'm still amazed that you have to have a license to get married, but almost any two idiots can produce a child!

Post a Comment