how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Bunny's Pinning !! ~ and bad days still

Bunny is pinning.  hope you follow her.  she likes to see that, those numbers.  she likes to see if anyone notices her.  lets make Bunny's numbers go up and up.  she pinning some pretty good stuff.  *tease tease* she's an awful interesting Bun.

bad days still.  the Bun is so very tired.  did she tell you?  she fell down.  her knee is broken.  little chips floating around inside her knee.  she needs arthroscopic surgery.  she's got to figure this out.  yes, she has insurance now but it's the time.  she won't be paid for any days off.  she needs that paycheck.  so she's gonna try to figure out a way for her to have a couple of days off side-by-side to have the surgery and recuperate.  then take a "honey day" - bear language for a paid day off - to do some more resting.  3 days should do it.  after all, didn't that 14-year old Olympic gymnast have it done and performed the next day?  Bunny is just as spry as a 14-year old Olympic gymnast.  right?  okay, but at least admit she has the heart of one, the determination to withstand the pain to do it.  not the Olympics but at least have the surgery and then get up and get her little Bunny self back to work.

so she's thinking, knee first, then foot.  *very heavy sigh*

it's been 4 weeks since her work schedule and her daughter's work schedule worked out for them to get together.  that's a long time to not see a friendly face.

which brings Bunny to the teaser that she's working on a blog entry about the human condition, the humans she sees at work.  Lordy Lord Lord, there are some freaky people out there.  and she thought the other mall had some strangers.  she's met some real nutcases at this mall.  come back and check soon as she's got to tell you about this.

this morning Bunny woke up and was hurting so badly she cried.  not out of grief.  not out of loneliness.  just in physical pain.  and then the grief hit her.  she wanted an apple and cinnamon toast.  so she called out her Dragon's name.  so thoughtless.  so cruel that Bunny.  but she didn't know.  she just didn't know Miss Carmen Sophia the Wild Gypsy Girl and Mr. Scootie Wootums Lord of the Dance with the Stardust Eyes would react so.

Bunny called out her Dragon's name and both dogs instantly sat up in bed.  they jerked there gazes to the bedroom door waiting for him to come in to the bedroom to us.  i tried to hug them.  they kept pulling away to keep their eyes on that door.  stupid Bunny.  it's been 3 years, but it's Dragon!  of course they don't really understand.  they are loyal and faithful.  they are waiting for him to come back. 

Bunny cried.  and they forgave her and licked her face and cuddled with her.  Bunny felt she didn't deserve it at all.

see?  bad days still.


Debbie said...

Wishing you peace and pain free days. You're better than a 14 year old gymnast! Have fun pinning. I did it for a little while but just don't have time to keep up with it. But it does look like fun. Take care. Hope you get to see your daughter soon!

Jules said...

I tried to email you and check on you. My email was returned. I dunno how to check up on you :/ I hope things take an upturn for you soon. You do deserve it.

Sandy said...

I signed up for pinterest but just couldn't get into it. Of course you are still having bad days. I think that is completely normal. But it does sound like the bad days are further and further between.

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