i am living as a quasi-hermit. i go to work and deal with people all through my shift. then i turn the smile off and get myself back to my place, shut the door, and check out of life. i haven't had time to try and find any outside for me. i am too tired. i hurt too much. i sit and work on my other job. i sit and sew for someone else. my daughter checks in every day; my son checks in every other day. but i see no one else.
i do not have a friend to talk to. i have given up finding a counselor. i have tried so many times and they all leave. i am the common denominator so it has to be me. i am not someone to be friends with.
and yet, at work, i can pull it off. strangers adore me. i make people laugh. i relate to them and pull them out of themselves. i can get someone to spill their secrets inside of 30 seconds and then give them a heart ceremony to remember forever, to bring them back to me at the store time and time again and ask for me. i cannot get someone to stay in my life as a friend for longer than a couple of months. duration? do i wear people out? is that what happened to my Dragon? did he wear out?
i've hit a road block in the journey. i need him back to talk to me. i haven't told anyone, well, one person i told, actually told in an email. this road block is a big deal to me and i don't know what to do with it.
my brother died.
yeah, i was once someone's sister. and he abandoned me because i didn't have money to give him to help him pay for his twins' college tuition. i just didn't have it and he got mad. he stopped speaking to me. when i lost my Dragon, he hung up on me. almost 2 weeks ago, my sister-in-law emailed me to call her. i called. my brother had died. he had not wanted to have contact with me, even while knowing he was going to die. i was not worth it.
my sister-in-law did not understand why my brother was so harsh. she had encouraged him to get in touch with me. she was very sorry, but, oddly enough she did not wish any further contact. apparently she and my brother had marital troubles and she has a new boyfriend. such is my life.
what death takes away
no man can restore.
what death takes away, we can never have again. we can never have answers to our questions. we can never have an understanding of the relationship. we can never find out what went wrong, or why, or how it could have gotten so far away from us. and lastly, death takes away any chance at a resolution which, without that person, we may never find.
i need to talk to someone who loves me and can respond to me with clarity and logic. my daughter called him an asshole. my son, pretty much the same. my Dragon would have walked over to me and embraced me while i cried. he would have let me talk, vent, rage about the insane injustice, about the wasted years. and then he, in that low gentle voice of his, he would have gone over why the failure was not my fault. he would have held me and caressed my hair. he would have let me taken the time to grieve; to talk about it over and over until i accepted that there will never be a resolution to this.
i did ask my doctor about my melancholia/depression. he asked me some very hard questions. he said he felt i had a healthy view of my husband's death and of my life since. he said i was logical, rational, and taking care of myself. i am holding down a job in which i got a promotion in record time. he said i had a deep bond with my husband. he said that it was not unheard of but rare enough to make people wonder at it. he admitted to me that i probably would not ever be effervescently gleeful again, but then few people really are and to not worry. bottom line, i do not need medication. i am handling my grief appropriately. he said to keep writing about what moves me. he believes it is best that i continue finding time to be creative in whatever medium i need to ~ writing, photography, sewing, etc. i told him i always would. i will always miss my Dragon. it has been 3 years, 4 months. time has not dimmed the ache.
the male bird stayed with his dead mate for two weeks. that is a long time for an animal that most people claim does not have a soul, does not even have feelings, to grieve and mourn. it was also a remarkable testament to the average, everyday person to notice something extraordinary in nature. no one tried to get the male to move on. they did encourage him to take care of himself. how the male bird passed is a mystery to the photographer and now to me, and you. but his remains were taken care of respectfully.
i don't sit beside my Dragon's urn. i don't sit and mourn, cry, and not go out. i work. i laugh. i try very hard to endear myself to strangers. strangers are all that like me well enough. i am fantastic, intelligent, wonderful, incredible in small doses. but for the long haul, only my Dragon.
only my Dragon.
only my Dragon.
what death takes away..........
the further away the tides of time take me from the sound of his voice, and the warmth of his touch, i have to be honest and say, i have no earthly clue why he loved me. and now, i never will.