how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, June 7, 2012


there was a comment left on my last posting, one about finding love.  and she knows there will never be anyone but my Dragon.  no, she wrote to me about finding my love of life again.

i used to love life so much; the moon, the sky, dogs walking along the road or the beach on some private doggy agenda, seeing the gulls fly overhead, standing on a bluff overlooking Gloucester Harbor on a frigid New Year's Day watching a dory sail safely home with a huge Nor'easter on his stern.

i used to love life so much.  there are the wonderful smells of fresh flowers and fresh salt air, and horses, friendly horses who love to have their manes finger-combed and their ears scratched, and kisses put on the velvety end of their noses.

but i need to get outside.  the things that make me happy, that make my soul sing are all outside.  i don't like shopping.  i don't care that much about going to the movies.  dining out is nice but it doesn't make me feel alive.  it doesn't make my heart feel any joy.  walks do.  long walks around places that have spirit, natural beauty; place where others have found some kind of meaning to life.....
there are little public parks and walkways around here but they bustle with runners and joggers and are filled with smoke.  yeah, a lot of the runners and joggers here smoke, or chew and spit.  there's tobacco juice stains all around the paths.  that odor rising in the heat doesn't lend itself to meditation.

but i saw a touch of beauty yesterday morning while making that long drive to work.  it gets a little bit rural and there are stands of trees.  the morning sky had low clouds from heavy rains the night before but they were lifting with the sun.  and i saw fog, or clouds......wisps of white moisture rising to the sky like spirits on their way home.

they glistened and shined and swirled like gentle whirlwinds.  and i swear that one of them, for a moment, looked like a dragon.  the whole scene was ethereally beautiful.  they thinned out as they climbed to the sky and then disappeared into the Heavens.  i was in awe and wished i had had my camera.  but i know i will remember this bit of visual magic and mystery for a long time.

this vision and what someone wrote to me about maybe finding my love of life again has me knowing i need to find the outside again.  i need to find a place where i can be away from people.  i want to walk and be with the things that are free and simple and naturally beautiful.

grief has almost killed me.  his death has left me staggering under the weight of knowing i'll never have him back again.  but nature is still out there.  the outside is still there waiting for me.  i'm going to go outside and find it.

and who knows, maybe i'll feel my Dragon's love better with a freer mind.


Sandy said...

Oh Susan, this is such a positive move for you. I too enjoy the outdoors. I just spent the weekend at my property in SE Arizona. It was wonderful to be away from civilization for the weekend. Lots of time to reflect. Search the internet for maybe some public gardens and such in your area. I have not doubt you will find someplace that speaks to you and brings you some much needed and deserved peace. Much love to you my dear friend.

Sandi said...

I have just started reading your blog and it touches what is left of my heart. I lost my husband nearly a year ago (June 30). I am so sad for us.

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