how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, June 28, 2012


i am really in  rough place.  i know the reasons.  can't, no, won't tell you.  i don't think it really matters anyway to anyone but me.  just know i am in a rough place.  but i am still here.  won't quit.

will never quit.

my Dragon never did, and he had been in some very rough places, actual, physical rough places and times.  'cuz, yeah, he was {is} a Marine.  those guys are sent to rough places and rough places stress you out.   my Dragon never gave up.  so i'm not.

i also have my two children, grown though they are.  never going to lay down and quit.

but i am low.  tearful.  exhausted.  worried.

a man my Dragon and i had gotten to know during out walks about Rockport was Paul St. Germain.  he is the president of the Thatcher Island Association.  he is also spearheading the renovations to the lightkeeper's house on my island, mine, as in all mine ~ Straitsmouth Island.  or as i like to call it, mine.

anyway, i opened email this morning and he had sent me 12 photographs of the island and the renovation that is going on.  i smiled.  so bittersweet.  he said if i ever get back up there he will take me out to my island.  we'd walk around and i could take pictures to my heart's content.  he said, "dawn to sunset.  the island will be yours for the day."  he said the town still and the island association still refer to it as my island.  they just remember all the hours i spent staring at that austere and secluded piece of real estate.  the lobstermen would be hurrying in and spy me out on the rocky point off Whale Cove at the start of the big nor'easters taking photos.  they would head in.  i was staying out there.

it's home to me.  and when you're in a rough place, all you can think about is going home.


Boo said...

Things, people, worries can all bring you right down to a dark rough place. Cliff taught me "never give up". And I shan't either. Even if I shutdown for a while and just say the words to myself ... and to him. And to you ...

You are a Marine's wife .... and if you ever wrote a blog post that shouts/breathes/encapsulates that ... it is this one <3

megan said...

As soon as you posted photos of it, I was thinkin g- well, now, they will need a lighthouse keeper, won't they, and you and the doggies would be perfect lighthouse keeper inhabitants. Maybe they will "install" you there? As a permanent post. That is what I am going to send them via thoughtwaves.

judemiller1 said...

I thought the same thing as megan!!!! Write and tell him you are applying for the job!!

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