how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, August 17, 2012

unanswerable questions

are you safe and happy?

do you miss me?

can you see me?

if so are you proud of me?

do you still love me?

i've lost so much weight; one third of what i used to weigh.

do you think i'm still pretty, or prettier?

my blonde hair has silver threads through it now.

do you think it looks like moonlight?

are you waiting for me?

can you come get me when it's my time to leave?

were you scared?

could you hear me and understand me?

did it make it easier?

do you know how much i love you?

is it okay for me to live like i am, loving you like i do?

you know i can't do it any other way because i love you so much.

remember what we had?  do you remember the way we were?

how can i live any other way than to live honoring you and simply being the way i am?

i guess that's all.

i miss you.

i wish you could go with me back to the doctor's on Monday.

i'm tired.

i love you.

i have to go to work now.

please watch over me if you're allowed to.


Sandy said...

The answers to all those questions are in your heart dear. You know. I know you know. Let me know what the doc says. xoxo

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