how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

tenth wedding anniversary

"Marriage is not a love affair. A love affair is a totally different thing. A marriage is a commitment to that which you are. That person is literally your other half. And you and the other are one. A love affair isn't that. That is a relationship of pleasure, and when it gets to be unpleasurable , its off. But a marriage is a life commitment, and a life commitment means the prime concern of your life. If marriage is not the prime concern, you are not married."
- Joseph Campbell

marriage is a sacrament.  it is our 10th wedding anniversary today.
happy anniversary, my love.

what we had, as i still feel it, and as i remember it, as i know it, goes even deeper that Joseph Campbell's words above.  after a mission he told me once, "you can look at me and know what hurts.  when i come back, you know exactly what to do and say to me.  they only ask for details.  they never think about what it does to me to do those things.  but you know.  you understand and care about me.  you know it all and you still love me and that's amazing."

i said to him, "you deserve better than what you've been allowed to have.  you deserve a peaceful life because, warrior that you are, you are a gentle and peaceful spirit.  i love you and i will always love you, no matter what."

"no matter what" happened and he died.  he died just as he was being allowed to live that peaceful life.  i believe he is at peace now.  to think otherwise would be wrong.  i told him that the Archangel Michael is a warrior.  i told him that Michael had his back.  and so did i.  he would laugh and say, "Baby, you don't know.  i'm going straight to Hell."  it was said with laughter but there was worry in there, too.  i told him he would most assuredly go to Paradise.  he was honorable, loyal, faithful, and true.

that word, true, says so much about who he is.  "a marriage of true minds."  that what we had.  in every way possible, mind, body, spirit, soul, we were true to each other.  he was true to his country.  i have met a lot of people and i can say, in my humble opinion, there is none better.  

i love him and i always will.  he is larger than life and the legend of him does not hold a candle to what he did and who he is.  he loved me.  he smiled at me.  he touched me, held my hand, appreciated me, respected me, listened to me.....he was/is amazing and no one can compare.

one oddity, i cannot look at his urn to often or for too long.  i protect it and guard it.  but looking at it, imagining his body in there; it's too much.  but i will never put it away.  i would miss its presence.

it's my wedding anniversary today.  10 years with my Dragon.  here's to 1000 more.

"may you live a thousand years and i a thousand less one day
that i may never know that you have passed away."


Anonymous said...

He must have found your words so comforting and full of love. You brought peace to his heart after a lifetime of negative talk from himself, his family and other people. I am sure he did not want to leave you behind. I know he hears your words, and is still able to feel the love you send him each day, each minute from every fiber of your being. I wish you and Dragon a Happy Anniversary.

TabbyOnTour said...

I've tried to think how best to wish you a happy anniversary but I just wasn't sure of the words. It comforts to me know that there is true love in the world, and you and your Dragon were, are, and will continue to be a shining example of it.

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