how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

taking a flying leap

for the last 3 months i've been having car trouble.  my clutch was slipping.  just a little bit every day. i was losing control over my car and it was scaring me.  i saved the money to buy a clutch and have been desperately trying to save the money to pay the $700 labor to get it installed before i lost my car completely.

well, i didn't make it.  all last week i struggled and panicked trying to drive to work and drive back home.  trust is hard for me.  i don't have any for really anyone.  i've seen so many people come on strong, make assurances they were there for me, we were kindred spirits, and then they disappear.

and now my beloved Midnight was leaving me.  i just could not get the money together fast enough to fix her.  it was breaking my heart.

Friday was horrible.  the clutch slipped so much i could not get it above 60 mph to get to work.  getting home was worse.  she took forever to get above 30 from sitting at a light.  i was crying when i walked in the door.  so grateful to be there and terrified at how it was going to be for Saturday.

i called my son and cried.  he said, "mom, i'm worried about you hemorrhaging money on that car.  give me some time.  i want you safe."

Saturday was harrowing.  i got to work, barely, but almost did not make it home.  10 PM sitting at a green light and she could not get herself to go.  it was sheer power of prayer that got me home.  my poor Midnight.  but during the day on Saturday my son called me to tell me that on Sunday, my day off, i was to go to a dealership and pick up my new car.  he had them down to a monthly payment i can sort of live with.  {my son said he would help me whenever i needed it.}

so today, i had to get a tow truck to haul Midnight to the dealership, spend the 3 hours doing the paperwork, etc. etc. and here he is.

this is my new car.  only 2 years old rather than 13.  less than 60K miles rather than over 200K.  and it's an automatic.  i've named the car after my son.

he's handsome and young and strong, and i believe i can trust him.

i have done the math on my new car payment and new, more expensive car insurance, but i think i can do it.  and i have my son.  and my daughter.

it was hard to shut down and let my "little boy" take charge and do best what a man does.  but i recognize that he is a man now.  my beautiful little boy is grown up and proven once again he will help take care of me.  i can call him no matter what.  he was as exhausted as i was at the end of today, but we got it done.  i have a new dependable car that gets 38 mp gallon rather than 9. 

i took a flying leap with this car payment and increased insurance payment but i need a dependable car.  and my adorable little Seanaroonie car is so great.  going into fall and then winter where the days are so short and the nights so long, and cold, {yes, my little Seanaroonie car has a HEATER!!!} it was what i needed to do.  big girl panties are on.  budget time is heavy duty, but i have my children to turn to, talk to, ask help of.  i am blessed.

peace to all who read.  peace and light {and great help/support/kids} to all who grieve.


Debbie said...

Great car! Congratulations on taking the leap! Have a great time visiting your son soon!

Sandy said...

Yay!!! I am very happy to hear you have reliable transportation. So glad your son could help you.

Dan said...

So pleased that your son helped make this happen for you. Over and over again your children rise to the occasion. Such a blessing.

judemiller1 said...

You are so lucky to have such helpful children. Mine rarely are and certainly not when it comes to money.

Anonymous said...

That was very sweet of your son. I’m sure that he is very worried because “Midnight” can’t get you to work safely. But I think it is for the best that you replaced your old auto. Although it means so much to you, the vehicle might not be fit for the road anymore. Also, having a new one could save you from major repairs and accidents.

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