how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

longing, grief, melancholia ~ just another August

August has already hit hard.  sleepless.  memories and pain over the loss at getting any chance to create more.

his birthday has passed.  he will always be to me the age he was when he died.  handsome with his silvery white hair and beard. the color of moonlight.  his eyes with their devilish gleam.  his booming laugh.  he will never age. he will never become infirmed with a slow, old man's gate or trembling hands.  he will always be, in my memories, virile, active, a Dragon among men.  so powerful an image.  if only you could have seen him climbing over the rocks beside the ocean where we lived together.  fearless.

he was the one who should have lived.  he had so much life in him while i have always been the observer.  i am timid and quiet, and now, beaten down and grief-stricken.  how can i go on without him and yet somehow i do.  how can it now be almost 3 and a half years since i last was held in his warm and protective embrace, and yet, the days, the years continue to ooze by like some black sludge i have to wade through each and every day.  i am exhausted and struggle at times to find the reason for my being here, but simply waking up means there is a reason even if i cannot find it.  Where's Waldo?  where is my reason for still being here?  punishment?  a worthy purpose?  it is a puzzle that still intrigues.  i look for something good i have done for someone every day so that when i wait for sleep to come over me, i can say, "okay, that's why i was alive today."  it's not bitterness speaking.  it is melancholy.  wistful dreams for something i can no longer have and wonder at what i am supposed to do now.

117 comments:

Sandy/Ct said...

I think this says it for a lot of us. It isn't a constant thing, but I think it's because I unintentionally push everything to the back of my mind. When things are quiet, it's up front and present. Wishing you peace and hope!

Anonymous said...

You have had a very rough journey through your grief. It is so painful for you, made worse by the important dates in August. You are so very brave in sharing your intimate feelings surrounding your life and your grief. You have a purpose. You are an artist. You create, you work, you touch others. You feel deeply and think deeply. You bring relief, love, and acceptance to others. You direct wayward children. You teach. You comfort and understand other people's pain. Your passion for Dragon is beautiful, and shows people that love like that can exist and does exist. You allow others to witness your grief and pain, showing people that there are many types of grief. Most grief doesn't work on a timeline, or in stages, or on a calendar. It doesn't follow how someone else believes it should. It just doesn't. It is your journey and it is tough, hard, but lovely. Because you bravely show others your deep grief, you show that these are feelings and thoughs are important. Society needs to acknowledge the different types of grief, that grief doesn't just go away.
May you find blessings and some peace during this difficult month.

Anonymous said...

Sending you love...

abandonedsouls said...

thank you to all of you. i wish you peace.

Katie said...

Such a difficult time you're having right now. I'm thinking of you, and sending you all the good vibes that I possibly can.

Just Kerry said...

So much love and light to you at this time

Anonymous said...

You will find the strength everyday. Peace and love.

Anonymous said...

Know that he is happy and would want you to enjoy your life. He watches over you and hopes you know that you are never alone. The whole Universe is with you and loves you infinitely. Use that love as your strength and have peace in your heart. We are never alone and we are always loved.

Anonymous said...

Sending you love and peace on your journey through this difficult time.

Anonymous said...

Wishing you strength and peace at this difficult time. You are doing all the right things: trying to do good things for someone everyday, acknowledging your grief and still moving forward, however slowly. Hang in there.
Warm hugs.

Anonymous said...

You are loved and each day of your life has a purpose. You have value and are worthy of love.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps the reason you are alive is to finish the things he could not? Be full of life. Break out of your shell and partake in the adventures he so much enjoyed. While he is no longer with you, he has shown you the way to live life to its fullest. And know that, as you do these things, he is there with you... within you... enjoying them as well.

Anonymous said...

I wish you Peace in these difficult times. Your beloved is with you always and loves you so much. Know there are many that care.. xoxo debj 29Gifts Community Manager

Anonymous said...

I cannot even fathom what it is like to lose your spouse, but I know that God loves you completely and will comfort you if you seek Him! Praying for comfort...

Irim said...

Much strength, love and healing, many prayers and blessings to you on your way through this journey. Know that though your path is uniquely yours, you are not alone and are held in love by so many more than you know. xx

hope548 said...

What a beautiful post. Your words are so honest and heart-breaking. Maybe your writing will help someone else stuggling through grief. It helped me today to realize I need to appreciate my wonderful husband more, instead of picking at the little things.
I'm so very sorry for your loss and sorry that the grief is still so fresh and painful for you. Wishing you strength, peace, and love. I hope you always find a purpose for each day.

Stacy said...

Grief is a mysterious creature, and it is different for each and every person who faces it, and can be different for the same person going through it at different times and for different people. Doing for others is an amazing way to find purpose in your life when you feel you have none. Realizing your difficulty in grief is also helpful, as is sharing it here on your blog. Keep taking it one moment at a time, and those moments will one day add up to healing, when it's time. Only you will know when that is. Lots of love from NJ <3

TabbyOnTour said...

My heart ached when I read this. I'm sure you have been told before that you must go on with life because it's what he would have wanted. Having lost someone I loved too, I know all too well how truly impossible that can seem. All you can do is to continue to bring purpose to both your life and the lives of those around you.
You mentioned that you work at Build A Bear. How lovely that you bring smiles to children every day. Next time you lie in the darkness, think of all the happiness you gave to the world that day. Eventually you will find that you allow yourself to be happy too. It's okay to be happy even though you miss someone with all your heart.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you! Know that there is a reason that you're here. I think it's awesome you try to find the good thing you did for someone else each day! You're more of a blessing to others than you know!

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine the pain you're going through, but I hope you find peace and comfort.

God bless you!

mary said...

May every breath bring you peace and comfort. You honor his life by living yours.

"For each hour of your loneliness, I wish you a day of comfort; for each minute of grief, a year of peace; and for every tear, a thousand reasons to smile." – Anonymous

As You Wish said...

I lost Daddy in 2002 and I see my mother suffer in the same way. I can not imagine the immense pain. It's truly heartbreaking.

Know that there are those in your life who love and support you...who will be there for you. Know that there are many, many others out there--some not as strong as you are--who survived this. You will, too.

I wish you peace and comfort and floods of memories of him making you laugh.

(((hugs))),
Lori

Jace said...

May you find the moments where you can still feel his love and know that even though you can not see him he is still watching over you. The people we love never truly leave us. Keep your heart open to the signs that he will send you so that you know he is still here with you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Susan,

The one thing that the love bomb squad would like to do today is to let you know that you are loved.

It isn't easy dealing with grief, and I am terribly sorry for your loss. I pray that you will find courage to live vicariously in the coming days, and discover peace in your heart.

The love bomb squad is thinking of you & sending love your way.

You are not alone!

Gloria

Anonymous said...

Please know that you are loved and understood and valued. Please know you are not alone. I pray that you will find peace.

Christine Hansen said...

Oh, how I wish I could wrap you in a big hug and set you down at the table for a warm cuppa tea. You are stronger than you know, and too, more blessed than you may realize - you shared the love of a lifetime with your beloved Dragon, which I suspect is so much more than most people ever get to experience at all.

Looking at the photos you've posted of him, I can see his love for you shining through his eyes - and I know that love is still there, very much alive (because it won't EVER die).

Take your time at getting through this, my darling, and do be gentle with yourself. Don't worry about "when" you should be done grieving - this is your journey, and you will find the way.

Sending you oodles of love and light,
Chris

Genevieve Thul said...

I can't imagine what you're going through. I know I would have much the same reaction. I hope you find purpose in those little interactions of the day, enough to propel you forward into the next. I hope you have a reunion in the future to look forward to! Do you know Christ? Did Dragon? I pray you can be together again...

There is no right or wrong to grief. There is a "just right" for everyone. I am glad you have found a space to write out your "right" way.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Julie said...

I pray that you are blessed with abundant joy in the midst of your sorrow. Your life and your love honor your husband.

Megan B. said...

*HUGS* and love to you.

Rachel said...

It breaks my heart to see what you are going through. It's obvious that you both loved each other very much, and even though he may not be with you right now, nothing can change that love. I'm praying that you will find peace, strength, and even joy in your new circumstances. Lots of love!

Anonymous said...

May you find peace and comfort during this difficult time.

Anonymous said...

May each new day bring you even just an ounce of strength, of hope and of peace within.

Anonymous said...

Your children lost their father and need their mother. Try to see him in them, because he is there...every minute of the day! In them, with you all!

poosemommy said...

Praying that you can still feel your beloved Dragon's love for you and know that others also love you for the same reasons. Blessings on your spirit during this month of many memories. As many others have said, grief is a very individual experience. Your writing gives you an outlet, but I hope you have someone you can talk to as well, sometimes we rattle around in our heads in the deafening silence of loss until we can no longer hear the voices of those who love us still.
Blessings & Peace

Anonymous said...

May the collective love of those around you give you the strength, hope and comfort in this difficult time. You are loved. Sending you thoughts of happiness, health and peace.

RJ said...

We each have a purpose, even after horrific events. May you find yours, despite the pain. And may it bring you a newfound joy. An entirely different kind of joy than you once had. Love and Prayers.

Kylie said...

There is no shame in grieving. You share it in a beautiful way, and despite your doubts, I can tell you're a strong woman. He is watching over you - I believe that.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and yours. May God bring you a step closer each day to peace and tranquility.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that empty feeling that manifests itself in your chest when you lose someone you love... I know it hurts like hell and it will for a while. But I promise it will get better. One day you'll wake up and think of him and instead of hurting... you'll smile. I hope you revel in that moment when it happens :). Until then, I wish you nothing but peace and strength.

Love and hugs,
Jess

Anonymous said...

You are hurting deeply and I have much compassion for you - but it does no good for you, your family, or the world, for you to continue in that dark place. I'm a stranger...but I hope you won't mind if I share a book that has helped me, especially with grief. Perhaps it can be of help to you too. "Embraced By The Light" - Betty Eadie
I hold you in my heart, seeing you move out of emotional pain and embracing life again.

Anne said...

Sending you all the hugs that a virtual connection can contain - know that so many people are holding you in their hearts and wishing you peace as you wade through this grief.

Hope said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that you find comfort and that each day feels worthy of you living it.

Jessica said...

I hope that all the love dropped on you today gives you the motivation to reach out and keep going, to find that new purpose for your life. Take the time you need to grieve, and then know that your life does not need to be defined by your grief. You are a beautiful and wonderful person who has so much to give this world. May God bless you a hundred times over and be with you as you work through your pain.

OhMyHeart said...

Susan, Much love, peace and strength to you. Love, Emma

Anonymous said...

Susan,I can't imagine the pain you are living through.You have(and still do) loved deeply and so the hurt is that much stronger.How blessed you both were to have each other,and to have had such unending love.I don't know how you feel about God,but I pray you will know how deeply he loves you,and how he is grieving along with you.He will wrap you in his arms and give you rest.

<3

lauren morris said...

I can see you really loved your husband. I deeply feel for you in his loss. I pray that you find peace someday through all this pain. I know first hand death of a loved one is never easy, but your husband sounded like a wonderful man. Life is a beautiful stuggle and pains like this never truly go away, but I you live through his memeory I think you may find a little bit of peace you crave.Just know that you are not alone, and I wish you best of luck wherever life may take you.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. The only thing that seems to help is time. I'm a Nichiren Buddhist and I chant, which has greatly helped me deal with my loss. Check it out to www.sgi-usa.org. I'll be chanting for you, Sister. Take care!

Anonymous said...

Sending you lots of love from my family and me. xoxoxo

Susan said...

There cannot be any pain like that of losing the person you shared your life, heart, body and dreams with. To love so deeply and then lose your soul companion - a part of you goes with them. But you were blessed to have felt such deep and poweful love for another person, and to have been loved equally in return, and to have created life and beauty together. Some people will never know the joy of this experience. You'll see him again one day, I believe this. Until then, try to reach out to the world and live each day fully and purposefully. He will be very proud of you. Wishing you strength, courage and a reawakening of joy in life xxx

M said...

I know how you feel. My husband died 15 years ago, and I still grieve. (tho I can say that it gets easier, or atleast it did for me) In the past year I've lost both of my foster parents, which opened a lot of old wounds. I have been lost in grief and incapacitated by it at times. It's been a lost year...Recently a friend sent a book that has helped me. Maybe it will help you too. The link is here: http://www.amazon.com/Healing-After-Loss-Meditations-Working/dp/B005DI75N4/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1344534252&sr=1-1&keywords=grief

Anonymous said...

wishing you peace as each day passes and that you feel the overwhelming LOVE from all of us.

love.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you in your pain. I cannot imagine your pain but I wish for your strength, healing and courage to move forward.
I leave you with this lovely quote:
"As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us."

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine the sorrow, pain, grief, loneliness you must be feeling, have been feeling, since your husband left. I don't know if you believe in God, in a life after this one, but if you do, take solace in knowing that he's waiting for you and watching over you. If you don't, take strength in the fact that he was here with you for as long as he was and that he was happy with you. I pray you will reach a peace so you can find part of yourself again. You will never be the same person you used to be because with his presence you became the person you were, but you can be a shadow of who you used to be and can be here for your children now. Love, prayers, hugs sent from Green Bay, WI.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and sending hugs your way. You are loved!

Kizanth said...

Remember his smile, and how it warmed your heart and lifted you up, every time you are sad. Remember how he expressed his love for you every time you think about his absence.

More than that, remember that you are the only person who knew him so well, and that while you yet live you can be the loving, positive force for him to the people you meet.

You are not alone.

I love you!

~Kizanth
Love Bomb Squad Member

sophanne said...

It's all just so stupid hard. And then it gets harder. I have no advice. Just compassion.

Jane said...

First off, I hope you know you're not alone. We may be strangers, but you're now in my thoughts!

I recently lost someone who I love very much. I know too well that pain which seems unyielding and suffocating. And the only thing that allows me survive it is knowing that I hurt this much because I loved that much. That means that your husband was such an amazing person, you couldn't possibly have loved him more. How lucky you were to get to have him for as long as you did, and how lucky I was was to get to have my love for just eight years. It is in their leaving that every beautiful moment we got to spend with them is compounded by 1,000 — and that's the pain in your heart you feel. So, I don't know if this helps or sounds crazy, but when I feel that pain, I think that it comes from joy, and then ... well, I can bear it.

That being said, I've been in holes too deep to get out of on my own before. And for me, being on an antidepressant for just six months did wonders for me. It was like having a huge piece of furniture lifted off of my chest -- I could move and breathe and speak again! Don't feel shy about asking for help.

Anonymous said...

Susan,

I ache for you just reading the words on your blog. Grief is such an intense, personal experience and the fact you are so open with your heartache is proof you are healing one day at a time.

I know it is hard to comprehend why you are still here, living, breathing and experiencing all life has to offer, but there is a reason. It is to be a good mother to your children, companion to your friends and a person who can touch others by simply posting words on the web.

Like the person who commented above, I agree it may be helpful to explore an antidepressant and talk therapy. As someone who has dealt with the loss of love and life and suffers from depression, I can tell you honestly the combination has changed--saved--my life.

All the best to you as you continue to grieve and heal. Please know you are loved and protected by many in the Universe.

--Member of the Love Bomb Squad

Anonymous said...

Blessings to you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. But please remember- there is always balance in the universe, from the smallest to the largest things. You have felt the deepest depths of human grief- this means that there are the heights of joy, waiting somewhere for you. Blessings and love to you, there are so so many who care.

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful testament to the love the two of you shared... he must have been such an extraordinary person. And so handsome!

Remember that joy and grief can co-exist. You don't have to let go of your grief before you can enjoy the world; in fact, you will never be rid of your grief. It will change, but it will always be with you. It will help to make you the tender, human person that you are.

You say he saved you with his love; imagine that he is behind you, just over your shoulder, watching you live the life he saved for you, and enjoying it all through your eyes. Show him that he gave you a life that brings you joy and pleasure, even while you are missing him so painfully.

My sincere sympathies go out to you in your terrible grief, with my sincere hopes that, day by day, you find a little more joy inside you, huddled there next to the pain.

Anonymous said...

May the prayers, love, compassion and support of others comfort you through your darkest hours. Your husband is with you in loving spirit — may his love strengthen you from within and guide you to a more peaceful, joyful place.

Jonathan Ruth said...

Hang in there...you're strong and courageous! I know it hurts beyond words and beyond measure, but you'll make it.

God Bless You.
- Jonathan

Anonymous said...

Oh Susan, I can feel the pure grief and sorrow in your words. But I want to tell you to hang in there. His memory must be cherished - everyone's must - but your life continues at the same time, even if you feel like it can't. Have courage. You are a strong person and I know you can empower yourself. Your family and children are there for you.

I wish you and your family the absolute best.

jenny miller said...

Wishing you love and light in your time of heartbreaking grief. May love warm your heart and light warm your soul to help you through the darkness.

Terri Jack said...

I can't imagine the heart wrenching grief you feel, but my heart hurt just reading your post. It's obvious you loved him very much. While it probably doesn't help the loneliness pass I think he would hurt too knowing how bad you are hurting. I'm sure his wish for you would not be to spend all your time mourning him. It is so, so hard to carry on after a loss like yours, but you can be strong. Rejoice in the love and support coming your way. You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Susan, I cannot begin to imagine how it feels to have half of yourself suddenly taken. That's something you would only know the pain of if you had been through it yourself. I can however let you know that you are not alone. You are loved!

A good coping method I have used is to pick a project or cause that you know they would have cared about. Then pour your heart into doing what you can to help out. If Dragon liked nature then find a group that is working on a park cleanup or helping wildlife. Do the work in his honor and memory. It helps me feel connected to the one I've lost and know that something good has been inspired by the life they lived.

Much love!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Wishing you love and peace and hope, which springs eternal.

BradFam said...

Susan,

What a wonderful man your Dragon must have been! I truly wish I could have met this man; he could teach me so much.

Your thoughts have inspired me tonight. I wish I could say a word that would take your pain away; I wish I could say a word that would heal your scars. But what's wonderful to me, is that even though such a word does not exist, you continue to honor him in the wonderful memories you created together. Always remember that - you created those memories together! Just as you were blessed to have such a wonderful man in your life, he was equally blessed to have such a loving lady by his side. True ladies are rare these days, and the faithfulness and honor you feel for him is rare and honorable.

I sincerely appreciate your vulnerability; thank you for opening your heart to the world. You are being used to touch lives all over the world with every word you post; remember that as you wait for sleep to come over you tonight. You are touching lives that you will never know existed.

The pain you are going through is indescribable, and 100% legitimately justifiable. I will never be able to completely and fully relate, because I am not in your shoes. I can only thank you for playing an active part in restoring my faith in humanity. At times, the self-centered, materialistic society in which we live tempts me to doubt if love, trust, honor, faithfulness, loyalty, and gratitude exist; you have reminded me tonight that they do.

You will carry the grief of his memory and the joy of his memory side by side until you become a memory to your children and are re-united with your Dragon. Do not be discouraged by the love you feel.

Carry on! You are Strong! You are Inspiration! You are Healing!

Much love, hugs, prayers, well wishes, and good vibes from all of us. I may not know you, but we are one.

Lisa said...

I am holding you in my heart; wishing you peace and hope in your grief.

Anonymous said...

Susan, I am praying for you as you walk through your dark night of the soul. Pray that you will find the peace to move forward in your life, and that the sorrow you feel will stretch your heart open to experience new joys. The love you have for your husband is beautiful.

I hope you have a good therapist or grief counsellor you can talk to. God Bless

DonnaRey said...

Thinking of you in this hard time. Grieving is a process. A long and painful process that is different for everyone but still a process. People have trod that path before and will again. You will get stronger, happier, able to live without him. And I am sure wherever he is, he misses you just as much.

Ladylinden said...

Be strong and know he want you to live your life. Love and light to you.

Deb Chitwood said...

My heart breaks for you. Sending you lots of love and prayers. Deb from Colorado Springs

Anonymous said...

Sending you peace and love, even in the midst of your grief....

Anonymous said...

Missing someone you have loved with all of your being is one of the most indescribably sad things to experience. I am certain though, that you will one day embrace your Dragon. Live brightly. My heart is with you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Susan, you are not alone, believe me. Your husband is taking care of you and your children. He is always with you. He would like you to be happy, so please accept that you have a role to be played in this world, and you should be thankful for having been so happy with you beloved husband. One day you will be together again. Until then, take this life as somtehing special, make everyday a better day, because there is lots a people that care for you and need your support, too. With love. Teresa

Anonymous said...

I hope the love and prayers for peace that so many are sending you help to ease the sadness in your heart. Your grief will find its place, and someday you will be able to comfort someone else who has experienced what you have. Keeping you in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Love and light to you sister...you are sharing your soul with us and I thank you for it...it is an art, this grieving, the emptiness. You will not forget it, you won't forget him, you'll never lose him, but you will one day realize how strong you are, and when you look up and see the sun, you won't feel sad because he's not beside you; you'll see him in it and will smile because he's been with you every step of the way.

Anonymous said...

You are a strong and beautiful woman and I am assured that you are lighting the way for many on a journey that leaves you feeling quite alone. Many loving thoughts and hugs are coming your way.

Anonymous said...

Imagining the pain of losing the one I love most is heart-wrenching and so painful. I cannot imagine you live with and have lived through. You're so strong and so brave, stay positive!

Anonymous said...

sending you light - so much light to you! you are in the hearts and thoughts of many. may your heart feel peaceful soon. love and a huge huge hug!

Maureen said...

Wishing you strength and light.

Anonymous said...

Praying for your strength and comfort.

Tree Girl said...

Hi Susan

You may find the writings of Susannah Conway helpful. She has a website and a book called "This I know".

Sending you light and love.

Love bombed from Australia.

Angela said...

Sending you blessings and love.

Anonymous said...

Susan - As I read your words, my heart breaks for you. I wish there was some way I could help or somehow alleviate the pain you feel. I wish I could say I understand what you're going through, but I don't think anyone could truly understand as we each experiene pain in such different ways. Please do know, however, that you are in the thoughts and hearts of many. Your grief weighs upon me and I will be praying for you in the days ahead. I know theses are just words from a stranger, but I genuinely mean them and I hope they mean something. Wishing you peace and a light heart.

Celia said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through Susan. I too cannot understand why your wonderful man was taken or why such things happen. I am sorry you feel so alone. I am sure your words will help others, to know that they are not alone in their grief. And I'm sure you are making a positive difference in the lives of others as you struggle to find some meaning in your life. I am thinking of you, Love and Hugs xxxxx

Anonymous said...

Susan I am so sorry for your deep pain and loss. You had a special love...a soul mate that cannot be replaced. I understand this more than you know. It's so important to embrace your love and passion for your beloved, but to also grow into those memories. I challenge you to use your love for him to reach out to someone who also is experiencing a loss. You have to find a way to live and honor him without giving up on living. Again, I know this myself. It's not easy but it is the most.important way you can honor. You are loved and valued by so many people. All of us here know what an amazing woman you are, please share this gift with others.

God bless you. I am going to be following you and you journey and I pray for your peace, passion, and purposefulness.

Hugs

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts, sending you love.

mama3davis said...

I am sorry for your loss here on earth but you need to rejoice that your husband has gone before you to prepare your spot in heaven. Whether you believe in God or not, I do and I am here to tell you that the reason you are still here is because God has a job for you. You have gone through these trials to grow stronger and be the person He needs you to be. You aree going to do something amazing on your path here. I KNOW it. The way you know you miss your husband. I am one of the ones sent to you to say STAND UP! Wash the sand from your shoes and find what God wants you to do. I promise He has not wasted this experience for you to wollow around and feel sorry for yourself. Be thankful and praise God that you found a love of you life and got to share some wonderful momenets with him. Some never get the chance!! Whether you believe in God or doubt His ways, right now I ask you, beg you, get on your knees and cry out to Him. Ask Him what all of this is for and thank Him for the many wonderful moments you had with your husband. Thank Him for any other blessing you can think of. Your kids, family, friends, a roof over your head and food on the table. Whether you think it is great or not, think of what you have that you others don't. Have a conversation with God. A really loud one, if you need to. Get every single thing out and then listen. Just sit and listen. He will talk back to you. Ask for a sign, if you need it, to know He is there and listening. I had a friend that asked to see a butterfly. She had butterflies fly by her in the dead of winter.

abandonedsouls said...

i am overwhelmed at the comments. no way to address individually but to all i say thank you.

and to those who asked, yes, i believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. firmly and devoutly. i also believe my faith is a journey and one where i talk to Him, to Jesus, to the Holy Spirit daily, nightly. watching someone die in front of you while you are trying to save them did not shake my faith so much as bring about questions to ask and pray about. grieving is also a journey that does not negate faith. it merely, sometimes, makes one stumble. stumbling over sorrow and grief is not the same thing as losing faith. stumbling is what makes me human.

peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve.

wewon31 said...

I hope you find peace and comfort moving forward. I can't imagine what you are dealing with but I believe you will find your purpose, in some ways you probably already have but just haven't seen it yet. Tackle each day with hope and faith. Take Care

Debbie said...

Grief is always a slow, arduous process and touches every fibre of our being. Sending love and prayers for strength & peace *love bomb*

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and hoping and praying for peace and strength!

Anonymous said...

Sending you loving thoughts and prayers. Hope you find comfort in your memories together and through them, find peace in your heart.

Kate said...

Susan,

Thank you for your words - they are painful to read, but in a strange way healing (for me) who is one who has experienced grief. Thank you.

I pray today for your heart to continue to become convinced of the worthiness of your living today, even though your dear is no longer living with you. I do not pray that you would forget your grief, because I know from experience that's not the way it works (you don't "get over it.") I just know mine has made me more of what I am meant to be, for my God, for others, for the sake of the person who was lost.

May God fill you with assurance of His love -
Sincerely.

katie said...

Susan- know that you are loved. Sending you lots of love and light in the days and years to come.

PK said...

I'm so sorry, Susan. I wish I could give you a hug and take you out for coffee. Know that you are loved and while none of us understand exactly what you are going through, we hurt along side of you. I'm praying that God would wrap his arms around you and you would feel his peace and comfort as you walk this journey.

Pamela

Amy said...

My grandfather died in 2010, and some of the feelings you are describing are felt in a similar way by me right now. I was very close to me, and imagining my wedding day without him walking me up the aisle is something that I think will always bring tears to my eyes.
It is not about letting go of the grief. It'll stay forever in some shape or form. My mother's brother died almost 40 years ago, and she still grieves for him.
What I'm trying to say is that you can keep greifing for him without that grief ruining and taking over your life. It's not a case of ''manning up' and dealing with it - not in the slightest - but taking each day as it comes and trying to be positive. Believe me, I know how hard trying to be positive can be. But your dragon, who sounds like such a wonderful man, he wouldn't want to see you like this, so hurt and broken at his loss. If you can, try to imagine him there with you, always, like a ghost maybe, or a spirit, whatever makes you feel comfortable. In some shape or form hell always be with you, even if not in the material sense.
Sending lots of love your way, and lots of strength. xx

Anonymous said...

Susan, I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Angie xx

Anonymous said...

I admire your strength and thank you for sharing your memories of your beloved and how you're coping with the loss. You've reminded me not to take a single moment for granted. I'm praying for your continued strength, understanding, and peace. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I am grateful that you've experienced this all-encompassing love. I am sad that it was too short. My heart aches for you

Caroline said...

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, but I hope each day will get a little easier for you and the memories won't hurt so much to think about.

Fairy said...

Susan, i was touched by your words, i cannot conceive a lost like that when every litle thing seems perfect, it must hav been overwhealming... But i just beg you, please please please, think of him, how would he feel if he saw you like that? And you know he is watching... I don't ask you to open your heart again, but please look at the world, and fall in love with life again, we have so much for beeing blessed... i know as well that is really easy to speak and hard to do, but believe, im saying this whit all of my heart, i cant watch you suffering like that, you are and amazing beautifull beeing, andd deserve to be happy, this is your path, with the grief and everything, it is YOUR PATH, you have to embrace it... I love you* Helena (sorry for the english)

Anonymous said...

Feelings of the heart cross the boundary. He feels you, and knows how much you miss him. Try to be still and feel his love coming back to you. He is with you still. Honour his love by living life for both of you. Whatever you are doing, he gets to experience right along with you. Show him a good time, go the places you both love, do the things that made you both happy, and know that he still watches you from the other end of the couch. Love and light to you. xx

Rida said...

Susan, My heart breaks for You. Know that You're still truly loved...
Sending you tons of love & light

--Rida

Anonymous said...

Both you and your husband are (in the present tense) very loved. Always.

Rosie said...

losing a loved one must be horrific and i cant even begin to imagine your pain. try to stay strong susan and keep a positive mindset for the future xx all my love

Lola said...

You are loved and supported and your husband still lives on in your heart. I'm sure he wants to see you happy, even without him. You are going to be okay.

Anonymous said...

I'll be praying for you. Just always remember, there is someone out there (a friend, family member, stranger) that loves you. You're obviously going through a tough time, but I believe that it will get better. It will never stop hurting, but someday you'll be able to let a little joy back into your life.He would want you to be happy.

Isabel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Isabel said...

"What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." - Helen Keller

Use the strength of your love to carry on. He will always be by your side...

Nicole said...

I hope that you can someday find the peace and comfort that you are seeking in getting through the loss of your husband. One way to cope with this difficult phase of your life is by using the television news as inspiration -- meaning, you know how when the TV reporters talk about someone passing, they often say something like he or she "is survived by" and then name close family members who were left behind?

Maybe, you can try to live for your husband or in honor of him, and thus, creating meaning for your life while also celebrating his at the same time. Live and operate in a manner that says he is survived by you. Do things that you know would make him proud and be the person that you would want him to be if the tides had turned the other way around. Although I don't know your husband, I imagine that he would want you to be your best self.

I myself am searching for Waldo, trying to find what my being here is all about and I wish I had the answers but all I can do right now is try to offer some hope to someone else -- that would be you -- so that someone, somewhere finds the light and not only expects but looks forward to the sun coming up each new day.

Mariel said...

May you find the comfort and strength that you need to go on. Take your time. Rest assured that your love continues to live on. It was never taken away. A strong love like that never dies.
Your beautiful husband wants to help you continue...behind the scenes...you will know when the time is right. He was put in your path for a reason as you in his. May love and peace continue to surround your heart.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you. Few can speak of their exquisite grief, and longing in such a truly heart felt expression. You gave my soul words for the loss of my beloved son. May God bless you, and comfort you until you see your darling husband again.

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