how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, September 14, 2012

i dream in color

this is me at 4 months out.  soft little face.  yet so scared. 

this is me 3 and a half years out.
see that furry face?  little bit more careworn.
see those eyes?  "so much pain my dazzled eyes refused to see."
reality hits me ~ again and again and again.........

it's hard doing this sort of alone.  i'm not alone alone.  i have my two children.  i do hold close to my broken spirit every comment written here.  but i am still thinking it might be a good idea to try again to find someone to talk to.  you know, try again for a grief counselor.  but what would she say to me?

"girl, it's been 3 years and you're just now getting around to finding some help with this?"

i'd have to say, "ma'am, it's bee 3 plus years of searching for someone who will effing listen to me and not bleed me dry of something i have, something i can do.  to simply do the job of a grief counselor and not let me down.  please, just listen to me.

i don't know if i'll ever have that.  looking into the money aspect of it.

i seem to whine a lot, but this blog is my only outlet to whine. otherwise i keep it inside.  i have to do the "primal scream" thing to get some of it out.  here, i can.  i'm so closed off from the world.  i do not reveal anything to anyone who knows me simply because they are not friends.  the only people i know are the people i work with.

i try to help myself.  i look to my dogs for the way to enjoy life.  

 like Scootie Wootums enjoying sniffing all the sniffs that cram into his nose while his head is stuck out the window. 
 i dream/create fantasies of a different life.  my happy place.  my serene calm place where i am not here.  i am somewhere else, with him, my children, all together truly living each day and reveling in all that the world has.
 i remember all the places i did live where i felt home.  i developed an attachment to a place and will never forget living there.  i can go there in my mind and breathe.
 i am so much more fragile than i ever was.  is it age?  or grief?  is it feeling so vulnerable, or so adrift?  and yet, i feel surges of strength when i am threatened.
"how dare you try and hurt me?"  "how dare you try and take what little i have left?"

i dream in color.  my things are old and solid and loyal and enduring.

i dream in color.   i value and respect the things that last like love and memories.

i dream in color.  i do not seek more material possessions but only add things like books {words}, moments of calmness, and the continued search for peace in this life.
i may see things in black and white; facing the reality that life shoves down my throat day-after-day,
but i dream in color.


Anonymous said...

I am a grief counselor in CA and I work w/ all kinds of people who have experienced all types of losses, some which occured last week, some 20 years ago. I would never tell you to "get over it" or that it's been 3 years and it's time to "move on". I work at a hospice and we offer the community up to 9 free counseling sessions...perhaps you could check with your local hospice agencies and see if they offer something similar, or if they could refer you to another hospice that does. Therapists also have sliding scales and do pro-bono work all the time. Talking with a professional that knows what they're doing can be really helpful...

Bohemian said...

Often having someone to just Listen, to Empathize and allow you to move through whatever is troubling you means the World when we're 'going through'... whatever that is for each person. In your case it is terrible loss and a void that has been left by the absence, in the flesh, of your True Love. I too have my Land of Blog Journey & Journal as a place of personal expression, often my Escape and respite from caregiving from those I dearly Love, but who have Health Issues that have made our Life now an adjustment that I haven't completely adjusted to either. I'm working on it... much as you are with your adjustment to Life as it is now and the hand dealt. I Pray that eventually we will find Balance in the way it is, while still Cherishing the way it was and having many fond Memories to draw upon and be Thankful of. Hugs and Blessings, along with Healing Energy being sent your way from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

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